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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH changing child care behind my back. AIBU?!

35 replies

JessKM · 11/05/2017 23:32

My DH and I are happily married and have been for 14 years and have 4 wonderful children, this isn't going to be a custody thing...but it is a long story, apologies in advance!

So this afternoon I got a text from beloved child minder saying 'I've worked out my numbers and the girls can start Monday, I'll just adjust your monthly bill' I replied asking if she had sent this to the correct person and she informs me yes, following on from convo with DH.

We have four children, daughters aged 14, 12 and 7 and a son just turned 4. The youngest two have a lovely child minder who collects them from school/nursery and keeps them until I finish work and collect them at around 5.15pm, we then drive to the secondary school where DD's 1 and 2 are. They don't finish school until 4pm, and then they're in an after school activity every night until 5pm - their school then has open places where they can mooch about, supervised in the library, computer suites or fitness suite until 6.30pm if they want to, but I'm usually there by 5.30pm.

Apparently last week the girls have started moaning they don't think that's fair and that they should get to leave school whenever they want and moaned to DH (who can be spineless) and he said he would sort this out. This contacted the child minder and asked if the girls could attend there every day after school.

I'm not annoyed at the concept of the girls going to CM, although it will add significantly to costs which DH clearly hasn't thought of, I'm more annoyed that he went behind my back and discussed this with her and made a decision without even factoring that in. Plus the girls would have to walk or get the bus there each night which is a) more money and b)takes much longer than the time they'd be waiting for me after clubs - I'd probably be waiting around at the CMs for them to arrive - and paying for the privilege!!

Ive probably unwisely blown my stack and we've argued about it, however I don't think I'm being unfair here...he says why should I be the only one to make decisions, why doesn't he have the right - and he does and had he asked me we could have discussed it but he hasn't really bothered about childcare arrangements for 14 years and the first time he's tried he's balls it up big time. I'm absolutely fuming!!!

Am I being unreasonable about this!!!

OP posts:
GiraffeorOcelot · 11/05/2017 23:38

He should have discussed it with you. But a childminder for a 14yo?? And a 12yo too is very unusual.

Can they not just come home for a couple of hours before you get in? Surely they are old enough now?

honeylulu · 11/05/2017 23:40

Not U at all. The plan doesn't even make sense!
But why do a 14 and 12 year old need a childminder? My 12 year old goes home on his own after school.

nachogazpacho · 11/05/2017 23:40

He's being defensive. He should have spoken to you, but probably had a spur of the moment conversation with the child minder and didn't think about the logistics. Can you explain the problem of the buses and costs to him then wait for him to absorb the info. Then he can say he's realised it's not a good idea without having to defend himself. The girls might need to be told this info too. Unless they want to give up the clubs and go to the child minders earlier.

DoloresTheRunawayTrain · 11/05/2017 23:40

At 12 and 14 they are perfectly capeable of looking after themselves for an hour and a half. I suspect they won't be impressed with the child minder idea either seeing as leaving at whatever time they wish (if they didn't feel up to an after school activity) as this will still tie them to having to be in certain place for a certain length of time.
I think they are hinting that they want some house keys and the trust to be left home alone.

FetchezLaVache · 11/05/2017 23:40

So - they finish their activities at 5, and would then have to find their own way to the CMs, and can't get there before you anyway, whereas currently they're only waiting for you at school for half an hour or so?

He really hasn't thought this through, has he? What time has he told the CM they'll arrive, and she is basing the extra charge on?

As an alternative, if the older girls are fed up having to hang around at school, is there any practical way they could start to make their way home instead?

nachogazpacho · 11/05/2017 23:41

And also you could consider them going home after they finish and waiting for you there.

Unihorn · 11/05/2017 23:41

YANBU about your DH, this is definitely a joint decision.

YABU putting teenagers in childcare though, I find that strange? I assume there is some major issue with distance between school and home for them to need a childminder??

Astro55 · 11/05/2017 23:41

Do they want to miss all the clubs?

Why can't they go home?

What about DH collecting them instead?

ZilphasHatpin · 11/05/2017 23:42

Umm why can't they just take themselves home at 4pm?

MrsJamesMathews · 11/05/2017 23:44

Presumably you told him he of course he has the right to make child care decisions, just not totally fucking stupid illogical ones?!

I'm angry for you OP. He's being a numpty.

Original poster
JessKM · 11/05/2017 23:44

Because of where we live they'd have to take 3 busses home and if they missed one they'd be waiting half an hour for the next so it's not really ever been an option for us, whereas to child minders it would only be 1 bus.

I'd trust 12 year old in house along but not 14 year old (I know that sounds terrible!)

He hasn't thought it through at all, but can't say no to his darling girls. So I look like the bad guy as usual saying this is a terrible plan!!!

OP posts:
MrsJamesMathews · 11/05/2017 23:45

Can you let him get on with his 'childcare arrangements' and wait for them all to tell you what a total balls up it all is? Which will likely take about a week.

HeddaGarbled · 11/05/2017 23:45

Do you think the girls went to him for help because they knew you wouldn't agree, and he organised it behind your back, because he knew you wouldn't agree?

Apologies if that's an unreasonable assumption and you would have been open to discussion, in which case, no, YANBU.

Original poster
JessKM · 11/05/2017 23:46

mrsjamesmatthews you took the words from my mouth!!

DH works odd shift patterns 4 days, 4 nights then 4 days off - so could collect them some days, however rarely bloody does, that's another rant all together though Hmm as the reasoning is usually I pass both places on way home from work.

OP posts:
AndNowItIsSeven · 11/05/2017 23:47

Why do they go to school three buses away? Have you moved house?

LagunaBubbles · 11/05/2017 23:48

My 14 year old DS would be horrified if I said he was going to go to a childminders! Why don't you trust her?

MrsJamesMathews · 11/05/2017 23:48

That's not really the point, seven Hmm

Original poster
JessKM · 11/05/2017 23:48

I probably would have been open to a short discussion, I think I'm more furious that he's involved an outside person in the discussion (CM) who knows girls well and was happy to have them but don't know what she must think of us!!!

OP posts:
GirlInterruptedOftenByKids · 11/05/2017 23:49

Why can't they just meet you at ghee childminder's without being on care there? Finish school at 5, get the bus by themselves, saves you a trip and saves them hanging around.

Unless there's a massive drip feed coming. ..

Jupitar · 11/05/2017 23:49

Why is the CM charging you when you say you're likely to be there and waiting before they even get there?

Original poster
JessKM · 11/05/2017 23:51

seven where we live is quite rural, there are primary schools in each village but only one large secondary school every 20 or so miles which cover vast areas. They would have to get a scholars bus into town then two more busses back out, or one bus and twenty minute walk down country roads with no footpaths.

OP posts:
annandale · 11/05/2017 23:53

How far is it? Could they cycle all or part of the way? Or is there somewhere else they could meet you?

Is this really the first time they have raised this? And when they did raise it, did you open it up to discuss with dh?

Original poster
JessKM · 11/05/2017 23:53

Apparently she'd have to register the girls on her 'books' or whatever people keep these days as if someone turned up to check and they were there (if I was held up or at a meeting) there would be some issue. The money is a minimal charge so not the main issue but still annoying.

OP posts:
Tootsiepops · 11/05/2017 23:54

...so could collect them some days, however rarely bloody does...

That's awful. He'd rather his kids got a bus to the childminder, and pay for bus fares and cm costs than pick them up from school himself on his days off? Seriously?

Original poster
JessKM · 11/05/2017 23:55

annandale they've never mentioned it to me, don't know about DH. They usually say they enjoy time and hang out with friends in similar predicaments and mess around under the premise of studying Grin

OP posts: