DH changing child care behind my back. AIBU?!

[JessKM]

My DH and I are happily married and have been for 14 years and have 4 wonderful children, this isn't going to be a custody thing...but it is a long story, apologies in advance!

So this afternoon I got a text from beloved child minder saying 'I've worked out my numbers and the girls can start Monday, I'll just adjust your monthly bill' I replied asking if she had sent this to the correct person and she informs me yes, following on from convo with DH.

We have four children, daughters aged 14, 12 and 7 and a son just turned 4. The youngest two have a lovely child minder who collects them from school/nursery and keeps them until I finish work and collect them at around 5.15pm, we then drive to the secondary school where DD's 1 and 2 are. They don't finish school until 4pm, and then they're in an after school activity every night until 5pm - their school then has open places where they can mooch about, supervised in the library, computer suites or fitness suite until 6.30pm if they want to, but I'm usually there by 5.30pm.

Apparently last week the girls have started moaning they don't think that's fair and that they should get to leave school whenever they want and moaned to DH (who can be spineless) and he said he would sort this out. This contacted the child minder and asked if the girls could attend there every day after school.

I'm not annoyed at the concept of the girls going to CM, although it will add significantly to costs which DH clearly hasn't thought of, I'm more annoyed that he went behind my back and discussed this with her and made a decision without even factoring that in. Plus the girls would have to walk or get the bus there each night which is a) more money and b)takes much longer than the time they'd be waiting for me after clubs - I'd probably be waiting around at the CMs for them to arrive - and paying for the privilege!!

Ive probably unwisely blown my stack and we've argued about it, however I don't think I'm being unfair here...he says why should I be the only one to make decisions, why doesn't he have the right - and he does and had he asked me we could have discussed it but he hasn't really bothered about childcare arrangements for 14 years and the first time he's tried he's balls it up big time. I'm absolutely fuming!!!

Am I being unreasonable about this!!!

tootsie I forgive him when he's doing the days and nights as he does catch up on sleep and do housework etc so he's not a total layabout but his 4 days off drive me round the bend. He's well aware.

YABU
If they want to do this, especially now in the summer then I'd let them, they can wait outside for you or you can wait outside for them, don't need to involve childminder at all. They might change their minds first time it rains though 🙄 I think you're more bothered that the decision wasn't made without you, than the actual decision, you get to go straight home from the child minders, you might find you like it so much you wonder why you didn't suggest it.

• was made without you 🙄

he says why should I be the only one to make decisions, why doesn't he have the right

I would have thought the answer to that is that of course he can make decisions, but he needs to ensure that he's fully informed and has thought it through first - and that for something like this it makes sense to involve you.

Do you have any neighbours with children at the same school? Could you make an arrangement whereby they collect the older children and deliver them to your house, and you pay petrol money?

Absolutely Jupiter!! I think I am way more annoyed about the situation rather than the trigger, if the girls were genuinely unhappy then of course I would want to sort it out, but it seems to have been a flash in pan decision made without much thought and zero consultation, that's deffo what has annoyed me more!

They've seemingly went and moaned once and he's jumped the gun and tried to fix it -very poorly!-

Had he said oh Jess, you've been so busy with work and home I thought I would try and help and fix things, but no he jumped straight on the defensive and accused all sorts!

YANBU.

ceto I hadn't thought of that thank you! I'm not aware of anyone immediate neighbours but may ask the girls if they know anyone tomorrow - we could exchange rides and drop them off in the morning too.

If your girls are happy taking a bus to the childminder - what's the problem?

I can understand that staying at school each night to 5.30pm, can be a bit much for your older girls. If it was once or twice a week fine, but every day is too much.

I agree it is unusual for older children to go to a childminder and they would normally make their own way home, but you have explained that this is not really an option.

So if you are not too bothered about the money and it's what your daughters want- what is the big deal.

As I've mentioned in more annoyed about the situation of DH making other arrangements than the actual arrangements themselves however, when it comes down to it - would I rather my girls are in a safe, supervised environment or roaming free on busses or walking - I'd much rather the first! Maybe that makes me over protective, I don't know.

Besides they've complained in the past that they can't get peace and quiet at home with younger siblings and they interrupt homework - which we've tried to address but I can't make them silent! So by being at school it was an excellent time for them to study - and DD1 will be starting GCSEs in September so she will need that time and space!

I can see why they might like the childminder idea, it wouldn't really be like she was 'minding' them at that age, it would just be a house they know well that they could relax in to wait for you, rather than waiting at the school (and I get why the CM still needs to charge a nominal amount for that for her books). Would only really make sense if they went straight after school though- are they saying they'd prefer not to do the after school clubs? Could they perhaps do a mix- after school clubs and you pick up from school a few days a week, and leave straight from school and you pick up from CMs a few days a week? YADNBU to be annoyed at your DH, he should have spoken to you about it- esp if you are actually the one doing the pick ups! Like other posters idea of seeing if you could get another parent to drop them home sometimes and paying them petrol money- I remember being that age so well and I was desperate to just go back home when school finished. I didn't have younger siblings though!! Hope you get it sorted x