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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wwyd- friend nanny seemingly ignoring children

32 replies

Dishwashersaurous · 09/05/2017 15:44

More a wwyd and whether I should say something to a friend.

Friend of mine has returned to work and employed a nanny for her two preschoolers. Nanny is now taking the children to the groups etc which the mum used to go to and which I still attend. Therefore I see the nanny with the children.

I have noticed that the nanny does not seem to interact with the children at all apart from coats on when they leave really. It's not that she is neglecting them because they are playing but she just doesn't talk to them.

It's noticeable because there are loads of nannies, cms and mums at the groups who are talking and interacting with their and other children.

So should I say anything to my friend? My instincts are not to get involved but wanted wider views

OP posts:
BlahBlahBlahEtc · 09/05/2017 15:52

Personally, I'd want to know if it was my kids.

MiddlingMum · 09/05/2017 15:54

You need to mention it. I once had to tell a mother that her nanny wasn't insisting on seat belts being done up before driving off.

JohnLapsleyParlabane · 09/05/2017 15:58

If the children are playing happily and she's not interrupting that, I don't see why you would mention it, children need to learn to play independently of adults. If they are misbehaving or upset and she's ignoring them then yes of course raise it with the parents.

Lottapianos · 09/05/2017 15:59

'It's not that she is neglecting them '

She is. Interaction with young children is very basic stuff and something that a nanny (or anyone who spends time with children) should be doing consistently. Its hugely important for their development. I would mention it if I were you.

Writerwannabe83 · 09/05/2017 16:01

I was in this situation and it's very difficult.

I went to a Playgroup when my DS was about 15 months old and sitting in the middle of the room was a little girl sobbing her eyes out with nobody responding to her and no adult around her. As I got near her I started to think the little girl looked liked my friend's daughter (who was the same age as my son) and when I crouched down next to her I realised it was my friend's daughter who I knew had recently started with a new CM. By this point she was red faced, tears were streaming down her face and her cries were pretty distressed. I looked around the room to where the all the CMs hang out (there are about 12 of them who all socialise together during the group) and not one of them was looking in the little girls direction.

I knew the little girl wouldn't really recognise me but I sat down with her, kept calling her by her name to try and reassure her and encouraged my son to come and play with her. After ten minutes of me sitting with her a CM appeared, sweeped up the little girl in her arms, glared at me and walked off.

That night I went to see my friend and even though I felt awful I told her what had happened. I said her daughter was in an awfully upset state when I arrived and nobody was with her and that nobody came up to her for about ten minutes despite me talking to her and having her on my lap at times. As far as the CM would have known I was a complete stranger interacting with the child yet the CM hadn't even noticed.

My friend was upset but glad i had told her and removed the child from the CMs care.

I'd had my doubts about saying anything but at the end of the day if my 15 month old was being treated with such disregard whilst upset on top of concerns about his safety (in terms of not being watched when there are strangers around) then I would absolutely want to know.

In your case though, if the o my crime is that she's not actually playing with the child but is otherwise keeping the child safe (I.e watching her and responding to any upset) then I would let it go.

You imply the child is playing with other children so why would the Nanny need to get involved?

My son is 3 and we still go to playgroups and usually I just leave him to his own devices and watch from my seat. Sometimes he plays with other children and other times he plays on his own but I don't feel like I have to play with him all the time but obviously do if he asks.

Jupitar · 09/05/2017 16:02

I would mention it, it'll give the mum to opportunity to look into it for herself. She might be really hands off in front of the mum too, in which case she'll be aware of it, or she could be pretending to be really hands on when the Mums around in which case the mum needs to be made aware .

requestingsunshine · 09/05/2017 16:09

If the children are happily playing I don't see why she should be hovering over them the whole time? You say she isn't neglecting them so I assume when they come and ask her for something she attends to them and sorts them out as and when needed?

Mention it if you want, but I can't actually see that shes doing anything wrong here.

FutureChicken · 09/05/2017 16:13

Mention it. It could be part of a bigger picture.

I mentioned a friends CM was out in the rain without coats and not hurrying like she was caught out. Along with a few other comments that maybe seemed like little it build up quickly to an obvious picture of neglectful care, rather than someone surprised by a sudden shower

Notmyrealname85 · 09/05/2017 16:17

Definitely mention it - she also could be missing vital points in not watching them, or just not picking up on their development

Hardly fair if she gets paid the same as the other nannies and then just sits there

springflowers11 · 09/05/2017 16:18

Surely the whole point of going to these groups is fir the children to interact with other littlies and do the activity

brasty · 09/05/2017 16:19

It depends what exactly you mean. Children playing independently do not need constant interaction. They need to be left alone to play with friends. And adults constantly interfering does not help them.
Is she playing happily, or does she look unhappy and need interaction?

juneau · 09/05/2017 16:20

If I was the DM I'd want to know. If she's not interacting with them in public, chances are she's ignoring them at home too.

AndNowItIsSeven · 09/05/2017 16:24

Do you mean letting them play in a toddler group whilst watching from a chair? If so that's perfectly normal. Nothing more irritating at a toddler group than a performance parent ( nanny) .

InDubiousBattle · 09/05/2017 16:24

That's a bit of an assumption juneau. I took my dc to a toddler group today and ds started playing with my friends ds, they basically went off to the other side of the room and played for half an hour. Me and his mum kept an eye on them but didn't go over and 'interact' with them. Would you assume I ignore him at home?

As pp say it depends on what exactly worried you about the situation. It's hard to tell just from your op.

smearedinfood · 09/05/2017 16:35

If there 3 you can watch from a chair. If their 15 months you engage with them as they are learning language, how to navigate toys, not fall out with other toddlers etc. I'd tell.

SquatBetty · 09/05/2017 16:37

Ooh Writerwannabe83 that sounds JUST like a toddler group I take my DS to each week. A group of local child minders always sit in the same seats and chatter amongst themselves while ignoring their mindees. Fine if the kids are old enough to walk confidentally but there was one little girl who was walking very unsteadily who kept crawling up the slope to the top of a climbing frame and tottering right at the edge of the very low barrier. Me and other mums took it in turns to help her down while shrugging our shoulders at each other as no one knew who she was with. Turned out she was with one of the child minders but the minder had her back to the lot of the room and didn't even occasionally turn round to check on her mindees - I know as I watched her for a while. One of the group organisers spoke to her in the end.

InDubiousBattle · 09/05/2017 16:45

I see it all of the time writer, not dc being neglected as such, just not taken care of in a way I would be satisfied with for mine (and I would put money on the parent being pissed off if they saw)I'm just not sure that not interacting is that bad depending on the dc!

1bighappyfamily · 09/05/2017 16:46

Mention it. On the flip side, one of things for which I've always been grateful is when friends tell me about the great relationship they see between my children and our nanny (and in the past our saint of a CM). Gives me real comfort that they are being well cared for and are happy.

They're old enough now to tell me if they're not happy but it really did matter to me before they were.

Original poster
Dishwashersaurous · 09/05/2017 16:47

Split response which is what I was thinking.

So one example. At singing circle she doesn't sing, or do actions to the songs. Everyone else is singing and doing the actions with their children and she just sits there

OP posts:
allwornout0 · 09/05/2017 16:55

Sounds just like the toddler groups that I used to take my children to years ago.
One week there was a terrible smell in the hall from a child's dirty nappy, the CM they were with ignored this child for a good couple if hours and then made them walk down the road still in the dirty nappy.

Jupitar · 09/05/2017 16:58

How can she not sing and do the actions, that's the best part of having toddlers around 😂

Definitely tell the Mum

InDubiousBattle · 09/05/2017 16:58

Is she like this all of the time? One incidence and it could easily be that she's unwell/had bad news/having a shit day/just can not wind the bobbin up even one more sodding time, it would be a shame to worry your friend and have her professionalism questioned over a bad day. If it were a regular occurrence I'd be more tempted to approach your friend. Does she ever discuss the nanny?

Sunnyshores · 09/05/2017 16:59

So, youve observed her over a period of time at different groups and you feel she's not doing as much as she should - Its clearly worrying you, you obviously wouldnt be happy if it was your child, so as a friend you should say something.

If you cant pretend to be uber-nanny in public, you sure as hell arent at home!

AntiGrinch · 09/05/2017 17:00

there are different styles of looking after dcs - it depends whether she is keeping an eye from a distance and letting them do their own thing, or whether she is actually neglecting them. Which style is your style, OP?Do you follow your dcs around play groups?

NotYoda · 09/05/2017 17:02

If that were my child, I'd want to know.

You know your friend. You know how she is with her children and therefore what she might expect from someone she employs to care for her children.

So I'd tell her.

I've been to a lot of baby groups in my time and seen some brilliant CM and Nannies and some I would not want caring for my child. Responsiveness, verbal and non verbal interaction are so important at this age