Wwyd- friend nanny seemingly ignoring children

[Dishwashersaurous]

More a wwyd and whether I should say something to a friend.

Friend of mine has returned to work and employed a nanny for her two preschoolers. Nanny is now taking the children to the groups etc which the mum used to go to and which I still attend. Therefore I see the nanny with the children.

I have noticed that the nanny does not seem to interact with the children at all apart from coats on when they leave really. It's not that she is neglecting them because they are playing but she just doesn't talk to them.

It's noticeable because there are loads of nannies, cms and mums at the groups who are talking and interacting with their and other children.

So should I say anything to my friend? My instincts are not to get involved but wanted wider views

So, I understand you mean well but I used to have a neighbour who phoned me at work to 'comment' on my nanny's performance (found out later she offered her a day's work .) Just came across as nosy and judgey tbh. I do genuinely think you mean well- but if the child isn't in danger or seem unhappy and rather to the contrary is playing happily I would leave it. I don't agree it means she's ignoring them at home. If she's engaging with them full on at home it could be a bit of a break for her and/or perfectly reasonable for them to get some socialising in with other children.

I would add that as a nanny employer, it's very hard to manage via 'hearsay' - someone feeding back to you when they may not have the whole story or thought they heard and they misheard etc. If you start giving the nanny the impression that you'll believe any old thing people say about her (some of whom may be judgey about nannies/mums woh etc anyway) that's a good way to make sure the relationship sours quickly. It's a very careful thing to judge - obviously if there is a clear danger, that is something totally different. But in this case she wasn't actually doing anything wrong. If they were trying to get her attention and she was being cross or dismissive that is a different matter. But just happily playing on their own - no.

Boo I just belatedly saw your singing example. Sorry!

Keep a watching brief - don't say anything yet. If only because you don't want to 'cry wolf' as well.

Yes. The mother should know.

It's a really easy AIBU as you aren't doing anything other than telling the mother your observations.

I'd tell the parents. Whilst the nanny can't be "managed on hearsay" it may help the parents to form a bigger picture - if they already have concerns.

I agree that if the nanny doesn't appear to be putting the effort in out in public then she's very unlikely to be doing it at home. A nanny must know that they are out in the community that the child and parents live in, so it's very likely that they will see people that the family knows.

I go to playgroups a lot and see this pretty often sadly.

Some nannies/cms are brilliant, and treat their charges as if they are their own children, others sadly don't interact at all with their charges, other than basic care (jacket on/off, giving food). It has really put me off the idea of having a nanny, and certain cms.

I would definitely say something.

I once went to a playgroup and on leaving found a just walking, pre verbal child in the middle of the road. It was pouring with rain and he had a thousand yard stare, looked utterly lost. I took him back into the playgroup, asked the organiser if she knew where his parent was. It turned out he was being looked after by a CM who had no idea he wasn't in the room, didn't seem at all concerned, and instead of expressing thanks/being horrified at the close call, just kept munching on her biscuit.

It honestly still bothers me that I have no idea who his parents were, because I'd bet £100 that that little nugget of their child's day was not fed back to them.

It's difficult though. A friend of mine had a nanny for her young son. She eventually let her go as she realised she was being lied to about where she was going with her son - I.e. She would say she had gone to the zoo, or a toddler group and claim mileage, but she was actually at a shop, or her friends house.

After she fired her a lot of people mentioned concerns they had about her and the way she interacted with him at the groups she did go to with him, such as ignoring him, or snapping at him. My friend was annoyed no one mentioned it to her as it would have built her picture up of the nanny much quicker.