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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to expect to know my Partners plans?

35 replies

nInachu · 24/04/2017 11:35

We live together and are expecting a child. He only ever lets me know he is off out to do something last minute, which as a planner drives me nuts as it is, but AIBU to expect him to let me know when he is coming home? Yesterday he left at 3pm and came back at 11pm, not a single text or anything.

I'd like him to tell me his plan in advance because then I can make my own, as I try to do things to fit around his schedule so we can spend time together. His opinion is we live together so we see each other everyday as it is, so doesn't see an issue.

OP posts:
Justmadeperfectflapjacks · 24/04/2017 11:37

Stop cooking for him. . Say you didn't want to assume he would be in.

It's common courtesy surely to disclose your plans to someone you live with?
Tell him he needs to start acting like a family man not a teenager.

WorraLiberty · 24/04/2017 11:40

Has he always been like this?

Original poster
nInachu · 24/04/2017 11:43

Yes he has. And it has always caused issues.
He seems to think I hate him going out without me -which I dont, what I dont like is him not letting me know his plans.

OP posts:
Pinkheart5915 · 24/04/2017 11:46

I don't mind when dh comes home and his the same doesn't mind when I get back , but we always text each other when leaving to return home so to be fair we get maybe an hours notice the other will be home soon

TotalPineapple · 24/04/2017 11:49

DH is like this if left to it, I just have to ask him what time he'll be back if I want to plan.

If he didn't reply or made out I was unreasonable for wanting to know I would have got rid long ago though.

BreatheDeep · 24/04/2017 11:50

Yes he should let you know. And you shouldn't really have to fit around his plans in order to spend time with him. As you live together, spending time together should be the default and anything else should be mentioned to the other person. And you really want to get it sorted before the baby arrives else he'll still behave the same way.

2014newme · 24/04/2017 11:51

I wouldn't have a child with him it will get worse!

Original poster
nInachu · 24/04/2017 11:54

Bit late for that, already 6 months gone...

OP posts:
Cammysmoma · 24/04/2017 11:55

My partner does this, we have a DS and another on the way, he leaves at 9am and comes home at 10, he says he's working but actually he's self employed as a landlord and doesn't do any DIY other than painting so he wouldn't know what hard work was if it hit him in the face :) I used to cook for him etc and he'd never be home for it so it would go cold, I got fed up asking for help with DS only to be told that it's a 'woman's job' and i 'should wake up with the mindset I am a single mother each day'
Now we are in the position were.. I never cook anymore, I don't talk, I don't say "why have you came home so late?" Or "why can't you help wth DS" and because of that I am pretty sure we have nothing left, because I've 'let go' my feelings are fading. This will probably eventually happen to you. Stop cooking for the arse piece and start concentrating on your little baby, because honestly, see when you have a baby, with an unsupportive man, it makes you feel so completely vulnerable and lonely!

Just look at for yourself and enjoy your baby when he/she comes xx

Cammysmoma · 24/04/2017 11:56

Look out for yourself that should say

ChicRock · 24/04/2017 12:01

He's not really your partner then is he?

You are two people who live together, one who does his own thing, the other who arranges her own life to try and fit around him.

Might as well be single tbh.

NotAnotherUserName5 · 24/04/2017 12:06

This would annoy me so much. I'm 32 weeks pregnant, and I want to know when he'll be back etc. It's not much to ask.

Him making out that it's because you hate him going out is deflecting from the actual issue of him doing what the hell he likes!

Whathaveilost · 24/04/2017 12:06

Has he always been like this?

Yes he has. And it has always caused problems

Bit late for that, already 6 months gone

(Bangs head on table)

2014newme · 24/04/2017 12:08

Exactly! 🙄 some women are so infuriating!

NataliaOsipova · 24/04/2017 12:09

You do live together. But he's behaving like your flatmate, not your partner....and certainly not the future father of your child. He can't do that when you have a joint responsibility- your child - to care for. Needs sorting now.

Cammysmoma · 24/04/2017 12:10

@whattheveilost we all make poor decisions at one point in our life's. This woman is asking for advice/looking for some support... she isn't the first person in the world to have a baby with someone who may not be best suited to her or anyone for that matter!

Happyhippy45 · 24/04/2017 12:19

I find that very disrespectful.
Do the same to him and see if it bothers him. Go out and don't tell him where you're going. Don't reply to his texts. Swan back in whenever you feel like.

luckylucky24 · 24/04/2017 12:22

My DH can be a bit like this. When he goes out I just say "will you be home for tea?" That way I know if I need to accommodate him.
I also make a point of asking him on a Thursday/Friday if he has any plans for the weekend.

PolynesianGirl · 24/04/2017 12:30

YANBU but really you know that.
It is disrespectful not to tell your partner, the mother of your child where you are going and when you will be back.

I think you need a very big chat there because you have been fitting in around him (and I suspect he has never had to fit in round you!) so he is very much used to a system where he only has himself to look after.
When your baby will be here, he WILL have to take this child and you into account.
Or rather you want to make sure he WILL step up rather than merely carrying on as a single man whilst you are doing anything baby related (and whatever else).
I suspect he will find the transition to fatherhood particularly hard TBH....
And that's not even starting to talk about 5 years down the lines when said child will have some after school activities, play dates, b'day parties etc....

Fwiw my own DH has told me before he though that having to tell me what his pans were was controlling of me.... we've had words. We've had a calendar where everything goes aftercthat talk.
Key word there being 'if it's not on the calendar, it doesn't happen'.

Original poster
nInachu · 24/04/2017 14:11

Yes I think being a parent will be a big shock to him too.

OP posts:
DrawingLife · 24/04/2017 14:33

Assuming that you are imagining a future together I think it would be good to sit down with him and really try to imagine what life as a family will be like and what each of you expect and want.
If not he may simply assume that all that baby stuff is for you to handle and his life won't change too much, and you will effectively end up like a lone parent and resenting him. Or "letting go" emotionally because you can't stand the constant disappointment. I'd give him a chance by making sure he knows what you want / working out rules together, rather than assuming he already knows.

DrawingLife · 24/04/2017 14:36

Sorry, adding to the above: My DH and I did this when I was pregnant, just to make sure we were on the same page, and we didn't even have the problems you describe. It helped enormously because our respective expectations were clear and we didn't have to have arguments in the middle of the night while sleep deprived and not thinking straight.

BreatheDeep · 24/04/2017 14:36

Yes I think being a parent will be a big shock to him too.

It won't be if you don't sort this out as he'll just carry on like nothing has changed and leave it all to you.

FilledSoda · 24/04/2017 14:41

being a parent will be a big shock to him too

Oh op, I'm worried the only one getting a shock will be you.
Do you think he would be willing to change ?

Lennielala · 24/04/2017 14:46

Yes I think being a parent will be a big shock to him too.

I promise it will be you getting the shock unfortunately :(

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