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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want more time to myself

39 replies

NoTimeToMyself · 22/04/2017 14:49

Help fix a "discussion" between me and DP

I feel like I have no time to myself whereas DP has significantly more but think I should do more around the house which I feel eats into my "down time".

I work FT, long hours in a high pressure job.

DP is SAHP - all DC are at school - and will often choose to do "chores" in the evening suggesting that I join in. Despite having had several hours to themself during the day.

We're never going to get equal downtime but I resent fact that I have none as whenever I'm at home the position is I should do 50% of the work.

OP posts:

Cantseethewoods · 22/04/2017 14:58

If the dc are at school then he should be getting 100%of household and life admin done in that time. Then you can both relax when you get home. Otherwise, what is he doing all day?

Astro55 · 22/04/2017 15:01

But .... when the kids come home there is homework - tea to cook and wash up afterwards - clubs to drop off and pick up bath time and bed / stories and teeth etc

His day doesn't end at 5

What is he suggesting you help with?

Cantseethewoods · 22/04/2017 15:03

I assume the Op's day doesn't end at 5 either.

LookAtTheFlowersKerry · 22/04/2017 15:07

I'm a SAHM with kids in school. I get most things done during the day. Dh pitches in at weekends but I don't expect him to. He works 50-60 hrs a week at the moment.

In the evenings he eats dinner, plays guitar or piano, maybe does bath time with the little one, watches tv. I get all my downtime out of the way during the day.

TaliDiNozzo · 22/04/2017 15:15

What is he doing during the day if the children are at school? There shouldn't be much need for any housework outside of those hours surely?

Do you think maybe he's clumsily telling you he's had enough of being a sahp?

toffeeboffin · 22/04/2017 15:20

YANBU.

If the kids are at school he gets enough downtime.

toffeeboffin · 22/04/2017 15:21

What is he actually doing during the day?

ScrumpyBetty · 22/04/2017 15:41

If DC are at school then your DP gets plenty of downtime.
Yes you should absolytely have time to yourself!

LindyHemming · 22/04/2017 15:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Twopeapods · 22/04/2017 16:06

Your DP should be getting the majority of the work done during the day. If it was me I would expect the washing and ironing done, the bathrooms cleaned weekly, the kitchen cleaned and the shopping done. Plus general tidy ups. But I would prob expect you to help with baths/story and bedtime with kids. And possibly packed lunches for the next day. That's roughly how me and DH do it. Although ironing is a pain as toddler no longer naps, and doesn't go to nursery for another year, and I won't have the iron around when she's about so I usually iron one evening every two weeks and it's piled high!

rollonthesummer · 22/04/2017 16:12

Lots of assumptions here that the SAHP is a man!

If all the children are at school-there should only be a very bare minimum that needs doing in the evenings-a bit of washing up maybe?!

What chores are being suggested?

HermioneJeanGranger · 22/04/2017 16:15

Why is everyone assuming the DP is a man?

What are they doing while the kids are at school? If they want to have their downtime then, that's fine, but that doesn't mean they get to opt out in the evenings as well.

halobean · 22/04/2017 16:15

Why do you think dp is a man? Dp sounds lazy and should be doing all this while kids are at school! Totally different to if he or she was SAHP to young non school kids obviously.

Original poster

NoTimeToMyself · 22/04/2017 17:56

DP spends a lot of time at the gym and running. I guess there's always stuff to be done round the house so I don't think they're lazy but I don't want to get in from work and spend time doing chores.

I cook dinner and help DC to bed, read to them etc but I don't want to have to do homework in the week and iron/put away clothes.

OP posts:

Mrskeats · 22/04/2017 18:02

I don't really understand why anyone is a stay at home parent once children are at school
However if they are they should be doing all house jobs imho

LookAtTheFlowersKerry · 22/04/2017 20:40

Really MrsKeats? You can't think of any possible reasons why?

You'd still need childcare for before and after school and for the 13 weeks of school holidays, plus inset days and sick days.

Personally I don't work due to crappy MH, but now I've been at home for a couple of years I can't imagine going back to it. It means I can go to all the school events, get involved with the school a bit, get everything done during the day while they're at school, basically not be constantly chasing my tail.

Not everyone has a career, and not everyone wants one.

Mrskeats · 22/04/2017 20:42

Well maybe not but I think it's off the op is cooking every night and is being asked to extra stuff; the balance is off
I also think not working for a big chunk of time makes it hard to go back

expatinscotland · 22/04/2017 20:45

Oh, FFS, one of these 'they' threads because the OP thinks it will get different responses based on gender. Fucking annoying.

befuddledgardener · 22/04/2017 20:55

Show him this thread!

What is your DH doing during the day because gym/run is a couple of hours max.

Can you ask him to switch his day around so that he does the boring stuff first instead of inappropriately leaving it for you.

He can have a quick break once the kids are at school at 9.15, then do house chores (including prepping stuff for the evening meal) from 10 - 1. Followed by gym/run at 1 and school pick up 3.

With a stay at home parent of school aged kids, the evenings should be just cooking, homework, washing dishes, baths, story time. These limited jobs should be shared. He needs to do the majority during the day though.

Twopeapods · 22/04/2017 22:01

You definitely shouldn't be coming home and expected to cook, do homework, ironing etc. If your DP is going to the gym and running that's their down time. The balance is definitely off big time.
You should have a serious discussion and show your DP this thread if you feel able.

blackteasplease · 22/04/2017 23:13

Yanbu for saying "they".

blackteasplease · 22/04/2017 23:13

Yabu for saying "they"

blackteasplease · 22/04/2017 23:13

The second one!

Cantseethewoods · 23/04/2017 01:04

Admittedly I did assume the DP was a man but my answer would be the same either way based on the principle of equal leisure time. If the dc were pre- schoolers then I'd have a different answer.

Brokenbiscuit · 23/04/2017 01:14

Yanbu. If the kids are at school, DP needs to do all of the domestic work, or go back to work and share the domestic chores. Not fair that one partner gets loads of leisure time while the other gets none.

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