To want more time to myself

[NoTimeToMyself]

Help fix a "discussion" between me and DP

I feel like I have no time to myself whereas DP has significantly more but think I should do more around the house which I feel eats into my "down time".

I work FT, long hours in a high pressure job.

DP is SAHP - all DC are at school - and will often choose to do "chores" in the evening suggesting that I join in. Despite having had several hours to themself during the day.

We're never going to get equal downtime but I resent fact that I have none as whenever I'm at home the position is I should do 50% of the work.

I'd expect the person staying at home to do the vast majority of the household chores, particularly if that person isn't doing much childcare. The person who works outside the home should get an equal amount of downtime. The sexes of the people involved are moot.

With babies and toddlers home all day, I think you should expect to pick up some chores when you come home. But with all kids in school... what is DP doing all day? they should be able to get everything done unless the kids are home sick. Do you think he's just faffing during the day?

With kids in school, I think there shouldn't be much work left to do at the end of the day.

Interesting thread.

Iv seen similar breads where most of the working mums lay in to the sahm saying that her husband is useless etc etc because he doesn't do his fair share.
In fact iv been told that I'm 'institutionalised' because I said that as a sahm I do all the housework.

I agree though that your husband should be able to get most of the housework done during the day as the kids are at school, but I don't think it would be right for you to go spend time alone and stick your feet up otherwise your kids would get no time with their mum.
Certainly you shouldn't have to cook after work, or do tidying or cleaning,
But it wouldn't hurt to do reading, bathtime, and maybe the bedtime routine now again.

I don't think you should be cooking. Maybe just bath time and reading bedtime stories.

Threads not breads lol!

YABU in so many ways, and so is your DP.

There is no reason both parents should not be working at least part-time if the children are of school age. Otherwise they are not a SAHP, they are a dosser. Realise I will get grilled for that comment, but this SAHP thing annoys me so much when there are 6 hours per day when the person is not parenting.

Under the current circumstances, your DP should be doing pretty much everything needed in the home whilst other than evening chores such as making dinner, washing up, kid's baths, bedtime stories, homework, etc. The runs and down time come after this stuff is done.

YABU because you do not see the above examples as equally yours and DP's responsibility. Your own time comes after the kids are in bed. Although that may not be great for your relationship, but each to their own.

WhereDoesThisRoadGo that's all good and well you saying if the kids are at school both parents should work, but it's hard enough getting a job for 4 hours during school time (taking school run into account) let alone finding childcare during onset days, school holidays etc.

Ok if you have retired parents ready and waiting but for most people it's a nightmare.

I don't have any issue with DP (who is in fact DH) being a SAHP.

My preference is to have someone at home to take care of the DC after they finish school, financially it's no issue and it means that the DC can have friends over and continue with their sports/ECAs.

But when I get home I just want to chill

Before I had dc, I considered anyone who was a sahp to school age dc unemployed. I was wrong.

There's approx 8 hours of work a day involved in being a sahp to school age dc/housewife if you do everything and you're an involved parent.

8-9am breakfast/dressed/drop off
1 hour housework
1 hour admin (if your dc do activities)
3-8pm - pick up/dinner/extra curricular activities/homework/stories/bath

Yanbu. I think the sahp has time to do all the chores in the day and still have plenty of downtime. But I do think the wohp should be involved in the child care once they're home.

Being SAHP to school age children is very different from being a sahp to pre-schoolers. The SAHP should have plenty of time to do housework, admin and some preparation for dinner while children are at school.

It's reasonable for both to share tasks only done in the evening - cooking dinner, washing up, children's homework and bedtime.

Can't you just (subtley) ask DH how much time he spends at the gym/running/reading/relaxing/generally doing chores etc and then agree that after you have taken that amount of time for yourself when you come in from work you will share whatevers left? You can pretty much guarantee the won't Be anything to share.... To my mind, His kind of "working day" is like a 'split shift' - whereas yours is clearly a 'straight' shift - and it may help his understanding of the situation if it were phrased that way?

Although to present the alternative view I have a similar situation but totally reversed - as in, i am the sahp and Dp works later shifts (usually leaves home about 11am) - and he thinks he should be able to have some chill time in that morning period as i will often be able to grab an hour or so during the day, whereas although i agree to that to some degree i also think he should get involved to some extent as it's the one time in the working day he gets to spend some QT with his children..... finding a balance that feels fair/right is the key!

(Disclaimer: my DC are Not school age so in reality i get V.little actual downtime during the day.... If DC were in school i would be more understanding of OH's POV but would still expect him to want to hang out with his kids!)

will often choose to do "chores" in the evening suggesting that I join in.

chores are free to be done whenever you want, so he's completely reasonable to choose that. Just don't join in and have your time to yourself if you feel that is a fair. Is he even actually suggesting you join in, or do you just feel that?

I think that you need to have downtime and your DH should be doing the majority of the chores around the house but I find it really interesting that I'm pretty sure you'd get different replies if you were a SAHM and we're posting about your DH wanting more downtime. Then I'm pretty sure a lot of people would say that he needs to do more around the house, he doesn't understand that it's a full time job looking after kids and the house etc. Anyway, I know that's not the point of your post but it's funny how many of us still have these views although we don't really realise it.

If he has time to go the gym during the day then he is getting time to himself and if he prefers to do some chores in the evening then that's fine, but you shouldn't have to help him because you're at home. I find it helps if you agree up front what jobs you are both responsible for round the house, then everyone's clear on what's expected of them, rather than saying there's housework to be done and we're both free so let's both do it. Of course there will be times when you might ask your partner to help out with something that you usually do.