I told my DS about the DV

[namechange5002]

Long story short. Eldest DC biological father is a low life, in the last few years he has had limited access, through the courts etc. He turns up very other weekend for his access day huffing and puffing - marching up the fucking street until DS is ready to go. He spouts racist shit, he fills my son full of entitled shit about not needing to work at school & that the system will fucking provide. Am I unreasonable that I have finally told my DS that his biological dad beat the shit out me and that his view on the world is so twisted it is fucked beyond belief. My poor boy was shellshocked when I said his DF beat me & broke down our front door (he was a toddler then). Should I have just left it or let my teenager view this vile man as a role model. I've resisted for 10 years in saying anything - but the fear that he might emulate this vile evil man finally got to me this evening. Was I wrong in telling him some of the truth - the sanitised truth for a 14 year old.

YANBU. 14 is old enough to understand. Your ex sounds ghastly.

He cried, I feel bloody awful. Should I have just kept up the la la land, but the fear of acceptance of that way, his GM on that side called it normal - it's just the way it is - they are all conditioned - there is only so much I can undo. If that makes sense.

Oh dear I don't think you were wrong but I hope you put it more gently than your post.

So sorry you've been through that and now are still having to deal with the fall out 💐

I think 14 is old enough to hear a gentle version of the truth.

If it stops him from lapping up everything that waste of space fills his ear with, it's not a bad thing.

Besides, why shouldn't he know?!

It's a difficult one, I so wish I hadn't felt the need the tell him. I didn't want to tell him, it was a long time ago. But it's as if bio dad has been influencing him to say it's ok to treat women that way. The whole side of that family view DV as acceptable, normal behaviour in a family household. My fear was that he might also view it as normal. My house is totally chilled, my DH is lovely, has brought my DS up since he was 4. But DS has been acting recently as his dad is king - and everything we do is wrong. The bastard kicked and punched the living shit out of me, I want him to die, not to be the man the my DS turns to for advice on life.

I think you did the right thing- you say it was a sanitised version, he's at an impressionable age and it's important that he knows his "father" is not a role model

I made it very clear to my ex and his family that I'd be clear about the reasons once they were emotionally ready to dig beyond 'sometimes adult relationships go quite wrong'. I don't feel guilt about that plan. After all, he has never sought to apologise or admit that his behaviour was wrong.
I think you'll do some good to instill in him an idea that in every way violence is wrong and that you did and will not accept it nor did you allow him to be a victim by remaining with the ex.

I think you can follow this up with gentle questionings of the entitled bollocks... Why do you think that, what would happen if, why do you think your dad thinks that, Wyatt do you think (girlfriend/best friend/admired teacher) would think of that, what might happen if ...etc

I don't think you were unreasonable. You may need to be there to support him and also ensure you challenge some of the other ways of thinking (I.e. Don't work at school) that he is giving. Those will be just as corrosive in the long run.

Not ideal to feel forced into telling him in a hurry without planning or a chance for him to react/question/discuss, but understandable. I think at 14 he's old enough for some of the truth.

That must have been so difficult for you but I agree it was right to tell him. It is hard to process but it is good that he has a decent role model in your DH from what you say.

I remember my mum had that conversation with me but far too young! I think I was only 7 or 8 and I couldn't handle it I was petrified of my Dad and never saw him again.

Thank you all, I feel a little better. It is a little bit of a holy fuck, how do you explain to a 14 year old that DV is not normal. I so wish he had never had to view it, I unfortunately know now he has witnessed it at his biological fathers house. I've restricted access through the courts to the household, but I have to give day access ever two weeks. It's just insane, access at all costs - never a thought to the child in the middle of it all. We try as much as we can give a normal safe environment - but the courts say I have to hand over to a dis functional violent household. My beautiful DS should not have to deal with that, and I find it hard to explain why it not right - whilst handing over my DS to them every fortnight. But at that age the DS has a voice and the voice is he wants to see his dad. Even if his dad is a very bad person.

I believe it's for the best, albeit hard for your DS to accept. It's best that he hears this from you as keeping things like this a secret can come and bite you later on.

Don't worry, I expect he already knows damn well DV is wrong as 1- there's quite a lot of media coverage on this. 2 and vastly more important- you and your DH have completely different ways of sorting out your differences.

Did he tell you he witnessed DV at his 'D'F's house before or after you revealed that he had been violent with you?

And no, I don't think you were U but you do now have to take a crash course in how to support him psychologically through this as it's a head fuck of epic proportions (not your fault obv, just the way it is)

Get every piece of support you can, Amazon for books, school if have Counsellor, see what advice Womens Aid for such situations (or Childline) as there is zero doubt he is gonna need help in the fall out from this - he loves his Dad (& that isn't gonna change) but will be feeling massively conflicted right now

You've done the right thing, hard as it is. And it is quite possible he loves his dad but dislikes his behaviour. That could be quite a conflicted place for him. My DS is 14 too and I'm not with his dad.
See how he goes, but remember he can access counselling through school or DV programs if he is struggling with it. And get support for yourself if you need it too. I know it was a long time ago but this is a new stage in dealing with it.

shaking before, I've been processing it - probably taking to long. It's one of the reasons why I told the solicitors he couldn't stay over night . Deemed as mild DV as no "real" witnesses - whatever the fuck that means. But I know what the BD is capable off. I had so wished he had changed and that it was just a one off with me. I know what he does, and it was bad enough for a toddler to witness, I don't want my teenage son to one witness it, and to view it as normal. It is not normal, but that whole side of that family view DV as normal , including the Grandma ! I was told that I was mollycoddling my son & this is just want happens in most households!!!! Seriously!!!

Namechange, you are right that is the prevailing view in the family court. Access at all costs, no real consideration of the child. So is anyone reading this thread going to do anything about it? Womensaid are trying. Their campaigns are limited but are focussing on how the family courts are giving access to violent abusers. But the campaign stops short. The family courts don't recognise domestic abuse in any other context and our children suffer. I fear for my children's generation.,

I think you were right.

You've done the right thing, and all going well, you and your DS will now be able to keep on talking about these issues - both in the abstract and as they have affected you, and him.

I don't know, but maybe there are charities or other organisations out there which would be able to offer help with the continuing conversation?

I think you were right too.

Your role is to parent and guide your DCs. Not be their best mates and keep things from them.

He is old enough (for an age appropriate version) and I think you are equipping him with knowledge about that situation that is actually vital for him to know.

I really feel for you OP and know exactly what you're going through. I had a similar conversation with my 15 year old DS the other week. I told him about what his Father did to me, and also how he's been to prison for beating another women since then. Obviously he was very upset, but I think he had a right to know and it's helped him understand I think, that the fact his Dad doesn't bother with him is not his fault, the mans just a nasty piece of work in general.

We had a long chat about relationships and what's right and wrong.

Hang in there... we're raising these boys the better men than their Fathers are x

You did the right thing. Sometimes children need to know that not all adults are to be trusted or idolised and that some are shits who are not worthy of our time, no matter who they are. My mum left me when I was little. My DCs have asked where my mum is and I have always been honest with them. I'm not ashamed of it and I feel it's important to not feed bullshit to kids. Obviously it was age appropriate. Occasionally they mention it or ask questions and I always answer. I think things like this help us to build good, honesting and trusting relationships. Hopefully your DS will make his own choice about not going to his awful fathers house. Surely at his age the courts will take his opinion on it if he doesn't want to go? Witnessing DV is awful for children. I've been there.