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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

I told my DS about the DV

47 replies

namechange5002 · 14/04/2017 20:14

Long story short. Eldest DC biological father is a low life, in the last few years he has had limited access, through the courts etc. He turns up very other weekend for his access day huffing and puffing - marching up the fucking street until DS is ready to go. He spouts racist shit, he fills my son full of entitled shit about not needing to work at school & that the system will fucking provide. Am I unreasonable that I have finally told my DS that his biological dad beat the shit out me and that his view on the world is so twisted it is fucked beyond belief. My poor boy was shellshocked when I said his DF beat me & broke down our front door (he was a toddler then). Should I have just left it or let my teenager view this vile man as a role model. I've resisted for 10 years in saying anything - but the fear that he might emulate this vile evil man finally got to me this evening. Was I wrong in telling him some of the truth - the sanitised truth for a 14 year old.

OP posts:
Neverknowing · 14/04/2017 21:56

I think it's good he knows. It means he will see DV for what it is, when it happens to someone you don't know it's different and your abusive ex could be trying to lead him into that. Hopefully now he sees that your ex is an arse and takes everything he says with a grain of salt. I'm sorry you had to go through this op.

namechange5002 · 14/04/2017 21:57

I agree there is a darker issue here, the access at all costs. But all I wanted to know is that I hadn't hit the dark side by telling my DS a sanitised version of the truth. He doesn't need to know how I was pinned to a wall, had internal bleeding because I was hit so hard - but it was all my fault. And everyone I knew said I had to keep access open, as the worst thing in the planet was a boy who didn't know his father -and when you get the courts - well let's not even go there on how they vilify you for working & trying to keep things normal.

All I know is that I have my beautiful boy upset as I told him that his dad beat me, and that domestic violence is not normal - it's what weird people do who have no control over themselves - it's not right, not normal and it's a weirdo way to express love/hate- it's just not normal in any shape or form. But that whole side of the family, aunties, his grandma they take DV in their stride as a right of fucking passage.

OP posts:
ChasedByBees · 14/04/2017 22:07

Letting him know the effect on you might not be a bad thing - particularly when the other side of his family are saying that this is no big deal and in a sense, they are presenting the abusers side of violence (it barely hurts them right?)

Maybe not right not if he's already in tears and trying to process this but as a part of a series of conversations you might want to share some of that.

Inertia · 14/04/2017 22:14

I think you're right to let him know the truth. He's going to find it difficult to process. And be prepared for your ex to lie about what happened if your son ever raises the issue with him- though to be honest, if the violence and misogyny are as blatant and entrenched within that family as you've indicated, your son might start to figure things out for himself.

I don't think you should minimise what happened to you when you discuss it with your son , in an attempt to protect him from the truth- it would be better to tell him that some details are too brutal for him to hear about, rather than present an over- sanitised version that your Ex will suggest is an over-reaction on your part.

BCGRMDP · 14/04/2017 22:22

you did the right thing!

im dreading the day this conversation happens in my house. "yes dd, your dad did try and kill me with you watching more than once, yes he did strangle me and beat me and even raped me in front of you. oh and ds, you were conceived by one of those rapes and your dad tried to kill you whilst i was still pregnant with you.. twice.. and shook you at a few weeks old" take it im going to need a gentler approach than this though

fuzzywuzzy · 14/04/2017 22:48

This is why I've never tried to make ex to be a good person to my dc.

I always let them know that he used to hit me and that's why we are not together. My eldest sometimes remembers things youngest has no memories but neither idolises their father.

And I fought tooth and nail to ensure they had no direct contact as his abuse was extending to dc and I wasn't having that.

The courts were at the time really really bad about child contact and dv I was told that what he did to me had no bearing on contact! Thankfully I eventually got a judge who specialised in dv and changed the contact to no direct contact.

namechange5002 · 14/04/2017 23:23

I know I've failed him, yes I've given him some of the truth now - and it was heartbreaking. I can't give the full truth it would be destroying. I'm stuck in a world where the law and society says access at all costs. Well the law is an Arse. I just have to hope and pray that my words help to break a god awful cycle. I've got to protect my beautiful boy against these people. He can not become one of them, it is my responsibility to make sure he doesn't listen to them - that he understands it's not normal / that it's not the right way. No pressure, but I know we need to have a long conversation.

OP posts:
BlackeyedSusan · 15/04/2017 00:08

oh lovely. it is really hard to have these difficult conversations and it should notbe like that.

there is stuff the dc's do not know that I am not putting here as aibu hangs around for ever. but they do know that their dad hit me and that is why he does not live with us any more.

BeIIatrixLeStrange · 15/04/2017 02:10

I think you have made a mistake. Maybe you could have had an altogether different conversation with your son about how twisted his Dads world view is.

All you have done now, is spread the pain. Opened up old wounds and put this on your son.

I have chosen never to discuss my experiences with my daughter. I will never tell her. Ever.

Years later I met the man who is now my husband, and when he was a young teenager, his mother decided to share DV info about his dad, the rapes and beatings. Nothing good came from this, ,other than years of pain and counselling.

Henrysmycat · 15/04/2017 04:06

Bella, pardon me but what a whole lotta bull!
Saying "unnecessary" violent, soul destroying stuff is one thing, trying to stop her child from turning like his wanker father as a domestic abuser is a complete different. The OP didn't inform her son of her experiences just for the fuck of it. He's 14 not 7!
OP the world is a cruel place, he'd know a lot worse and hopefully not experience DV equivalent pain. You did the right thing. I lost my sister to DV, I admire you.
My only concern, as he's at an impressionable age, is to see his dad as a idol and the 'cool' parent while you're the boring nasty one.

Foslady · 15/04/2017 07:46

You did the right thing by telling him. If you had kept quiet it plays into their hands, driving DV below ground. You did it in a sanitised way, introducing it in, if you'd have said too much too soon he could have accused you of being over dramatic, trying to turn him against his dad. By introducing it gently he knows that women can and should speak out and say 'No', although in reality when you are in the midst of it , it's far harder to do than many people realise.

Hopefully you have broken the cycle, but don't feel bad - you weren't the one who started all this, your abuser was the first time they threatened to harm you

JaxingJump · 15/04/2017 07:51

I think it's right he knows the truth but he's going to need s lot of support. Don't just leave it there.

Right now I bet he thinks he's going to be like his father and is scared.

Gileswithachainsaw · 15/04/2017 07:55

I think you did the right thing.

If it stops him believing the nasty crap he spouts then that can only be a good thing. Don't feel guilty you have spent 14 years supporting the relationship and protection your ds. Think I'd have "snapped" alot earlier you can't possibly have been expected to hold onto that by yourself.forever.

Wtf have you got to feel guilty about. People need to know the truth no matter how hard it is. Don't you dare feel guilty!!!

FlowersBrewCake

Hissy · 15/04/2017 08:42

Not unreasonable at all lovely, if anything you should have told him sooner.

I hope this helps him sort out his priorities and work out what makes a better role model

Hissy · 15/04/2017 08:43

Your son is also old enough to decide not to go and meet his dad too btw.

0nline · 15/04/2017 09:03

An out of the blue information release, for which there was no prior ground laying is a hell of a shock. When the shattering of your perception of a parent is part of that, it leaves room for a profound and enduring sense of loss.

Revelations about your parent's very very clay like feet can feel like an earthquake going off right under you. Some kids keep their feet during the tremor and cracks are easily repaired, some wobble hard go down to their knees but get up again with just light bruising not too long after.

Some fall down hard and struggle for a very long time to get back upright. Rising up in a landscape that can feel irrevocably changed. And not in a good way.

He knows you. If the only thing he could read from your tone, your language choices, your facial expressions and body language was concern for him, that will be part of the tool kit he can use to regain his equilibrium.

If there was any way he could have perceived anything that tinged the conversation with an element of less altruistic motivation, that will go in his personal tool box too. That is neither an accusation, nor a criticism. Humans are not robots and high tensions often lead to long standing emotional hangovers that can leak out, even from people who love and fundamentally want the best for their children.

Did you see the film Inside Out ? Specifically the formation of the islands that shape personality and what makes you.. you.

I can remember with clarity the memories that made 'islands" for myself and my siblings. And they aren't all shiny. Some of them are dark, twisted places formed after parental revelations about the other parent. As a sibling group of three we have had varying degrees of success in controlling the extent to which those "islands" expanded and built suburbs. Or went the way of Detroit, there, but essentially decaying, dying and becoming ghost towns.

Even with the best of intensions revelatory, shocking moments in time can generate those sorts of pivotal memories that have the power to shape us for decades, because they feature strongly in the decision making processes life demands of us all, as we go from child to adult.

Which is why in your position I would focus on getting quality support for him in place before it becomes apparent that he needs it. I don't live in the UK, so have no idea what the lay of the land is now, but would suggest school and the GP as a first stop off point to get information and guidance.

You didn't make his dad hit you. You didn't make his dad be the arse he is. You didn't create the context that placed a shocking revelation on the table as potentially necessary. You had no control over any of that, which is a horrible disempowering place to be. But you do have the power to control the extent to which impartial, quality support and informed guidance is accessible to your son, should he need it.

To some this will sound overegged. Like I said. Some kids wobble, but don't fall, or if they do get up again fairly fast with few bruises. If that is all somebody has ever known then they may not be aware of just how life-impacting an event like this can be for some of the kids, some of the time. There isn't always the recognition that events like this can create a kind of grief for a lost parent because your image of who they are shatters. I strongly suspect that a part of why some kids take so long to get back up, and do so covered in scars, is because they are left dealing long term with unacknowledged grief.

It is clear that you love your son and are fearful of the horrendously negative impact his father could have on his formation and future life chances. That points to a very motivated parent who is more than willing to help him. Which means he has a fighting chance of working through his destroyed image of his dad. With your guided and supplemented, emotional support cushioning him as he comes to terms with the loss of the father he thought he had.

JigglyTuff · 15/04/2017 09:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Justanothernameonthepage · 15/04/2017 09:11

Another one saying you did the right thing. And at the right age. Just be a bit gentle with him and if you can, go for a walk with him and let him know you're ready to answer any questions he has. And be as honest as you can be. Also recommend getting him to read 'why does he do that' as he'll probably be a bit worried at some level about repeating his Dad's mistakes

BertieBotts · 15/04/2017 09:47

I think you've done the right thing, but instead of framing it as 'weird' perhaps you could talk in terms of people being emotionally 'unhealthy' or even just having some unhealthy beliefs. Because if he has a relationship with his dad's family, he might find it difficult to hear them being called weird, and it puts him off your message and almost onto their side. Whereas with the idea of unhealthy beliefs it makes it clear that the their beliefs about abuse, their way of dealing with problems, is the thing that's false and the people themselves can be perfectly nice and normal (even if you don't think so!) It also makes a difference between him thinking 'but I'm like them, what if I'm weird too?' And thinking 'that is a pattern of thoughts and behaviour from dad's family that I can choose or reject'. You could even explain that this is part of why you left so he could see an alternative and he didn't automatically learn those patterns of behaviour by growing up living with them.

namechange5002 · 16/04/2017 22:44

Thank you all for your advice, it has been a lot of help. I'm not sure I handled it right but that passage has gone. When his dad came to the door this time, DS didn't do the huffing & puffing of why was I get a bit techie - the door bell goes, then the banging and then the banging again and again. The marching and then the banging. I won't answer the door - I have smaller children in the house - I don't need them to witness the abuse I get when I do answer the door (lesson learnt). DS seems pretty non de plussed about it all, which is a little concerning, but perhaps that's just his way. Unfortunately for us it seems that his biological father is now after more access, his pregnant girlfriend has ditched him (Something happened - don't know the details). So he is now back in the area. Great not! On the surface if you met them - these are not bad people, but the lives they lead in private are just warped. Over protection of a charming but sociopathic man child, and every one of us exes is the satan woman. And all the men I have seen in that family are the same. I have to find a way to break the cycle. To show that it is not acceptable and that it causes real damage - ?????? I'm trying in untrodden waters, my DP, DD & every man in my family are normal human beings. It's as if I crossed the waters into fuckville. The only beautiful thing that came out of that of that interaction all those years ago is a beautiful boy. That all I want to do now is protect from them people. They are almost institutionalised in their thinking.

OP posts:
CheshireChat · 18/04/2017 13:06

A lot of toxic behaviours are learnt so no surprise there.

How is your son now he's had a bit of time to process things?

Hissy · 18/04/2017 13:18

Do you have any direct contact with this bloke?

Can you send a message that he is to ring the doorbell only when he is collecting DS, otherwise he is not to hammer the door or demand to come in. that will never be allowed due to his abuse of you.

If he doesnt feel able to approach your home with respect for your family/home you will call the police

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