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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to be a single parent

46 replies

starzzzz · 12/04/2017 19:23

Just trying to be honest.

My marriage is a complete living breathing NIGHTMARE but single parenthood seems worse (for me, I'm not making a judgement or saying it's bad for anyone else.)

The loneliness, the financial restrictions, the limitations. I'm terrified of that for me and terrified for my kids.

OP posts:
Mombie2016 · 12/04/2017 19:24

I'm actually more free and far less lonely now than I was when I was married.

But my H was an abusive sack of shit so...

sanitygirl · 12/04/2017 19:25

Don't be terrified. It will be far better than how things are for you now. I've been a single parent since mine were 4yrs and 6 months and although of course there are hard moments, it's been great.

Cocklodger · 12/04/2017 19:27

Don't let your kids watch you grow up in a shit marriage because you're terrified of being single.
Single parents do fine, honestly. I was raised by one.
Flowers

Original poster
starzzzz · 12/04/2017 19:28

Thanks for being nice. I think my H is an abusive sack of shit too. So why do I still care about him? Where is the logic in caring about an abusive sack of shit?

It just feels like such a huge decision to rip a family apart.

OP posts:
Gallavich · 12/04/2017 19:29

I'm happier and freer doing it all myself than in a bad marriage.

CrazyDuchess · 12/04/2017 19:29

Well I am a single mum and everyday, although difficult at times, could never call a nightmare! I know what I prefer.

Original poster
starzzzz · 12/04/2017 19:30

It's hard to say. I know on those long, long days where he's out of the house and it's like time stands still and I don't know. Is that what I want the rest of my life to look like, a load of empty space?

OP posts:
ShitIForgotToUntick · 12/04/2017 19:30

Well I've been a single parent for years and i love it. Don't find it difficult or restrictive, well no more than anyone with kids. Never get lonely either, although i realise I'm quite unusual in that respect. Can't even relate to the lone parent threads on here as i really don't have anything to complain about. I've honestly never been happier and am thoroughly enjoying this stage of my life.

sanitygirl · 12/04/2017 19:32

You wouldn't be ripping your family apart - you and your children would be a lovely family unit - minus the abusive shit

sanitygirl · 12/04/2017 19:33

How old are your children? Do you work?

Original poster
starzzzz · 12/04/2017 19:33

Yes, but the abusive shit wouldn't just meekly trot away Hmm if only.

OP posts:
Original poster
starzzzz · 12/04/2017 19:33

No, I don't work ... speaking candidly he's made sure I can't. I have tried, I really have.

OP posts:
sanitygirl · 12/04/2017 19:34

The rest of your life can be as full as you make it - work, friends, children, hobbies, travel..:.

Helloooomeee · 12/04/2017 19:35

It is a huge decision to rip a family apart and it shouldn't be taken lightly. It's a hard break to make. But for me, it was amazing. I thought he did so much for me and that I would fall apart without him. Turns out he made out that he did a lot more than he actually did. Life was simpler, easier and a whole lot happier on my own. I had time without the kids to pursue my own hobbies and after being financially controlled for years I was far better off as a single parent!

Original poster
starzzzz · 12/04/2017 19:35

Well, theoretically :) I'm not sure I'm much good or use on my own. Or even not on my own! I don't know.

OP posts:
summersuperhero · 12/04/2017 19:39

I can relate to how you feel. My DH is hard work a lot of the time too (addiction issues) but even though I know DS and I would probably be better off on our own, I can't seem to make the break. I work and currently I'm the only earner so I can probably afford to go it alone, however it's just such a huge decision to make. Sometimes DH can be lovely and that gives me false hope but I know things will never be how I would like them to be. Flowers For you

Mombie2016 · 12/04/2017 19:39

starz Yep I felt exactly the same as you. Why do I love someone who seemingly has only contempt for me. Even when he fucked off when I was pregnant I was still desperately chasing him and begging him to come home because I wanted us to be a family. I've never felt more pathetic in my entire life Sad

Anyway he ignored me for the majority of my pregnancy and turned up a few times after DS was born "to get his parental rights" Hmm Only the last I heard from him was 6th April 2016 and he's not used those rights nor bothered to see DS. No child support either and the fucker is currently sofa surfing and working cash in hand/being funded by Mummy/sisters because he is verrrry good at the "poor me" game Angry

I feel very angry with myself for not leaving much sooner however when they've got your beating heart in their greedy hands it's not as cut and dried as that.

Be kind to yourself. It is normal to feel this way.

But also. I didn't want my DS growing up thinking this was a normal way of living. If ExH wanted to see him I would fight to the death to prevent that now because my eyes are wide open. And one day yours will be too. Everyone has different breaking points.

It is terrifying. I was left alone from DS birth and I have two elder DCs too.

Original poster
starzzzz · 12/04/2017 19:39

Yes, same here re he can be lovely.

It's really hard.

OP posts:
Mombie2016 · 12/04/2017 19:40

But also it is fucking exhilarating

I didn't realise I drowning till I wasn't any more, iyswim?! I feel so light and free now.

Original poster
starzzzz · 12/04/2017 19:40

I feel like I can see him but I close my eyes tight shut because I don't want to.

OP posts:
winam · 12/04/2017 19:49

I have been a single parent and it definitely was hard. It's very limiting being the only parent (never being able to pop out without taking them with you, always having to be the one to deal with drop offs). Financially it was very hard as I was on benefits. It isn't easy. My ex was abusive so there was no choice for me to stay - it wouldn't have been right for my dc to grow up seeing that.

I'm not a single parent any longer though - I met a lovely man and we got married a few years ago Smile. That would never have happened if I hadn't left my ex. You're missing out on the opportunity of future happiness with another man if you stay in an unhappy relaitonship.

summersuperhero · 12/04/2017 19:50

I see mine for what he is too but try to ignore it. He's currently in the pub, has been since early afternoon I think. I'm ok, because he isn't here I can make myself believe that everything is fine. But obviously it isn't really fine, it's the complete opposite.

Justmadeperfectflapjacks · 12/04/2017 19:55

You will still be a family. . A happier one. . A happier you. . So ultimately happier dc.

Being a parent gives you inner strength to get through what you have to - to achieve new beginnings.

LovelyBath77 · 12/04/2017 21:39

The way you feel about not being any good on your own etc, should that be due to lack of self esteem due to being in the relationship perhaps.

Original poster
starzzzz · 12/04/2017 22:07

Thanks for your replies. I really, really appreciate them.

I've had a walk, and a think. I think one of the big problems I've got is how unhappy and discontent I feel with everything, not just my relationship.

I'm so cripplingly lonely Sad DH works long hours and I feel that even when he is here, he is critical of me and passes judgement on the most innocuous of stuff. I was saying I might open a Facebook account as there is a group on there for the secondary school DC1 will go to, and he got all funny about that. I just feel so isolated. No one texts, calls, visits. His shifts are long but even when he's not working, if it's a weekday and not a weekend he decides he has to do this and that and play golf and go to the gym and get his hair cut and go to the bank and I just feel like we never spend 'time' together. Then Saturdays are crazy with one child doing rugby and music and one doing ballet and gymnastics and he just wants to have a quiet Saturday after working all week but for me after being on my own all week I want a friend, I guess! He can also be quite mean sexually: if I try to cuddle him or hug him he's not interested but then wants sex later on.

The problem though is ive always over-relied on him, always leaned too heavily on him. I don't love being a SAHM but then I find I get stressed out working and doing everything for the children. Ideally, I'd want a part time job but one where I can get to know people and have friends. And the. Have some structure to my life so I can get involved properly in voluntary work and community stuff. I just want to feel I've got people around me who care I suppose, but maybe I'm expecting too much?

Thanks again, for all your answers.

OP posts:
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