Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

To not want to be a single parent

46 replies

starzzzz · 12/04/2017 19:23

Just trying to be honest.

My marriage is a complete living breathing NIGHTMARE but single parenthood seems worse (for me, I'm not making a judgement or saying it's bad for anyone else.)

The loneliness, the financial restrictions, the limitations. I'm terrified of that for me and terrified for my kids.

OP posts:

Sidalee7 · 12/04/2017 22:14

I can honestly say I was more lonely in the last 6 months of my failing marriage than I EVER have been in my 6 years of being on my own.

it doesn't have to be financially restrictive, I'm not loaded but I am fine and I don't receive any benefits apart from CB.

manicinsomniac · 12/04/2017 22:27

Well I love being a single parent. But I've got nothing to compare it to, to be fair; I've never been in a relationship.

YAN necessarily being unreasonable but you may well find it's amazing.

neonrainbow · 12/04/2017 22:30

Well he's got you nicely isolated and sounds like he's destroyed your self esteem. I think you'd be far happier on your own. But it might take you a while to get to the point of being able to leave him.

missymayhemsmum · 12/04/2017 22:57

Being a single parent is hard work but it's also great freedom. If currently everything you do/ say/ think is measured by your dh's negative opinion then you're living half a life. But only you can decide whether you want to be in or out of this relationship, or indeed how you want to change your life within it.
What is stopping you going out to work/volunteering/ going on facebook/ meeting your friends if that is what you choose to do? How is he preventing you ?

Original poster

starzzzz · 12/04/2017 23:00

He just makes it really difficult, hides car keys and phones and says no one likes me they just feel sorry for me, those sorts of things.

OP posts:

Namechanger2015 · 12/04/2017 23:20

Please google the Freedom Programme. You really shouldn't live like this.

I've been a single parent for 2.5 years now, I left with a 7, 5 and 2 year old. I have lived a much fuller life since I left than I did in 10 years of marriage. Ex was also abusive. When you leave, you feel like you are seeing the sky for the first time.

It is hard and he will make it hard for you (mine still does), but you will find a way to manage him. Arm yourself with knowledge about abusive men, but also spend some time finding out about benefits etc you would be entitled to as a single parent.

Do t let your children grow up in an abusive household. It's the best thing I ever ever did for my children was leaving their dad and letting them know his behaviour was unacceptable.
You can do this.

nickienackienoo · 12/04/2017 23:29

*starzzzz Wed 12-Apr-17 19:23:10
Just trying to be honest.

My marriage is a complete living breathing NIGHTMARE but single parenthood seems worse (for me, I'm not making a judgement or saying it's bad for anyone else.)

The loneliness, the financial restrictions, the limitations. I'm terrified of that for me and terrified for my kids.*

aaah OP it was the exact opposite for me - like yours, my marriage was a 'complete nightmare' I prayed to be single though to get rid of the bum! On paper we had the perfect marriage - Gorgeous home, flash cars, money no object. In reality? He was wanted by the Met for fraud amongst other things and led a double life.

Taking my son and starting from scratch was so scarey admittedly - But I'm so proud - of me, and my son, - I turned my horrible situation around, worked hard and in return have a fab son who is just starting a fab career.

Scared of being single? God no -scared of being connected to that utter tosser - gives me chills! ha!

Original poster

starzzzz · 13/04/2017 07:09

You will think I'm pathetic but I've done the Freedom Programme

OP posts:

BlondeBecky1983 · 13/04/2017 07:16

My friend has just left her abusive sack of shit and is now a single Mum of two. She was reluctant at first but now she's over the first few months she is so much happier. Good luck xx

megletthesecond · 13/04/2017 07:38

It's better than being with an asshole.

Don't get me wrong, it's hard (8 yrs in) and I never go out in the evenings but I do work pt and get to the gym. In the very long term I'd still rather be in this situation than with xp.

TupperwareTat · 13/04/2017 07:43

It will be worth it & it will be fine.

You owe it to yourself & your children to lead a happy life together, free of the burden.

Temporaryanonymity · 13/04/2017 07:52

I'm a single parent. It was tougher when the children were younger but they are both juniors now and it gets easier and easier.

I can wholeheartedly tell you that my situation is infinitely better than the one you described. I am master of my own destiny. I have dated a few men over the years but to be honest I have no desire to live with a man again.

limon · 13/04/2017 08:14

Yanbu. I feel exactly the same plus if we split I would only see DD half of the week. Not up for that. Got married, made a commitment and want to make it work for those reasons.

Original poster

starzzzz · 13/04/2017 08:15

I just still feel grateful someone actually wanted to marry me. Doesn't matter how many times I read on here he is abusive, how many times I look at the FP, how much I get shat on; I'm grateful. There's something wrong with me.

OP posts:

limon · 13/04/2017 08:15

AltHough my dh is not abusive like yours.

LovelyBath77 · 13/04/2017 09:20

I don't think there is something wrong with you, but it sounds like it has affected your confidence. However, maybe it would help to speak to someone like the GP about some support and counselling to talk through things? Kind thoughts. it sounds hard.

flippinada · 13/04/2017 10:21

I'm a single parent too. It's hard work and money is tight but it's infinitely better than being with an abusive man. You're stronger than you know.

flirtygirl · 13/04/2017 10:43

Op do some googling on trauma bonding and get womans aid to refer you to counselling. You've done the freedom programme but you can do it again.

It takes time and we all dont arrive at the place, we need to be at the same time.

I left my husband after a thread on here and he was very abusive but i didnt want to be a single mum or alone ( even though i was very lonely) and i went back. My husband realised he would end up killing me and left a week later.

Its nearly 4 months now and i would have had him back, i started the freedom programme 6 weeks ago and something only started to shift in me 2 weeks ago.

He threatened me and assaulted me 2 days ago as i stood up to him when he pushed me down for sex and this man has been living apart for me for nearly 4 months now. I had let him in to discuss access arrangements.

You can do it op, its hard at first but im getting stronger and you will too.

Its not as easy as ltb and you need to do it in your own time but read about breaking trauma bonds and go to another freedom programme and slowly but surely you will begin to see light at the end of the tunnel.

Single mums are great i was raised by one and i was one for 6 years until i got married 10 years ago. It fear of the unknown op but you can do it and you will surprise yourself at what you are capable of and how easy it is without someone unpleasant making restrictions on your life and on your personality, affecting you negatively.

raspberrysuicide · 13/04/2017 11:01

My life is much better now I'm single. I had to do everything anyway. All the drop offs, pick ups, school stuff...
He never came with us anywhere, I'd have to take my 2 dcs out for the day on my own all the time and have to watch all the other couples and families and feel like a single parent anyway.
I'm much better off financially and I get most weekends to myself now something I never did before.
Xxx

BitchQueen90 · 13/04/2017 11:19

Why does it always seem to be the woman bending over backwards to save a marriage while the man continues to behave like a sack of shit?

Fuck that. I was in an unhappy marriage, not an abusive one but unhappy. ExH did not make any effort to try and improve it, I tried so hard. So I left. And I'm a million times happier.

Sure, I'm not as well off financially as I was in the marriage but we get by fine. Your DH will still have to pay you maintenance. I had to go on benefits for a while but it was a small price to pay for my sanity. I work PT now and have a lovely work/life balance. You say about the loneliness but it sounds like he doesn't spend much time with you as it is? And honestly, it's far worse being in a lonely marriage than it is being single.

Taking the first step can be hard but it is worth it. It was for me.

JacquesHammer · 13/04/2017 11:21

The loneliness, the financial restrictions, the limitations. I'm terrified of that for me and terrified for my kids

You know what? My marriage wasn't awful. We were just rubbing along together as housemates not a couple and we both wanted more.

I am not lonely. I am financially better off. I don't feel any limitations. My daughter and I are happy as larry

Don't be scared of what might be. By all means take a look at your marriage but don't rule out single parentdom as an option

Flip

1 2