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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU not to return to work..

36 replies

Hana101 · 26/03/2017 20:40

After mat leave. Bit of a backstory DC1 was born when I was v. Young (17) returned to work when DC was 10 weeks old MUm kindly agreed to look after him while I worked. Drifted around jobs/ educational institutes until I found my dream job. 5 years later DC2 was born this time I took a year off work and when I returned MUm looked after both, DC3 was born 7 months ago and plan was for me to return to work and Mum look after all 3 however circumstances have changed and she can no longer look after them so have looked at nursery places for DC2 and 3 prices are astronomical!!! most months I will bring No money home and some months I will pay out more then I have earned. I absolutely love my job but just can't justify those expenses as it would cripple us. DH works however I was bringing in the bigger wage, aibu to not gol back?

OP posts:

HopefulHamster · 26/03/2017 20:43

How old is DC2? You would get 30 hours free childcare the term after they are 3 soon. (38 weeks a year)

You have been very lucky so far, many of us don't have parents around so have children based on how many we can afford in nursery at any time! That doesn't change it being a shock now of course.

If the pain is short term (ie DC2 is 3 soon), I would keep working, especially if you are the higher wage earner. Would DH stay at home?

ChasedByBees · 26/03/2017 20:44

If it's your dream job, I'd look at ways to go back. If there's a career path, then it's not just your salary now, but as you get experience, your salary rises. If you try and re enter later, you may not be able to enter at the same job and if you do, you'll have lost several years of potential pay increases. That would be worth suffering the hit of childcare costs now.

If it's just a job you're not so fussed about then I would say YANBU but a dream job I'd recommend you make the effort for.

Childminders can be cheaper than nurseries.

Graceflorrick · 26/03/2017 20:47

You're in a very difficult position OP, it may be that you're unable to stay in employment. Gicjng up a job you love is never easy, good luck OP

RandomMess · 26/03/2017 20:48

If you are the higher earner I think you are taking a huge risk not going back at all.

Can you both work part time and use childcare for 2 or 3 days per week instead?

What if he loses his job, what if you can't go back at the same level. I would definitely go back part time just to keep the door open at the very least.

trilbydoll · 26/03/2017 20:49

Assuming you would have to go back to work in 2/3/4 years anyway, I'm not sure it's a good idea to give up your dream job you love. That's not easily replaceable!

How flexible are both jobs? Can you juggle some long days / short days to try and cover some of the childcare, ie you both do four long days, both have a day with the kids, only pay three days childcare but have full time money coming in?

honeylulu · 26/03/2017 20:51

If you are higher earner makes sense for H to stay home!

MangoSplit · 26/03/2017 20:51

It's your dream job and you're the higher earner so maybe it makes sense for DH to be a SAHD?

honeylulu · 26/03/2017 20:52

Or at least for H to be part time. It's what women are expected to do if they earn less.

AgentProvocateur · 26/03/2017 21:05

If it's your dream job and you're the higher earner, can your partner go part time or be a SAHP? Don't give up your job. It would be madness.

witsender · 26/03/2017 21:08

Could he not stop work or drop hours?

amberdillyduck · 26/03/2017 21:11

Childcare costs are a joint expense. Don't just look at it as your wages- look at his as well. Could he go part-time and look after the children?

Capricorn76 · 26/03/2017 21:17

Your mum is a saint. If I was her I'd help look after the first baby because I'd want my 17 year old DD to have the opportunity to complete her education and get a job. At baby number 2 I'd probably feel pressured to help because I was already looking after DC1. If my DD then announced DC3 I'd be worried she was planning her family around my availability and be wondering whether it would be the last. She must be knackered especially as she's raised you and any siblings you may have too.

You've had an incredibly lucky run.

bunnylove99 · 26/03/2017 21:19

Hi OP. Please don't give up your job, especially if it's a good job you enjoy. I gave up mine for a couple of years to be a SAHM. Things in my sector changed quite a bit and now, 5 years after returning to work I am still way behind career wise on a lower grade and income. Have you looked into seeing if you are entitled to any help with chilscare costs?

redexpat · 26/03/2017 21:19

Dont forget that if you go back to work youll be contributing to your pension.

EnormousTiger · 26/03/2017 21:55

It is the husband here that is the only one who should consider giving up work surely! He is the lower earner. I hope it's not a sexist marriage.

drspouse · 26/03/2017 21:59

Agree that your DH should go part time or stay at home for a bit, or if you both did you'd save a lot on childcare.
Nannies can also be cheaper than nursery for two.

Original poster

Hana101 · 26/03/2017 22:03

Capricorn79
My mum is truly an angel and I am forever grateful for the opportunity she has given me by looking after DC. She is very young (44) and therefore has had the energy to look after them, it is just over the last year as a family we have suffered several losses which have hit her very hard and therefore she feels she would be unsuitable to carry on caring for them.
Side note: she has raised 6 of her own!
I know I am extremely fortunate to have had all the help,

OP posts:

SmilingButClueless · 26/03/2017 22:06

If you are the higher earner, could your DP give up work instead / cut down their hours? Have you included any tax credits in your calculations? Childcare vouchers through your or DP's work?

Original poster

Hana101 · 26/03/2017 22:07

Thank you all for your replay.
DH would never be a SAHP (10 years and 3 kids later he is yet to change a nappy, but that's a whole other thread!!)

DH will need to take on a second job if I do not return to work as we would not survive on one wage.

My biggest worry is if I am paying out all my wages to childcare how will we manage to pay bills??

OP posts:

RandomMess · 26/03/2017 22:08

Would you not be entitled to Tax Credit help with childcare?

Could you go self-employed or do any night shift work?

MeadowHay · 26/03/2017 22:11

Hana No way would I put up with a DH who refused to change his own child's nappy and I wouldn't be continuing to have children with someone who won't even change his baby's nappy!! I think there are bigger issues here tbh.

Chilver · 26/03/2017 22:14

If he has not changed a nappy, it is about time he did!!

If you are the higher wage earner, it makes sense for your family for him to go part time. Do not give up your dream job and the higher wage just for him to continue not to really be a dad in a practical sense. You would only resent him for it further down the line when your career has stalled.

honeylulu · 26/03/2017 22:23

DH would never be a SAHP (10 years and 3 kids later he is yet to change a nappy, but that's a whole other thread!!)

This ^ is not for another thread. This is the fucking problem!!! Not your lovely mum.
^

Xmasbaby11 · 26/03/2017 22:27

Don't give up a job you love. The childcare must seem expensive now but You've saved a fortune on it over the years. A childminder is cheaper and costs will fall when they turn 3 or start school.

Imaginingdragonsagain · 26/03/2017 22:29

Could you work part time and dh get a second job?

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