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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU not to return to work..

36 replies

Hana101 · 26/03/2017 20:40

After mat leave. Bit of a backstory DC1 was born when I was v. Young (17) returned to work when DC was 10 weeks old MUm kindly agreed to look after him while I worked. Drifted around jobs/ educational institutes until I found my dream job. 5 years later DC2 was born this time I took a year off work and when I returned MUm looked after both, DC3 was born 7 months ago and plan was for me to return to work and Mum look after all 3 however circumstances have changed and she can no longer look after them so have looked at nursery places for DC2 and 3 prices are astronomical!!! most months I will bring No money home and some months I will pay out more then I have earned. I absolutely love my job but just can't justify those expenses as it would cripple us. DH works however I was bringing in the bigger wage, aibu to not gol back?

OP posts:

HopefulHamster · 26/03/2017 22:34

If giving up work meant DH taking up a second job, it would be absolutely nuts to do so! Surely it would be best to go back with the expectations that finances will get easier as the kids age up. How old is DC2?

Surely he would prefer being stay at home to having two jobs if it came to it?

Childcare comes out of both wages.
You are paying to stay in a career.
Children are cheaper as they get older, but getting into work after a break is hard.
Look around for more options, childminders etc.

ChasedByBees · 27/03/2017 10:28

DH would never be a SAHP (10 years and 3 kids later he is yet to change a nappy, but that's a whole other thread!!)

That's appalling.

EnormousTiger · 27/03/2017 10:53

We now know the real issue here higher earner wife is married to sexist husband. Childcare costs are high so the only sensible financial hoption is the husband stays at home or they both pay childcare to preserve careers. The underlying issue is sexist man, not that he is a lower earner but that he does not even change nappies.

I wonder how that occurs? I would not have tolerated it even for a day.

ElisavetaFartsonira · 27/03/2017 11:02

Why on earth have you not only tolerated your DP refusing to change a single nappy but carried on having children with him?

Honestly OP, normally the answer to your question would be that, as you're the higher earner and DC2 can't be far off free hours age, it would make more sense for you to stay in work in some capacity. And that your DP should be looking to see if he can reduce hours as well (not necessarily be a SAHP entirely). But if he's not going to be willing to do anything like that, and he'd have to break his nappy duck even if he just drops a day or two, then I don't know what the solution is. Your family and career paying for him to be too good to change his own kids arses, I suppose.

Allthebestnamesareused · 27/03/2017 11:08

Good grief if I was married to a man like that no way I'd give up work at all because what happens at some time in the future if the relationship breaks down!

Stand up to him. Have a proper discussion about how life is in the real world. Show him on paper the various options.

I work - income - outgoings = £x
you work - income - outgoings = £x-y
we both work but adjust hours = £x-y+z

He can't just dictate what happens. It needs to be a joint decision and work not only financially but career wise for the both of you.

VikingLady · 27/03/2017 11:14

Leaving aside the sexism aspect...

A nanny might well be cheaper than nursery. If they are ofsted registered you can use the same funding you would for nursery (the 15 or 30 hours, tax credits etc).

Original poster

Hana101 · 27/03/2017 12:36

Thank You for your replays.

The post has really made me think as my only concern was finance wise and I did not consider my career.

My job skills are fairly transferable to many industries so I don't think it would be too difficult for me to get a job later on. The position is fairly entry/ middle level but still pays well and 5 years experience counts for a lot..

The issue of DH yes he be a pr!ck with the nappy changing issue but we've dealt with those issues and worked through them, generally with the housework/ cooking it's more of a even split...

I have lots to think about!!

OP posts:

ElisavetaFartsonira · 27/03/2017 12:51

If his refusal to change nappies is preventing your family from pursuing the work/childcare balance that would be financially optimal for you, tbh I'm not sure you've pursued them enough.

It's one thing for you two to decide against him being a SAHP, or even reducing his hours. There are lots of legit reasons why you might decide that doesn't work for you. It's quite another for it not even to be on the table at all because he won't clean his children's shitty arses.

MangoSplit · 27/03/2017 13:05

When you're considering the finance aspect, don't forget any "hidden" benefits of working, eg pension contributions, that you might be missing out on.

NotCitrus · 27/03/2017 13:26

If you don't return to work for at least 3 months, you may have to repay any maternity pay you received above SMP.

Check if the nurseries do a sibling discount, often 10% off the cheaper child. If you're spending all your money on childcare you're no worse off than earning nothing, and it can't be more than a few months, until dc2 is 3 and gets some free hours. It'll often be cheaper for dc3 once they are 1 and then 2, as well, and then soon dc2 will be in school.

Can at least one of you work part-time - that helps a lot.

MangoSplit · 27/03/2017 13:32

Also did you know that, from this September, 3 year olds will be entitled to 30 hours free childcare (currently 15) if both parents are working but not if one of you is a SAHP?

www.childcarechoices.gov.uk/

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