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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have gone to the school about this

67 replies

notmywords · 22/03/2017 11:19

I've shopped my own son.

I periodically check his messages and there were some horrible ones in group chat, some from others. It was. It language I would expect him to know, let alone use.

I spoke to him at length about it. He says the worst of the messages weren't him, but a friend who was round to play.

He also said the the others were because I felt like he had to join in.

I am mortified. I took all of the messages to the school, told them the action we have taken and asked them to speak to the whole group about appropriate online behaviour. He has had his iPad confiscated.

I still feel terrible. On the one hand I feel awful that my son would do such a thing, and what that says about me as a parent.

On the other I worry that I've voluntarily raised issues about him which might stay on his record.

Can you hold my hand please?

OP posts:

luckylucky24 · 22/03/2017 11:21

You did the right thing. How old is your son?

Babymamamama · 22/03/2017 11:22

This is more common than you think. Nobody can blame you for being a vigilant parent. Hopefully this nips this in the bud. Trust your instinct i think you did the right thing.

Trifleorbust · 22/03/2017 11:22

That was brave.

JonesyAndTheSalad · 22/03/2017 11:22

How old is he? What messages? Was he bullying someone?

Stormwhale · 22/03/2017 11:25

If these messages were aimed at or another another child, then you have absolutely done the right thing. If I found out that my child was bullying another I would be absolutely furious. I think you have handled it really well actually.

Stormwhale · 22/03/2017 11:25

*about another child.

Original poster

notmywords · 22/03/2017 11:25

He's 11 (year 6).

It was a big group chat and I would probably say it was 'trash talk' rather than malicious bullying. But shocking none the less.

I worry I'm being naive but I genuinely don't think he meant it to be mean. He says that everyone talks like that to each other! He has been told in no uncertain terms that they do not.

OP posts:

MusicToMyEars800 · 22/03/2017 11:29

I think you did the right thing, I would've done the same, these things can escalate so hopefully the school and other parents can nip it in the bud, your son was probably influenced by his friends, it happened and you are not bad parent because of this! you have shown him that his behaviour was wrong and he has to face the consequences of it. < hold out hand to OP >

youngestisapsycho · 22/03/2017 11:31

Its good you went to the school. My DDs school is having an e-safety session today that parents can go to. They also do lots of talks about cyber bullying. A girl last year was being bullied online by her classmates.

ThouShallNotPass · 22/03/2017 11:31

Good for you. It's nice to see a parent actually disciplining their child and monitoring their online activities these days. Judging by what my DD(10)'s friend's get up to and the awful things they post online and in private chats, I don't think there is ANY monitoring at all on their parent's end.
My daughter's messages all come through my phone. Anything even skirting on rude, abusive or bullying means removal of phone, iPad etc and grounding.
If it was something bad then yep, I too would go into the school. Ours is happy to assist parents in resolving behaviour matters, after all, they want us to be involved and to back up dealing with our children's behaviour when they're in school.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 22/03/2017 11:42

You're a good mum. You absolutely did the right thing, and. It can't have been easy.

Allthewaves · 22/03/2017 11:49

No def the right thing to do. Perhaps school will do a bit of education on online behaviour

Floggingmolly · 22/03/2017 11:57

Good for you.

BonnyScotland · 22/03/2017 11:59

why did you take it to the school ? did it happen during school hours ? on devices within school grounds ?

JonesyAndTheSalad · 22/03/2017 12:02

Bonny it doesn't matter if it did or not. Schools have some responsibility for children no matter what you think. They spend HOURS there every week...their development is important to the school.

EdmundCleverClogs · 22/03/2017 12:02

You absolutely did the right thing. They are at the age where they are starting to push each other, they discover new ways to tease and it can often get out of hand. Especially since these things can often spill over into secondary school.

At least your son now knows you will not put up with this behaviour for the next few years, can only hope it will shock him into thinking before he acts/joins in next time.

xStefx · 22/03/2017 12:02

OH OP, good for you. At 11 he is so impressionable and you have a duty to show him what is and whats not acceptable and that there will be reprocuissions for bad behaviour.

Don't feel bad OP, Its nice to see a parent getting it right .
You are prob right it was lads trash talk but he still needed to know that its not OK. Well don't OP x

icanteven · 22/03/2017 12:03

why did you take it to the school ? did it happen during school hours ? on devices within school grounds ?

Because this is a perfect opportunity for the school to vigorously address online behaviour and the spectrum of bullying and abusive behaviour that goes on.

BonnyScotland · 22/03/2017 12:03

it's not the Schools responsibility to parent your child at home on a device you bought him.

5moreminutes · 22/03/2017 12:03

Bonny schools do deal with things like this. It used to be MSN messenger when schools first got involved in cracking down on cyber bullying, now of course it is WhatsAp and social media too. Ifall the children involved are at the school then it is something the school will be willing to be somewhat involved in usually. It is the most appropriate place to get all the children involved (and their classmates) together and educate them about cyber bullying, though actually punishing for an offence not on school grounds may not be appropriate.

BonnyScotland · 22/03/2017 12:07

The school educate Children frequently about he demons of online bullying grooming etc.... it's not there to excuse the responsibility of Parenting....

Social Services may also come knocking ..... to complete the lesson for today..

EdmundCleverClogs · 22/03/2017 12:07

BonnyScotland, it's not about parenting a child. Obviously all these children attend the same school, and teachers need to be aware of an issues that may be affecting the children (including bullying outside the school). In fact, since it's far easier for children to bully each other outside of school these days, I think it's imperative that parents and schools work even closer together to avoid these situations. School isn't only for education, it's also about learning social skills and respect.

ohforfoxsake · 22/03/2017 12:09

I would do exactly the same.

It doesn't feel good, but it is the right thing to do.

ohforfoxsake · 22/03/2017 12:11

When the school is the common denominator you have to take it to them. Ideally you'd speak to the other parents, but if you don't know them the only path is via the school.

How else would you do it?

MissGoggins · 22/03/2017 12:11

In situations like this I always ask this - what was the alternative?

Then you can see that you have done the right thing.

I shopped my dc for stealing. What was the alternative? That I cover for her... well, of course I did the right thing.

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