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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is potential boyfriend not child friendly?

45 replies

6079SmithW · 19/03/2017 00:13

I'm a single mum with two dc under 7 yo. I have been online dating (that's a whole other thread!). Last night I had my third date with a man I was interested in.
Up until now he has seemed kind, considerate and family oriented. He has two dd of his own (now in their twenties) and has also more recently been married to a woman with two dc who lived with them.
Last night we were going in to more detail about why his recent marriage broke down. As part of this we were talking about his step daughter who had lived with him from the age of 18 months (she is now 17). I was concerned to hear that he really doesn't miss her or care that he won't see her again. I'm really worried, given he hasn't built a relationship with a child he has raised, about how he would be with my dc if we ever got to that stage. AIBU?

OP posts:
user1469751309 · 19/03/2017 00:16

Not at all I would see this as a massive red flag and drop him. What sort of man lives with a child watches them grow up and then says he feels nothing 17yrs down the line. Get out now if I was you Op you and your kids deserve someone with a heart not made out of stone

caroldecker · 19/03/2017 00:17

How old is he?

MommaGee · 19/03/2017 00:17

No and I think I'd be querying that. Does he really nor miss her or add he trying to block his feelings? How come he doesn't see her? I'd be concerned

BeachyKeen · 19/03/2017 00:23

All the red flags

Butterymuffin · 19/03/2017 00:24

That's not a good sign. What did he gave to say about his relationship with his own children? Not condoning the lack of feeling towards his stepdaughter but as further info.

user1489189598 · 19/03/2017 00:27

so you're interested in a man who had 2 DCs and dropped them, aquired two more and has also dropped them.

and you have 2 DC.

What is about them or him that makes you think this will be different?

(go on.... tell us that he said it's all the womans' fault!)

fallenempires · 19/03/2017 00:37

A whole bunting! How long has he been divorced for and why does he feel this way about his SD having been involved in her life since she was a toddler?

Kalicat · 19/03/2017 00:45

Nothing in the OP to suggest he dropped his two bio kids user1489189598, just that he presumably split from their mother. In regards to the step DD, yeah very weird and massive red flag.

haveacupoftea · 19/03/2017 00:51

Extremely weird, its like he's seeking out women with young kids then ditching them as soon as the children are grown up Confused

ExplodedCloud · 19/03/2017 00:52

I think that anything that makes you Hmm enough to need MN opinion after 2 dates is a big fat no.

NoCapes · 19/03/2017 00:54

No
Massive red flags a waving
How can you care for a child for 16 years then just never see them again and not even care?!
Sounds like a twat
Run away OP

Darlink · 19/03/2017 00:57

I disagree.
It's perfect;y possibly he didn't particularly like his step kids. There would be no reason to continue the relationship after the split.
We don't know enough it info.
Maybe the split was nasty and the step kids took sides?

How is that a red flag ?

kateandme · 19/03/2017 01:07

if u want this to go on.you need to be honest straight away with this type of thing its already lying to eactoher if not.good luck.

Original poster
6079SmithW · 19/03/2017 01:19

CaroleDecker He is 44.

Momma Gee The split from her mum is really acrimonious so that's why he doesn't see her. He really doesn't seem bothered. I asked him several times and in different ways.

Buttery Muffin Again the split with his own dc mum wasn't on good terms. He says he had to go through the courts to see his dd so there was a short period where he had no contact. He still sees them both regularly now though so I guess that must be close?

User1489189598 He didn't drop his own dc but he definitely seems to have not built a relationship with his dsc. I don't think he will be different with me/my dc but I posted because I wanted to be reassured that I wasn't overreacting.

Fallen Empires He has been separated for a year now. When I asked him about his dsd he said that she had grown up taking sides with her dbro (his dss who he didn't get on with) over him, so they didn't really get on.

OP posts:
Original poster
6079SmithW · 19/03/2017 01:25

Typing out the responses to your questions makes me realise how bad it all sounds. It's obvious that there is an issue with him somewhere isn't it?
I want to be with someone who will take an interest in, care for and genuinely like, if not love my dc. I can't be with someone who will only tolerate them while we are together.

OP posts:
Ginkypig · 19/03/2017 01:36

All I can say is

I am a stepchild with a stepfather who loves me as his own (even though my dad was involved too) he makes no distinction between me and the children he biologically fathered, as far as he and I am concerned I am his eldest child!

Had he been like your bf I'd be devestated.

I'm also a stepparent. Those children (adults now) are my whole world I love them completely.

HelenaGWells · 19/03/2017 01:43

It would be a deal breaker for me. Why take that risk when you don't have to? Onwards and upwards OP.

kmc1111 · 19/03/2017 01:55

Lots of people never really get to form a real relationship with step kids. Many kids very early on basically pledge allegiance to their 'real mum or dad' or to their siblings who hate the new step-parent, and never let the step-parent be anything resembling a parent to them. Sometimes that stance softens over time, but sometimes it just becomes entrenched in every behaviour and interaction, even after the kids realise they've been deeply unpleasant all those years for no reason.

There's also plenty of people who prefer to act like a single parent when it comes to the actual parenting, and never, ever let their partner act like a parent to their kids. My mum was like this, and hence my step-father was barely more than a lodger in our home. Perfectly nice guy (you'd have to be to tolerate my mum) but despite living with him for a decade I never had much to do with him, so there's no bond there.

It's a shame, but if they've never been close I'd imagine this guy made his peace with that quite a while ago, and it would be weird to try and force a relationship now if there wasn't much of one when he was still with her mother.

AlmostAJillSandwich · 19/03/2017 02:01

They didn't get on though, so it's completely different to him having a good relationship with a step child then suddenly not caring once he split with their parent.

I'd see the way his is with his own DD and see clearly his is a loving parent, if there's no dislike between him and your Dc it is unlikely he is just "tolerating"them.

BearFoxBear · 19/03/2017 02:07

You wouldn't be asking if you didn't already know the answer - red flags everywhere, you have every right and reason to walk away.

BertieBotts · 19/03/2017 02:18

kmc I don't think that follows though when the DC is 18 months old when the stepparent moves in. I can certainly see an older child with a relationship with their other parent not wanting to replace them, but to live with a child throughout all of their childhood and not even have an uncle type relationship after breaking up? That is weird.

Anyway, if it's not "fuck yes", it's a no.

TheStoic · 19/03/2017 02:22

Well, you've been warned. If you do go ahead, this is very likely to happen to your kids too.

CrazyCavalierLady · 19/03/2017 02:29

Personally I wouldn't get involved however it's worth noting that many biological parents (and adult children for that matter) only maintain relationships with their family because they are family. There's no rule that says we have to like everyone and some personalities just don't gel, even in families. Plenty of people love their adult children but don't necessarily like them so spending time with them wouldn't be a priority.

lottieandmia · 19/03/2017 02:55

Even if he didn't get on with his dsd it's really worrying that he would admit to you that he's basically not interested in her.

SharkBastard · 19/03/2017 03:17

Big red flag! How can anyone who has spent so many years with a child just drop it all? He was there for her from 18 months to 17 years and doesn't care?

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