Is potential boyfriend not child friendly?

[6079SmithW]

I'm a single mum with two dc under 7 yo. I have been online dating (that's a whole other thread!). Last night I had my third date with a man I was interested in.
Up until now he has seemed kind, considerate and family oriented. He has two dd of his own (now in their twenties) and has also more recently been married to a woman with two dc who lived with them.
Last night we were going in to more detail about why his recent marriage broke down. As part of this we were talking about his step daughter who had lived with him from the age of 18 months (she is now 17). I was concerned to hear that he really doesn't miss her or care that he won't see her again. I'm really worried, given he hasn't built a relationship with a child he has raised, about how he would be with my dc if we ever got to that stage. AIBU?

Ex and I split ten years ago.

When DD, his DSD, needed a blood test at her uni this week and didnt want to go on her own Ex went over to be with her. We share these "duties" between us. He then took her shopping and bought her a whole load of food. He has always treated her exactly the same as he treats the 3 we have together.

Yes, it is a red flag. Scarlet in fact.

I don't think "they didn't really get on" is appropriate here. If the DSD had been much older when he got together with her mum then that might be fair enough if she'd decided not to give him a chance and was hostile to him.

But he's been her step dad since she was 18 months! You don't "not really get on" with a toddler step child - as the adult you make it work. She's grown up only ever remembering him being there.

How can you not bond with a child you've parented since they were 18 months? Unless you never really parent them, never see them as your responsibility or that it's your job to love them (I mean love as an action, something you do). If they've "never really got on" I can't help suspecting the responsibility for that is squarely his, not the child's.

Yes, massive red flag IMO.

Tbh I think you're worrying about the wrong thing- surely the real question is if he wants to do this all again- i.e. long term if this relationship worked out and you lived together does he want to rewind his life 10/15 years and be a parent to young DC again?

Re the dsd, after 3 dates you may not be hearing the whole story- even if he's really sad about it, he's possibly not going to spill his guts. Plus, hard to know the dynamics of the relationship with the ex. He sees both hs bio DC despite splitting with the resident parent when they were really young, so that's a positive I'd say.

It sounds like you want a potential life partner and I don't think he is it. Having had two failed LTRs where young children were involved who are all now virtually grown up, I'd be amazed if he wanted to go through playing a part in bringing up young children again, or even wanting to spend much time around young kids.

In an ideal world he'd swerve single mums in the first place but at 44 I guess finding anyone without children at all is pretty hard. He might just be the sort who has no real intention of worrying about the long term issues of dating someone with kids and is just out for a bit of fun at the moment. The trouble is, if you are looking for something serious then you can waste a lot of time on people like him.

And ignoring all the signs that it's a poor fit for your family and trying to make it work because you really like him would be extremely unfair and damaging for your children.

Either ditch him now and look elsewhere or accept that you can enjoy his company as a boyfriend when the kids aren't around but he is never going to be good stepfather material so don't bother even thinking along those lines.

I'd be AT LEAST as worried that he's had TWO acrimonious divorces, and in particular that the children, IN BOTH CASES, were immediately whipped away from him by their mothers...

Maybe he does miss her, but that would be even harder to explain, wouldn't it?

The children completely disappeared from his life after the breakups. Possibly because he's cold and distant, etc, etc, as you've wondered, but the only other possibility is even worse- that he's an absolute asshole and they/their mothers don't want him around in the slightest!

It's possible a wife could be spiteful and that could happen once, but twice? No way. Run! You don't need to figure out the specifics to know it stinks!

If you like him, I'd ask. You're thinking of walking away anyway. So you've got nothing to loose by asking.

I'd also be concerned about the two acrimonious divorces.

I had a step dad from age 7 to age about 17. When he and my mum split up I never saw him again. Really shocked that he had absolutely no interest in maintaining a relationship with me at all, which would have been perfectly possible with no involvement at all from my mum.

Mind you, he was a bully who made my childhood a misery, so I don't feel so sad about it, but that a 'parent' could clearly not give a shit, and the kid has absolutely no say or power in this situation (usually) .

But, he is still in contact with his other 2 dc, so not all negative.

But 2 acrimonious splits - not great.

Either dump or proceed with caution, and don't rush to bring dc into the picture

Lots of children side with their mum and never see their real father again. Was it half of divorced parents loose contact within two years?
My neices and nephew have done just that. It's all their doing, mum and dad are OK about the split, but the grown up children refuse to see their father.
He's hardly going to go into detail about how hurt he might be, I imagine he'll say oh I'm fine about it.

I'd be wary OP. It's early days but still that's a worry. I dated a man with children and he once said that seeing them was a sense of duty rather than actually wanting to see them!! Horrible.

I've sent him a message asking about the dsc again. I'll see what he comes back with, but I think I already know how he's going to respond. If he is still the same, I'm not going to see him again.

I've had this reply "i understand your question, but there was so much animosity between me, the kids & her family, i dont want anything to do with any of them, difficult to explain in a message, but to be honest it was a relief when we split..."
What do you think?

I think it's odd to be questioning him about this on date three. You really don't know much about the situation or him and it seems like you want an answer about a hugely complex situation without much information.

Sometimes splitting up causes even fairly nice family relationships to deteriorate. I know lots of people who have cut off contact, some permanently, some drifted away, with even biological parents if they felt very loyal to one parent or the other parent cheated. My mum had a relationship with a man for a while - although I was an adult and it's not the same as being brought up with him, he did have a lot to do with my daughter as a baby. I wouldn't have dreamed of siding with him and facilitating a longterm relationship between them when my mum finally broke up with him, it wouldn't have been appropriate at all.

I think to this man's credit is that he's being honest, he's not saying what you want to hear, he's saying the truth- it was all so acrimonious there was no way for him to keep that relationship going, nor would they want him to. If he essentially left the mum, then the dd is going to feel aggrieved and very distressed and as a teenager may never want to speak to him again, you feel you are being left, not just the parent.

You want an answer, you have it, I don't think this really tells you that much except break ups and step families are incredibly complex and stressful, I understand your reluctance to create a new one with this man.

I wouldn't discuss it by text. That needs to be face to face to get a proper response and also read his body language etc.

Sadly there is a theme here and it's covered with red flags..... sorry OP

I am lucky that the current mrchanceofrain has raised DS1 as his own since the lad was 3 years old. They adore each other and have a real dad and lad relationship. I can't imagine him just walking away and having no feelings for DS1, if I ever decide to trade him in for a younger model.

We went through a rocky patch early on in our relationship and seeing the love grow between the two of them was one of the things that made me want to stay with him.

If someone could live with a child from the age of 18 months, have a caring role and not build a relationship with them I think it's a red flag. Sorry!

my 'stepdad' lived in the same house as me from when I was 4 until i was 21. He was cold, uninterested and made it very clear he didnt give a shit about me. He wasn't much nicer to my sister who is his child. when he and my mother divorced he left never to contact her (my sister) again.
Run away. Now.

I had a stepdad from age 8-22 and I've never seen him since and don't want too. On the other hand my partner has a step son from age 2 - 16 and they see each other all the time. His ss calls him dad and they are totally father and son. He has 5 other biological children and doesn't make any difference between them.

I think some people really don't feel much of a tie to children that aren't related through blood, even if they have effectively raised them. I'd see this a red flag, TBH.

They didn't get on though, so it's completely different to him having a good relationship with a step child then suddenly not caring once he split with their parent

The point is that if you've raised them from a baby, it shouldn't make any difference if they didn't get on. But also the fact that they didn't get on was because he was not a good step parent and didn't care about them.