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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Weddings, RSVPs and no-shows

36 replies

MarcelineQueen · 12/03/2017 20:33

We're getting married next month and have 80 people confirmed for the day do, and another 50 invited for the evening.

All day guests have RSVP'd but only 3 of the evening guests have. Is this a thing? I've got no problem with people not coming might actually prefer it but would like to know roughly how many are likely to turn up so I can make sure there is enough food.

Happy to contact people and ask directly, but just wondered what others experiences were. Can I just safely assume half will turn up and cater accordingly?

OP posts:
Original poster
MarcelineQueen · 12/03/2017 20:34

Or to rephrase...AIBU to assume roughly 50% will turn up?

OP posts:
hibbledobble · 12/03/2017 20:36

Don't ever make assumptions.

I would contact those who haven't rsvped and ask them, as you need to know numbers for the venue. Is it possible they didn't receive the invites? (Lost in the post? )

PeridotPeridot · 12/03/2017 20:45

I would chase for rsvps rather than assume.

We had two no shows from the actual day guests Shock . A fairly close friend of Dh and her husband. He spoke to her the week before, all was well, she couldn't wait etc.

They didn't turn up. When Dh realised he spent about half an hour calling/texting her and her dd who he knew vaguely because it was so out of character he thought something awful had happened or they'd had a terrible accident on the way there or something. We found out a few days later that she was alive and well and no catastrophes had happened. Despite him trying to contact her in the weeks afterwards, she never replied. He never heared from her since (now 3 years ago) Shock

AmeliaLeopard · 12/03/2017 20:50

Contact the evening guests but give them a deadline. "We have realised that you haven't replied to our wedding invitation. We hope you can make it, please let us know by xx so we can confirm numbers with the caterers"

Original poster
MarcelineQueen · 12/03/2017 20:51

Shock Peridot that's so rude!

This may be karma for me no-showing as a day guest a few months ago. In my defence I was unexpectedly ill, upped the cash in the card and DP went anyway and apologised on my behalf. But yes, I did feel guilty and have apologised in person since!

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Lazyafternoon · 12/03/2017 20:58

Don't assume anything!

We had to chase a few people. I'd chase in a 'sorry to press you but the venue are chasing for confirmed numbers. Can you let us know by X day if you'll be able to make it so we can confirm with the venue.'

It might be a white lie, but you could end up with none or all of them if you don't chase!

sonyaya · 12/03/2017 21:00

Definitely contact them! Once to chase the RSVP, if no response, to say "if we haven't heard by x date we shall put you down as a no". Ambiguity is not your friend. You could end up spending loads on food for people who aren't coming, or worse, under cater and people go hungry. No one minds being asked for an RSVP.

Have a lovely day Smile

Original poster
MarcelineQueen · 12/03/2017 21:11

Thank you all, very helpful responses.

Not having enough food is my main concern. No one wants to be hungry at a wedding! The shame of it!

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mummabubs · 12/03/2017 21:18

Peridot I had something similar with a friend from my school days- was literally saying 48 hours before that she couldn't wait to see me and then she and her partner never showed. She messaged me 3 days afterwards with an excuse (which is exactly what she did for my sister's wedding the year before) and said she'd put our card/present in the post... which needless to say never arrived. Didn't care about that but thought it was so rude not to have just told us before!! That was 4 months ago and I've cut her from my life, she was unreliable long before our wedding but that was the final straw for me!

Hope you manage to get some more RSVPs OP! Xx

mummabubs · 12/03/2017 21:20

Also if it helps OP we were told to cater for 80% of evening guests, as day guests might still be full from wedding breakfast if you're having one and as you said some evening guests might not show xx

fizzingwhizbee · 12/03/2017 21:32

We catered for 75% of the expected numbers for the evening buffet.

More than half got left over...

Original poster
MarcelineQueen · 12/03/2017 21:39

Hmmmm...very interesting. Caterers have also told us to cater for 80% of expected.

fizzing did you put on a big buffet? We're planning a big buffet for day guests 4pm-6pm then "light bites" for the evening guests. In reality this is a bacon/sausage/vegan alternative butty, but I'm concerned it's not enough. Sure there's a middle ground between full on buffet and a bacon butty but not sure what that is yet

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Original poster
MarcelineQueen · 12/03/2017 21:41

Free bar though before anyone slates me for being stingy on evening guests! upped the amount following other AIBU wedding thread

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Original poster
MarcelineQueen · 12/03/2017 21:43

ShockFlowers mumma that is atrocious behaviour, how weird!

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TinselTwins · 12/03/2017 21:45

some people take an evening invite as a snub, so won't RSVP

In other groups, the evening do is very casual, and RSVPs are for day guests

follow up or you may never hear

SellFridges · 12/03/2017 21:49

Definitely follow up.

I think we had similar numbers to you. Invited about 50 in the evening, about 10 couldn't make it and let us know prior to the RSVP deadline and another 6 didn't turn up on the day, although all but one sent their apologies.

Wando1986 · 12/03/2017 21:51

One of my Bridesmaids was essentially a no show. She messaged the day before saying she had a cold and couldn't make it and her boyfriend would send the dress via courier (London to the North) for the next morning.

No bridesmaid. No dress for my friend who then kindly stepped up as bridesmaid. One emergency trip to Debenhams and an almost matching dress to the other 4 ladies.

Thank god the photographer was shite otherwise they would look even worse than they did Hmm

Spoke to her twice in the 4yrs since. She was a horror, looking back.

We had about 6 no-shows for the whole thing (afternoon/evening wedding) and they weren't really people we cared about anyway and were polite invites to work colleagues and my husband's bosses.

TheTurnOfTheScrew · 12/03/2017 21:58

I was surprised to find that lots of people see an evening invitation as a pretty flexible commitment.

A colleague at work kindly invited the whole office (about 20 people) to her evening do. I was surprised when four or five people flaked out at the last minute with really very thin excuses. Definitely chase and advise people that if they can't commit then they'll go down as a no.

fizzingwhizbee · 12/03/2017 21:59

Marceline we had a fairly substantial evening buffet as it was people's main meal for the evening.

Quiche, mini burgers, wedges, samosas, salad, several veggie options. We also had the cake cut up and brought out at the same time.

Soooo much got left over though. Which was a real shame.

fizzingwhizbee · 12/03/2017 21:59

Wando that's outrageous!!!

I don't think I would have talked to her afterwards either.

DisneyMillie · 12/03/2017 22:09

I had the opposite problem first time round - one of our evening guests turned up to the day. He'd obviously not read the invite correctly and to be far knew some of the day guests so had shown up with them. We spent the whole car ride from the church speaking to people so that the venue added a chair in, took down table plan etc so he didn't realise and wasn't embarrassed!

I think a lot of evening guests didn't rsvp but most turned up

Original poster
MarcelineQueen · 12/03/2017 22:23

Oh wow, the nerve of some people. Wando that is absolutely awful!! Fancy not being a bridesmaid because you had a cold!

Disney that was very nice of you to save their embarrassment. I once went to a wedding where it wasn't clear until the day that a group of us were invited to the church ceremony and evening do but not the wedding breakfast. We ended up in the pub for a few hours in between. I still think it was a rude way to do it. Either or is fine but don't try and scrimp by cutting out the expensive bit for a group of people.
We were the grooms friends from uni and he'd married into a very religious family who were paying for the lot and, I suspect, did not approve of the grooms friends Hmm

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Original poster
MarcelineQueen · 12/03/2017 22:24

fizzing thank you for the update, that's helpful to know as I am getting nervous about not putting on a full evening buffet, but calming down about it now. Getting the cake cut and brought out is a good idea, will do this

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IrnBruTortie · 12/03/2017 22:47

We had stovies for the evening buffet, was yum (in the N of Scotland though!). We were advised by friends to go for 50% of the expected numbers which we did, but I was fretting before hand in case it wouldn't be enough, but it was plenty :)

AtHomeDadGlos · 12/03/2017 23:00

A friend of mine and his partner (who my wife and I had met twice - DW didn't take to her) came to our wedding ceremony. Which was a surprise as he was invited to the whole thing and her to the evening do and we had sent them separate invites accordingly.

One of my ushers (his former housemate) explained the situation. Now, in any normal case they would either have:
a) left together outraged at her 'snub'
b) she leaves and comes back for the evening and he stays for the whole thing
c) both leave and both come back.

What i didn't expect was for them to ignore the situation, travel to the wedding breakfast venue and speak to the catering manager there to get her a seat on his table.

A row ensued and both eventually took option a from above. Needles to say, they no longer get a Christmas card. I was tempted to crash their wedding when they got hitched a few years later...