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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

People who cancel for no real reason.....

58 replies

Vagabond · 10/03/2017 15:38

Are people just flaky these days or do commitments not matter to anyone anymore?

I organised a bbq last weekend and made a huge effort with food and prep etc... Had 4 couples coming and 2 cancelled on the morning. 1 couple because they were hungover "we'd stink you out" and another for an undisclosed reason.

My thoughts on this are that people who don't host or organise things, seem happy to cancel.

I went to a party last Sat that was organised by a group FB invite thing. 35 people said they were going. On the day.... about 20 had cancelled. It's just shit.
Don't cancel. make an effort!

OP posts:
ThornyBird · 10/03/2017 15:43

I think you're being unreasonable. Well ish. The hungover couple are possibly flaky but then if they feel shit, they're not going to be good company. The undisclosed reason could be anything - from trivial (cba) to massive (illness ect).

I had to cancel a night out last week at short notice, gave a crap excuse because actually I didn't want the organiser to know that dh has not been paid and is unlikely to be paid so we have no spare money until such time as he does get paid... Might have seemed flaky to the organiser but I genuinely do not have £15+ for a night out.

HeyRoly · 10/03/2017 15:45

Are you in the U.K.? Bit chilly for BBQs!

But yeah, people are flaky. A social occasion sounds great in theory, but on the day they just can't be arsed.

Original poster
Vagabond · 10/03/2017 15:46

Yes, that's fair enough about the money. But if someone is hosting you, they have paid out money and spent time and effort getting food and drinks in. Nobody is asking you to pay to go to a party.

As for the hungover couple.... well, if you know you've been invited somewhere, don't write yourself off! I would go anyway and just make the effort. I just think it's flaky to cancel.

OP posts:
NapQueen · 10/03/2017 15:46

A frequent canceller with no real geniune need would be getting fewer invites from me.

SparkleTwinkleGoldGlitter · 10/03/2017 15:46

I think I am hungover is a pretty poor excuse, they made plans to get yet still got so drunk the night before they couldn't leave the house. These people are adults ffs!

But sometimes people do have valid reasons for cancelling sickness ( not hungover) or child sick, Lack of money, car broke down and so on. That's fine when they cancel as soon as they know not 10 minutes before due to meet

Original poster
Vagabond · 10/03/2017 15:47

He he, not in UK. :)
But I miss the pubs!

OP posts:
Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 · 10/03/2017 15:47

You should have advertised on mn for short notice bbqers to attend!! I have a bbq in November every year for ds x2 birthdays!! Lightweights some people!!

Mathena · 10/03/2017 15:48

YANBU. My birthday recently, I was supposed to be going out with three old friends. They're not the most reliable bunch actually. Form for cancelling. But on my birthday....... Shock one by one they fell like skittles. I do have other friends, so my mistake was agreeing to go out with them on my birthday. I will never arrange anything with that group now. Perhaps nothing will ever be arranged again.

sonyaya · 10/03/2017 15:50

YANBU. I hate flakey people. It's so rude.

Obviously sometimes real reasons come up, but more often than not that isn't the case.

GreatFuckability · 10/03/2017 15:52

People probably think i'm flaky. and i guess I am. but my reason is because my mental health is shit and the anxiety around going out socially often gets the better of me.

WhoDoDatLikeDat · 10/03/2017 15:53

I'm a miserable old bastard but I think it's the increase in social media personally.

I think things are too easy to organise (just send a message on FB) and that means some people don't organise proper things but instead an invite to a 'party' will just be a drink in a pub. So, that means that people don't see things as 'proper' like 'lets clear my diary and make sure I go' things but, rather, invitations are like 'come to this if you're free but no big deal if you don't'.

Not that that's you OP at all.

The other thing is that it's too easy to cancel nowadays with social media. If you were going to cancel in the past, you had to pick up the phone and have an awkward conversation but now people just send a message on FB and it's all very faceless so takes much less effort.

Sorry, massive rant

MixedUpConfusion · 10/03/2017 15:55

I have really bad anxiety and what seems like a great idea one day can leave me terrified at the actual time and I might cancel because I just can't actually bring myself to leave the house... it's nice and safe in here

Original poster
Vagabond · 10/03/2017 15:57

Mathena - that sucks! Sorry that happened to you. So hard not to feel resentful. Boo!

OP posts:
Original poster
Vagabond · 10/03/2017 16:00

I take a cancellation by phone less personally. If someone has the guts to call and cancel and give me a reason (it could be anxiety or anything - doesn't matter) than i think it's genuine.

It's the texts. Or the FB messages that rile me. No consideration for the effort the host has put in.

OP posts:
Mathena · 10/03/2017 16:05

Thanks Vagabond, I have a big birthday a few years away and this makes me too scared to plan a party. I would love a small party/get together but it left me feeling very UN charismatic.

Witchend · 10/03/2017 16:10

I think fb accepts are a bit like "likes" people go "oh yes that looks okay" and accept but without really the intention of sorting things out to go.

I tend to think that if someone cancels for a flimsy reason, unless they do it often, they may have another reason which is better but they don't want broadcast round. This may date though from when I was at school and a friend's dad died and she didn't want people to generally know and told people she was off with a bad cold, and people made comments.

EssentialHummus · 10/03/2017 16:13

I have one who reliably cancels every fucking time. She is trying to establish herself in an academic career and seems to have a zillion things on, but it still grates. Last week we agreed that I'd come visit her. Like a fool I bought an advance train ticket. The inevitable happened. I'm just slowly distancing myself now.

Sympathies, OP. It sucks.

Justwantcookies · 10/03/2017 16:14

You are right this is really inconsiderate. fair enough if theres a genuine reason but not because they are hung over or for no real reason! There have been odd times I admit that I have not felt like going out, maybe real tired or not feeling 100% but I go because I have committed. I always end up enjoying it too once there.

I'm the same with texts and calls. if someone calls and apologies I don't really mind, unless they had some lame excuse like, i'm just a bit tired! But by text its such a cop out and clearly means they just couldn't be bothered to get ready and come.

highinthesky · 10/03/2017 16:14

GreatFuckability I completely empathise! But then I often say that I'll see how it goes rather than committing. Friends know that I'm no great consumer of food and drink so it's not usually an issue.

As a host I would be v pissed off with last minute cancellations. Guests don't always appreciate the time and effort required to be a good host.

IamFriedSpam · 10/03/2017 16:14

YANBU. I'll reserve judgement on the non disclosed reason could be explosive diarrhoea or family tragedy but because you're too hungover is incredibly rude.

sweetheart · 10/03/2017 16:15

Yes this has been doing my nut in recently. So much so that I've started avoiding certain friends because I read something which said "Don't let people be a priority in your life when you are just an option to them" and that really resonated with me.

So now with a few people I've held back from contacting them to see how long it takes them to get in touch. It's quite sad to realise some just don't bother to get in touch and I was doing all the leg work in the friendship. I've been quite honest about it to them all next time we've spoken and I've been greeted with "how's things, haven't seen you in ages!!!"

SapphireStrange · 10/03/2017 16:16

I am hungover is a pretty poor excuse, they made plans to get yet still got so drunk the night before they couldn't leave the house. These people are adults ffs!

I agree with this. It's really disrespectful to get so pissed one day you have to cancel people the next. It just clearly says 'I couldn't be arsed keeping an eye on my drinking because I knew I could always not bother coming to yours.'

Original poster
Vagabond · 10/03/2017 16:17

I had an acquaintance who called in sick for work (air traffic control) and this forced his colleagues to get called in to work an extra shift on a weekend.

He was then photographed at a St Patrick's Day ball that night and it was all shared on our friend Facebook.

He lost his job and his expat posting in the Middle East. Karma.

Let's all agree for future posts that people dying, anxiety, illness, real emergencies etc.. are genuine reasons to cancel. :)

OP posts:
MargaretCavendish · 10/03/2017 16:21

It's really disrespectful to get so pissed one day you have to cancel people the next. It just clearly says 'I couldn't be arsed keeping an eye on my drinking because I knew I could always not bother coming to yours.'

Can you always predict how hungover you'll be the next day while drinking? Because I can't. Some days half a bottle of wine has me feeling awful the next day, others I can drink a whole bottle and wake up feeling great. Drunk people also don't always make the best decisions re. 'whether or not to have another drink'. I don't think cancelling because you're hungover is great either, but taking it as a personal insult seems a bit strong.

Pacha11 · 10/03/2017 16:21

I'll just shrug it off. It's their loss. You can't force people to do anything they don't want to.

Draw your conclusions and act accordingly next time. Life is too short to punish yourself for other people's mistakes.