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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel upset DD wasn't invited?

34 replies

lill72 · 01/03/2017 16:47

DD has known her friend for a few years and though not best buddies, have had play dates and been invited to each others parties. I currently share drop off and pick up for after school class with the mum. A few weeks ago she was telling me how she was organising a small party for her DD - and that she was happy she could only invite a few. I was certain that my DD would have been one invited. But it turns out she hasn't been. To add insult to injury, the mum asked me to go out for a tea. Just doesn't add up.

I just don't get why you would tell someone about a party, then not invite their child. Just a bit upsetting. What do you think?

OP posts:
Slightlyperturbedowlagain · 01/03/2017 16:51

Maybe she was trying to gently tell you that your DD wasn't on the list but it was because it was a very small party? I have some really good 'mum' friends where our DCs aren't best buddies. Just the way it goes sometimes.

FauxFox · 01/03/2017 16:52

Why is it insulting she wants to see you for a cup of tea Confused She likes you more than her DD likes your DD. She told you it was a 'small party'. Her DD can invite who she likes (provided she is over 3 years old on said birthday) - her birthday, her choice.

IamFriedSpam · 01/03/2017 16:54

It does sound a bit hurtful. I wouldn't take it personally though, she might have told her DD she can only have 3 friends and young kids can be very funny about who their best friends are - if they happened to have played with XYZ a lot that day they'd be on the list then the next week it might be a completely different group.

IHaveBrilloHair · 01/03/2017 16:56

She wants to keep your friendship even though your daughters may not be best friends.
She sounds like a keeper to me.

Original poster
lill72 · 01/03/2017 17:00

it was 10 friends that she could invite.
Our DDs are friends that is the thing.

OP posts:
Allthebestnamesareused · 01/03/2017 17:01

Yes - I think she was breaking it gently that it was going to be a 'small' party. I think she has asked you out for a tea to show you she still considers you her friend.

I am assuming your child is still very young. You'll get used to being invited to some you never expected to be invited to and not invited to some you thought you might be.

Don't ever rely on a 'reciprocal' invite - it just doesn't work like that!

Allthebestnamesareused · 01/03/2017 17:02

!0 friends is till quite small for example, if the daughter goes to Brownies or some other group where she meets a different group.

Original poster
lill72 · 01/03/2017 17:03

Without going into too much detail, the cup of tea to me feels like she is trying to keep me on side..

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 01/03/2017 17:05

She probably left choosing the 10 friends to her DD, which imo is exactly what all parents should do.

It's her daughter's birthday after all and she shouldn't be forced to have to pick someone, just because her mum shares after school pick ups, or thinks she should to save awkwardness.

I'm sure your DD will get plenty of other invites, especially with this 'class party' trend that's so popular now.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 01/03/2017 17:05

What's wrong with keeping you on side? Don't we all want our friends on side?

Original poster
lill72 · 01/03/2017 17:06

All the best - I just see it completely differently. Maybe you are right. Maybe not.

She just seemed so happy to tell me she could keep it small and not invite 'everyone'- which seems a bit cruel to say when your DD is not one of the chosen few. I wouldn't have even known about the party had it not been brought up. Unnecessary to bring it up in my book.

OP posts:
NerrSnerr · 01/03/2017 17:06

How old are they? It's rough but 10 is a small party and not everyone can be invited. I wouldn't stop being friends with her mum over this.

SarcasmMode · 01/03/2017 17:06

She's probably worried you'll stop sharing drop offs now her DD didn't invite yours.

As long as they don't have a mutual friend who went as well I think it's just one of those things.

daisypond · 01/03/2017 17:13

It sounds like she was telling you in advance there was going to be a party and dropping hints that your DD might not be invited, in case you found out later that there had been a party that you didn't even know about - that would be worse.

Original poster
lill72 · 01/03/2017 17:21

daisy - if this is the case, the way it was said was just not very subtle shall we say. Not nice to say you are happy you don't have to invite everyone if your DD is not included!!

I just would not go about this in the same way so find it a bit odd. I take a little boy DD is not really friends with to another class and invited him to DDs party. As I thought it the right thing. Yes it was a bigger party but I didnt have to invite. I just though the friendly thing as were sharing drop offs etc

OP posts:
WorkAccount · 01/03/2017 17:31

daisy - if this is the case, the way it was said was just not very subtle shall we say. Not nice to say you are happy you don't have to invite everyone if your DD is not included!!
our daughters party last year had over 20 kids, it was chaos, we ARE very pleased this year we can limit the people she invites, the invite list was upto her.

She hasn't chosen my best friends child. but she is my friend not my daughters.
It may help she is my second child.

Astro55 · 01/03/2017 17:35

It does hurt - but what has DD said about the lack of invite?

WatchingIZombie · 01/03/2017 17:44

I'm with you OP! The same thing happened to me last year, except their DD had a big party and missed my DD out. She was even asking for help getting things for the party! (Cheeky cow!)

Astoria7974 · 01/03/2017 17:50

I'm with you OP. If you share pick ups and drop offs and your daughters are friends your dd should have been invited out of courtesy at least. It was incredibly rude for her to be left off. I would personally re-examine the pick ups/drop offs if I were you.

WorraLiberty · 01/03/2017 17:51

Zombie that doesn't really compare to the OP.

In this instance, there are only 10 party invites and (presumably) the child's mother has simply let her choose who she wants there.

ZombieApocalips · 01/03/2017 17:54

You have to separate your friendship with the mum with the friendship between the girls. I think that the offer of tea means that the mum wishes to maintain her friendship with you.
It's easy to fall in the trap of thinking that no invite means that her dd doesn't like yours as much as yours likes hers.
How old is the girl? A 10 child party might mean 8 invites if the girl has a sibling. 8 might be half the girls in a 30 kid class. Subtract potential cousins and friends from other sources like old school/clubs then it's possible that only 1 or 2 school friends are invited. If any of the invites are twins in the same class/club/family then the chances of your dd being invited is even less.

I

Lilypurple · 01/03/2017 18:02

My boy chose who he wanted and was adamant that certain children should not be invited as he sees them as children who make bad choices - his words. One mum I was particularly awkward with and to be honest I'm glad it's over now but I stand by letting my boy choose his friends.

Astro55 · 01/03/2017 18:37

If any of the invites are twins in the same class

why would you assume twins both get invited? I want mine treated as individuals!

myst · 01/03/2017 22:34

Don't be too upset, she probably left DD to choose and feels awkward too.

Parties can be tricky things, I once had to watch a child give invitations before school to every child there except DS. Child told him his invitation was with her mother, who when he asked her told him he didn't have one and shouldn't even be asking her. He was 5 at the time.
When I said what her child had said, I was told that he should learn a life lesson that he wouldn't be invited to every party. I wasn't upset about him not being invited but more her attitude.

I try to guide DS into choosing a couple of children that are more important than just school friends but not everyone does this,

TheOnlyLivingBoyinNewCork · 02/03/2017 00:00

You sound way way over invested in this and are taking it in a very odd way. It's not about you.

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