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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend making me feel bad for being happy

29 replies

Naemates · 25/02/2017 13:11

I have a friend who has been single her whole life, barely any dates, many many crushes. It was fine while I was single too but I'm now married and she makes me feel bad about it! Not intentionally I don't think, but I also don't think she thinks when she speaks either. How do I find her a man??!

OP posts:
SoleBizzz · 25/02/2017 13:12

How does she make you feel bad?

sonyaya · 25/02/2017 13:18

You shouldn't feel bad and nor should she make you. SIBU in that sense. But I do feel for her - it is hard to wonder if or when you'll ever meet someone.

Birdsgottaf1y · 25/02/2017 13:32

Is she being proactive in finding herself a Partner?

I've started online dating, but I've decided that I'll be happy if it stays at dating.

You are within your right to tell her when she's pissing on your chips.

It might be doing her a favour if you point out when she's wallowing in her unhappiness and taking it out on others. I think that the 'woe is me' trait, does come across to others, as much as desperation does.

VeryBitchyRestingFace · 25/02/2017 13:43

What is she doing to make you feel bad?

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 25/02/2017 13:45

Are you either intentionally or unintentionally rubbing her nose in it.

SoleBizzz · 25/02/2017 13:46

I need to know what she is saying. Friends do annoy us.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 25/02/2017 13:47

Do you go on about how fairy tale like your marriage is. If so, Its only natural that she's jealous.

LardLizard · 25/02/2017 13:50

Misery loves company
I suppose and can be hard when a shared experience is no longer shared

daisychain01 · 25/02/2017 14:08

You're not being a 'smug married' are you? A la Bridget Jones. Everything expressed as "we" "us" married unit.

It can grate after a while even to the most magnanimous of friends.

I'd say if you are happy you're in a lot better situation than she is, even if you "feel bad" about it.

TENSHI · 25/02/2017 14:11

Just by virtue of you being married will divide you especially as she is miserable single.

I had a situation like this and luckily I had a male friend who was also single and so I did a spot of matchmaking and luckily for all of us they have moved in together and are blissfully happy.

So if you find your friend is bringing you down then try and instigate get togethers with others (hopefully not all couples!) rather than just one on one with her so she can meet new people and hopefully enjoy herself a bit.

Floggingmolly · 25/02/2017 14:13

How do you find her a man? Hmm

FrogsLegs31 · 25/02/2017 14:15

I had a friend who was in an unhappy relationship (her summary) who thoroughly enjoyed hearing about my failed dates and loneliness while I was single for a year after I left an 8yr EA relationship.

It took just one month of me being happy with my new bloke for her to decide that she would start ghosting me and ditch me on my birthday after I took her out for hers the week before.

I cut her out of my life and never looked back.

TheNaze73 · 25/02/2017 14:22

She sounds bloody annoying

WhereYouLeftIt · 25/02/2017 14:22

"How do I find her a man??!"
You don't. That is not the solution to your situation.

Your problem is that you have a frenemy rather than a friend. Friends do not make you feel bad about yourself. If you want to maintain a relationship with her, then be honest and whenever she says something aimed at making you feel bad about yourself, pull her up about it. If she were a friend, she would stop doing it. If she persists, she is not a friend and you break contact.

ShowMePotatoSalad · 25/02/2017 14:27

I was with you up until you said "How do I find her a man?"

Maybe she doesn't want a man. Maybe she doesn't need a man to be happy. Do you see her as a dried up, miserable old prune or something?

You're projecting your idea of happiness on to someone else. Have you considered that there's a possibility you might be rubbing her nose in it a bit? A lot of people change when they get married - they act differently and their outlook on life changes. Friendships often end up strained after marriage or kids.

Give us some concrete examples of what she's said and done to make you feel bad.

mumofthemonsters808 · 25/02/2017 14:36

I have a single friend who also just assumes because I'm married my life is perfect. WHen in fact she knows very little about what happens behind closed doors, when I see her, she offloads all her drama onto my shoulders and my problems seem so insignificant compared to hers that I never even mention them. This has just become the nature of our relationship, but one thing I won't have from her, is her sniping at me and making the odd dig here and there.

I really do wish things were different for her and her life wasn't so hard, (back to back shift working, poor health, abusive adult children, dead leg men floating in and out, money problems) but I draw the line at her trying to put me down. When she's done this and I've pulled her up, she tends to cry and apologise and I then feel bad for reacting, but I can't allow her to behave this way towards me.

PyongyangKipperbang · 25/02/2017 14:41

My cousin used to be like this. We were really good friends as teens/early twenties and she got really pissed off if me or any of her other friends got a boyfriend. The trouble was that she was so bloody negative all the time that it put men off! You know those people who are never happy unless they are miserable? Thats her. She got married eventually to someone who is as negative as she is, but lost a lot of friends before that as she would moan and moan about their boyfriends or kick off when they got married.

I hardly speak to her now.

EggsEleven · 25/02/2017 14:45

I don't think finding her a man is the answer. I have a friend like this - she's become even worse since I had DD. I never rub her nose in it and find that I can't really be myself around her anymore as I barely mention DH or DD in conversation. She's always been a bit negative though - even if she had a bloke she seems to begrudge others being happy. Have distanced myself from her quite a bit now.

SoleBizzz · 25/02/2017 14:48

I'm single. I have never felt jealousy because a friend is married and I'm not.

Grilledaubergines · 25/02/2017 14:49

Why do you want to find her a man?

Before we look for happiness from others, we need to be able to be happy on our own.

Have a partner shouldn't validate us. Whatever it is that makes you feel guilty, her having a man won't do much.

It depends why you feel guilty and actually whether the guilt is as a result of her or just your own feeling.

Grilledaubergines · 25/02/2017 14:49

Having not have.

Emmageddon · 25/02/2017 14:59

Does she actually want a man? You say she has had many crushes but barely any dates - maybe she doesn't really like men all that much. She's probably a bit miffed that she has lost the closeness you two used to share, and has been replaced by your husband, but don't assume it's your job to find her a bloke.

She will be well aware of OLD, speed dating, singles nights and so on, and if she wants to be coupled up like you are, then she won't need your help to do so.

Were you thinking of arranging a double date for you, your husband, one of your husband's single mates and her? Don't do it!! She will hate you for it.

She maybe perfectly happy being single but a tad irritated by your smug marriedness.

SoleBizzz · 25/02/2017 15:16

Married Women in my experience are usually jealous of single Women.

TinselTwins · 25/02/2017 15:16

Well we can't really comment on whether you are BU or not unless you tell us what she's saying that's upsetting you!

sunshinesupermum · 25/02/2017 15:19

I feel for both you and your friend.

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