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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

How to nip Dd's attitude in the bud

47 replies

TheoriginalLEM · 19/02/2017 22:49

Dd is 11 and 90% of the time a lovely sweet little girl. Works hard at school despite being severely dyslexic.

Lately her attitude is really upsetting. The dawning of the teenage years i think/fear. Not bad behaviour but just a general recalcitrance and woe isme attitude to being asked to do thjngs.Getting dressed a particular bug bear and bathing is an issue. "i just want to relax its hlf term stop having a go at me" in response to being asked to get dressed.

I am not handling it well tbh. i find myself responding in kind and it turns into a tit for tat argument. I have been quite forceful and shouty on a couple of occasions and whilst she has changed her tune after it usually precipitates tears and i don't actually want to upset her.

I have noticed physical changes so i suspect that the dreaded hirmones are playing a part here.

How can i deal with this firmly without being shuoty and intimidating?

OP posts:

19lottie82 · 19/02/2017 22:52

The getting dressed thing, is it really worth the battle, if she has nothing to do outside th house? Pick your battles....... and all of that!

SovietKitsch · 19/02/2017 22:54

Why can't she relax a bit in half term? Can she not hang about the house a bit, or do you have to go out.

My experience with my severely dyslexic DC is that he really needs his holidays - term time is so much harder for him. (Not saying I always get it right, far from it!)

Original poster

TheoriginalLEM · 19/02/2017 22:56

if she isn't going anywhere i am happy for her to stay in her onesie but she does it when we DO have places to go. Its like a major operation and i have to factor an hour in to "persuade"her to get dressed. I totally get the battle picking but iften every little thing i ask us like i have just ruined her day/holday/life

OP posts:

Bahh · 19/02/2017 22:58

I also am not getting the importance of getting dressed, does she have places to be?

You need to adjust your parenting style a bit if you're to survive the teenage years! If she's 11 presumably she's just finished her first full term of secondary school? She must be knackered. It is a confusing, stressful time at that age - certainly not grown ups yet but not quite kids anymore.

It's nothing personal. Hormones are a bitch, cast your mind back a bit and I'm sure you'll remember a few instances where you were difficult for your parents to deal with!

ProudBadMum · 19/02/2017 22:58

Just take stuff off her. Phone? Internet?

My sister is severely dyslexic as well that didn't mean she didn't have to do what she was told. She's 15 now and not much better

Kikikaakaa · 19/02/2017 23:00

Good luck!

Being obstinate seems to be a rite of passage

If I said to my teens 'quickly hurry up Justin Beiber is in the living room!' They would still have a moan about me asking them to hurry up

Original poster

TheoriginalLEM · 19/02/2017 23:02

Soviet -yes totally agree and we will have the occasional "lazy day" but she wants to go out. Today was my only day off this week and i would have happily stayed in but SHE wanted to go out! But we ended up late out because she refused to get dressed until we decided on where we were going then i got the whole "i just want a fun day bla bla bla" Ended up caving and forking out £100 for membetdhip to local attraction that i wasn't sure of but we didn't get there until 3 as she took AGES to finally get dressed oncewe had decided to go there despite me not really being able to afford it.

As it turned out it was lovely but it would have been nice to get there early enough to call ita DAY out.

OP posts:

SovietKitsch · 19/02/2017 23:03

Stop nagging her? Tell her what time you're going out, let her know what time she needs to be ready by, and then just ignore her til it's five minutes to go and say "we're leaving in 5, you need to be ready" - but preferably tell her ten mins earlier than you actually want her to leave so you're not late.

The other one I do is, ban all TV and tablets etc until they are ready - this does usually encourage getting ready quickly so can then settle down with TV or device til time to go.

Tobeemoree · 19/02/2017 23:03

I can't sympathise in terms of age (she's 9.5), but tick tick tick to everything else. Hormones are definitely kicking in, which fits in with our family if nothing else.

We put REALLY strong emphasis on the 'looking after your own body' element of the conversation. It's sinking in, slowly. But it's a fucking hard battle.

SovietKitsch · 19/02/2017 23:05

Sorry, bit of a cross-post though. I do think some of it is related to the dyslexia - lack of appreciation of time passing seems to be in our house! It's hard.

trappedinsuburbia · 19/02/2017 23:06

Watching with interest, my (used to be) lovely ds seems to have a permanent attitude, definitely hormones but I end up shouting/generally not handling it very well !

MumW · 19/02/2017 23:07

My DD can be just the same (and not dealing with dyslexia ). I'm horrified that she would even consider leaving the house in pjs. I draw the line there - have some self respect and all that - but it does seem to be an acceptable trend. It's a slippery slope and I dread to think of where it will end.

Teenagers can be difficult at the best of times. It's impossible to get it right all of the time so, I agree that you have to choose your battles and pick your moments. You are not alone.

Lessthanaballpark · 19/02/2017 23:10

OP I undeRostand exactly where you're coming from. My DS has turned into this.

Anything I ask him to do turns into such a drama and I have to choose between just doing the job myself and risk him turning into a lazy arse or enduring 30 minutes of backchat and reminders before he does what I asked.

The only advice I can give is to detach from the secondary behaviour, the backchat, the grumbling and whining and concentrate on the goal at hand. "You need to be dressed in 10 minutes".

Dyslexia often affects the organisational skills so that could be a factor and you need the patience of a saint to keep going

Original poster

TheoriginalLEM · 19/02/2017 23:11

Also she has no srnse of personal hygiene and appearance. She will only wear baggy trousers (fine, as i think she has sensory issues) but only wants to wear old worn out clothes that make her look like an urchin child and brushing her hair is like ww3. Dp says to not worry about it but i do because i don't want her to be the "dirty"kid with tangled matted hair. I do bite my tongue but she is starting to get BO and its difficult to get her to have a bath/shower. if i didn't nag her she simply wouldn't wash even now the most i can pursuade her is twice a week

I don't want to make this an issue but she needs to take care of personal hygiene.

Poor dd.dhe is such a lovely affectionate girl so i hate confrontation -looking for ideas on how to avoid it and approach in other ways.

OP posts:

Original poster

TheoriginalLEM · 19/02/2017 23:13

Soviet - that is interesting re the time.Both dd and dp seem to think the eorld will stop and wait for themand how NO concept of time passing. It drives me to distraction. Dp is dyslexic too, although not diagnosed.

OP posts:

SovietKitsch · 19/02/2017 23:15

My DC without dyslexia is the shower shirker round here - I'm following intently for tips on dealing with that. Not much short of dragging him in the shower gets the job done.

Voice0fReason · 19/02/2017 23:16

Back off - you will never win anything with a tit for tat approach.
She's a good kid, give her room to grow and get it right rather than being on her case every time she doesn't jump to your orders.

SovietKitsch · 19/02/2017 23:18

Yes, DS seems to have no concept time is passing, gets endlessly distracted, and then ends up angry/frustrated we're going when he's not ready even though he's spent an hour fannying around - as though all that time wasting had nothing to do with him!

Original poster

TheoriginalLEM · 19/02/2017 23:19

Will try to back off a bit but i find the back chat so hard to deal with. She is stubbirn as a mule but she really is a good girl

OP posts:

LittlePaintBox · 19/02/2017 23:37

My older son is dyslexic and he was exhausted by year 7 - everything was a challenge, remembering the right books, finding rooms, remembering what homework had been set, just the exhaustion of concentrating for a whole lesson - she probably does need a rest.

I get what you're saying about her not getting ready when it was her who wanted to go out, but another thing my DS exhibited was a really poor sense of time. In fact he's now in his thirties and he still does it to an extent. But at school age he needed constant reminders about when to get ready for things. TBH I think I'd have abandoned the day out if she wasn't cooperating with getting ready.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 19/02/2017 23:40

I disagree that 'backing off' is a good approach.

She told you she was 'relaxing & to back off' ?! Pfft. You can't let her talk to you like that. Get her told.

Kids need rules & boundaries. They need to push against them to make sure they're still there, that gives them security when things around them (and their bodies) are changing.

If you back off at 11, by the time she's 13 she'll be a proper little pita.

You need to be more clear about the rules/boundaries/whatever. Like today, tell her you will take her caving IF she is ready by x time. Explain what you mean by 'ready' - showered, appropriately dressed & had breakfast (or whatever) If she isn't, you won't - and stick to that. Tell her she has to shower daily because she is 11 now & twice a week is not acceptable - get her into a routine where it's just done.

Tears are not the end of the world. There will be far worse to worry about if she's a teenager that has no respect for you.

I'm not saying it's easy, but it's easier now than in a few years time.

unlucky83 · 19/02/2017 23:54

Pick your battles ...the shower thing tell her she smells and leave her to it...she will start showering regularly eventually ( and then start hogging the bathroom for 40 min ..sigh)
Getting dressed - (have so much sympathy - especially when it is something they WANT to do and you don't really .....
Tell her we need to leave at X time, you are not coming out with me not dressed and if you aren't ready we can't go...
Then get yourself ready, settle down on the sofa with a brew and the tv/a book. Remind her 15, 10 and 5 mins before you 'need' to leave and if she isn't ready - don't go - she won't do it more than a couple of times...
The back chat - ignore, ignore, ignore ...
What I will say is my DD (has ADHD) became an absolute nightmare just before she started her periods. She had tantrums - lying on the floor screaming like a 3 yr old - tantrums - and it would seemingly come from nowhere... they stopped after she had started her periods - she still has her moments but nothing like that (thankfully)....

MotherofA · 19/02/2017 23:56

I also have a generally well behaved , loving DD (10) with attitude for days ! I really do try to be positive and patient but sometimes, after repeating myself about 25 times I flip!
Also spent 100 on a day out which was much later than planned due to her having hormonal mood swings and refusing to get ready (rest of day lovely ) .

PuddleJumper01 · 20/02/2017 00:14

Eurrgh! AnnieAnoniMouse I'm SO pleased I'm not your DD, and feel very sorry for your children. I'm a massive believer in boundaries making children feel safe, and a massive enforcer of rules, but there's no love or affection whatsoever in your post. You're incredibly punitive, and I think your attitude will encourage rebellion.

OP, i agree with every other poster... Pick you battles (that is really, really key). Kids don't need to bathe every single day. Give reminders. If your child is ok with it, go in with her in her pjs/onsie. Have clothes she can change into. Yes, have limits which you won't cross, but doesn't mean you have to be nasty.

Trifleorbust · 20/02/2017 05:29

I think you need to adjust your idea of 'need' to go out so you are less stressed. If your DD wants to go for a day out, she is the one with the responsibility for making sure she has clothes on. I would just say "No problem" and settle down with a box set and a cup of tea. If she doesn't want to go enough to put clothes on, why are you bothering?

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