How to nip Dd's attitude in the bud

[TheoriginalLEM]

Dd is 11 and 90% of the time a lovely sweet little girl. Works hard at school despite being severely dyslexic.

Lately her attitude is really upsetting. The dawning of the teenage years i think/fear. Not bad behaviour but just a general recalcitrance and woe isme attitude to being asked to do thjngs.Getting dressed a particular bug bear and bathing is an issue. "i just want to relax its hlf term stop having a go at me" in response to being asked to get dressed.

I am not handling it well tbh. i find myself responding in kind and it turns into a tit for tat argument. I have been quite forceful and shouty on a couple of occasions and whilst she has changed her tune after it usually precipitates tears and i don't actually want to upset her.

I have noticed physical changes so i suspect that the dreaded hirmones are playing a part here.

How can i deal with this firmly without being shuoty and intimidating?

I don't think that AnnieAnoniMouse was suggesting anything uncaring or nasty, she was just being firm. My ds is dyslexic and found school hard work at that age. He also wasn't very keen on washing and liked to wear the same grungy clothes for days on end. We enforced the washing and were relaxed about the tatty clothes (no uniform for school which helped). His time management was poor (I do believe that is a dyslexic trait) so we tried to do countdowns for him, but sometimes we got mad and yelled (or left him behind) when he was particularly uncooperative. Still do for that matter although he's mostly been a pretty easy teenager (almost 18 now).

So sure do pick your battles, but be prepared to fight the ones that matter to you. Teenagers aren't required to rebel, and good, consistent boundaries are important. Just make sure that there is also lots of love and support too.

Now that she's at secondary I do agree the washing should be non negotiable for her sake. Children find weaknesses and pick on others relentlessly. I don't think you'd want her to be know as the stinky child. If she showers every other day and washes her hair at the same time, I really do think that should be a minimum. That way, her hair will at least be brushed every 2 days. And deodorant is pretty good if reapplied in between. I use a salt deodorant spray with dd from Amazon if you don't want to use chemicals.

Bless her it sounds as if she's really struggling. You too. My dd is younger so I'm not saying I have the answers. My dd has sensory issues. They were most prevalent at about ages 5/6/7 and getting clean was a weekly dip in the pool and a weekly shower. Her hair became a bit of a birds nest by the end of the week. She wore the same out of school dress for about 3 months straight, which I washed over night and the same school blouse and skirt or school summer dress as everything else was 'Itchy' so I was constantly washing. I find the sensory issues get worse when dd is anxious. I don't know if this is the case for your dd.

I also think a cut off time is good with the time warnings for going out is good. Getting dd out of the house used to be really stressful because she wanted to look 'Perfect'. Doing her hair was always a chore if the bunches weren't perfectly alligned and so on. I ended up doing her hair 3/4/5 times before we could leave. What I found really worked was getting her ready for school 10 mins before we had to leave so she didn't have time to get anxious about the day. But then she was only 5/6/7 so I could dress her and do her hair myself.

I don't know if any of this is helpful as I know I'm discussing my dd at much younger. She's 8 and yr4 now. Things have improved no end. I hope they do for you and your dd.

You just say if you want to go to x then you need to be ready to leave at 10 o otherwise it will be too late and stick to it

Can you chuck out the old clothes? Tell her when you are leaving and then leave at that time and she can stay home. Or don't go if it was a treat just for her. Repeat as necessary.

Definitely pick your battles but on the battles you pick you need to be strong and consistent.

E.g for the day out, set a timer and if she isn't ready then you don't go, take away wifi etc so she's bored at home.
If it's something she has to do for you and doesn't want to again there needs to be a consequence.
I find a stopwatch timer which can be seen can help with children who find time difficult.
Have a list of expected behaviours (like washing!) And she needs to check that she's done what has been asked.
Consistency is the key. Good luck!

God no don't chuck out the old clothes. 😱😱. That would be a terrible thing to do to a person with sensory issues.

I think its a phase they all go through, could you get her some trendy or grown up toiletries? The fruit ones are popular I believe.

She is a growing girl who is becoming a young woman and needs boundaries, yes, but also a sense of control of her own body and her own life. Choose a calm moment to sit with her and agree the things which need to be done either for one day (the day before) or daily non-negotiables but get her to set out the parameters, within reason. For example, she needs to wash-once her periods start this will be even more vital. So this is your boundary as a parent. But when would she prefer to wash? Morning? Evening? Straight after school to get right into her onesie? Let her choose and then use a chart or a mobile app to mark off that she is sticking to her own rules. If you say every day but she says once a week, perhaps, for now compromise on every other day, or maybe say she doesn't need to have a wash on a Saturday or whatever. If children have plans and boundaries that they fee they have created themselves, they are much more likely to stick to them. As another poster has said, dyslexia can also affect organisation and memory retention/recollection skills (not in everyone) so document what has been agreed and keep going over it. An hour before her agreed wash time, remind her perhaps. Then ten minutes before-but again, give her the control. Say 'I'm not nagging, I don't have to remind you as long as you're confident you'll remember.'

Hormones, however, are a bastard, and whilst the above should help, she will also have her moments as done all. Choose the battles worth having. Do not allow disrespectful language and behaviour but instead of shouting about it, try to walk away and talk about it with her a few minutes later when she is calm, using phrases such as 'when you do x, it made me feel y. Do you think we could change that in future?' Allow her to acknowledge her mistakes and put them right. There will be many, many mistakes-she's a kid.

OP the lesson your daughter learnt this weekend is that she can push your buttons, get her own way and make you spend a huge amount of money you can't afford. You've had some good advice up thread especially re boundaries and picking your battles.

Are you on top of the washing?

My 11 year old is similar, and I find I can sometimes stop the getting dressed dramz before it starts by making sure she's planned what to wear the night before, and I've made sure it's washed and dried and sitting neatly in the pile of clothes on top of her drawers that she never bothers to put away.

she refused to get dressed until we decided on where we were going

Puzzled about this, how did it go? You were telling her to get dressed ready ahead of deciding where to go? Can I possibly have understood that? Apologies if i got the wrong end of the stick? Because it makes me ask 'what was there to decide? Its seems reasonable to be to decide where we are goung and then get dressed and ready to go out.

You don't want to upset her? Yet you're happy for an 11-year-old to dictate the family's schedule based on her whims whether or not to get dressed? This is bonkers, you need to knock this on the head before she becomes a real little madam. Tell her off, invoke consequences for poor behaviour and bad attitude! She's a child, you need to be the parent here.

Would more responsibility work? You have to be ready by 10am and she has to organise when she showers and gets dressed herself?

Let it all go. Only argue over essential things. If she wont get dressed for an outing she wants just stay in. She has,to shower or bath so make it non negotiable . Let her scream and shout but no tv, phone or internet till its done. Font worry they all come out of the other side off this as nice people

after repeating myself about 25 times I flip!
If you are repeating yourself 25 times and you are being ignored, you need to change how you are communicating because it's clearly not working.
There is no point in continuing to do what you are doing.

Have they heard you?
Are they in the middle of something else and just didn't hear, register or process your instructions?
Is there another reason why they don't want to do what you want?
Have you listened to what they are trying to tell you or have you dismissed their issues as irrelevant to what you want?

There is no way my eldest would get ready to go out if we hadn't already agreed where we were going! He's autistic, the OP's DD is dyslexic - processes like this can be critical for them. Take the time to plan things in advance, then you get a much greater level of cooperation.

Rules and boundaries are very important, but so is autonomy and the level of autonomy must increase as children get older, otherwise, how are they going to be able to learn to function as an adult?

Being kind and positive, showing consideration to your child's needs is FAR more effective to build a good relationship and encourage the behaviour you want, than telling off and giving consequences.

Neither of my boys (11 and 9) are lovers of having a wash but it's non- negotiable here. They have to wash at least every second day and if it is that day then they can do it when they like but no screens/TV/ phones/ going out/ friends round until it's done.

As for the attraction thing, I'd have put a one limit on it - we can go if you are ready by x time.

time limit

I've got two soap dodgers here. I say bath or shower? That is it!
I think the choice element gives them control. I get a nice smelling child.

Thanks - some good advice on here. It is really difficult for me not to mirror her demeanor and its like ive forgotten that im the adult and slip into being a teenager myself.

I agree that it would have helped if she knew where we were going. My argument was well once we decide we can just go if we are ready. But in future I'll make sure we know where we are going.

I would never dream of throwing her clothes away as she becomes very attached to things and that would result in meltdown. She can be quite obsessive about things. I will often say that particularly unsuitable things are "in the washing machine". She hates buying anything new clothes wise as she has the clothes she likes but she grows!!!

I often wonder if she has some autistic traits. She is very young for her age, still wants cuddly toys etc but is very ungirly (fine) and is happiest playing minecraft.

Dp is making her a new bed so am hoping this means she will accept some of her old shit toys and bits and pieces going to the tip loft. We can't throw anything away, even sweet wrappers are kept. I don't buy her any easter eggs or Christmas chocs as she refusesto eat anything too beautiful

She is a quirky wee soul and i wouldn't change her for the world, but the attitude has got to stop.

Plan a way to take some control back. It's a strategy game.

Plan a way to take some control back. It's a strategy game.
No it's not a strategy game!
The aim is not to control your child, it's to guide them and teach them.
You're not trying to beat them.