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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect an orgasm on V day at least?!

43 replies

AudreyTwo · 15/02/2017 00:30

My husband is possibly the most selfish lover ever. Over the nine years we've been together we've had three kids and so have had to make do with quickies mostly. However our youngest is now two and sleeps through the night most of the time so I had asked for a nice massage hoping this would lead onto some foreplay and an orgasm for me before he did his few minutes of thrusting and achieved his objective. Somehow this turned into him getting a blowjob (I assumed the favour would be returned!) and then finishing the job! Now he's turned over and is playing on his phone while I am fuming. AIBU to expect him to indulge me every now and then??

OP posts:

understandnothing · 15/02/2017 00:35

Every now and then? Your expectations are too low.

Original poster

AudreyTwo · 15/02/2017 00:37

Haha perhaps you're right! I have got so used to sorting myself out that it's become the norm!!

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 15/02/2017 00:38

YANBU but it has nothing to do with a day that makes card companies, florists and restaurateurs very rich.

If he's a selfish lover, you need to take time to sit and discuss it and I don't think Valentine's day is a particularly suitable time.

Are there any other problems in your marriage?

ArchNotImpudent · 15/02/2017 00:38

YANBU. Can you not give yourself one, in a very pointed way?

Bahh · 15/02/2017 00:40

That sounds horrendous, what is he playing at?!

I agree with the above. You get yourself the most powerful rabbit you can find and go to town every time he just rolls over.

Somerville · 15/02/2017 00:40

Can you not give yourself one, in a very pointed way?

That sounds painful!

OP, does he care about your pleasure too?

BillyButtfuck · 15/02/2017 00:41

YANBU he's being selfish and doesn't care about your needs. Not everyone can orgasm every time but he should atleast pay you the same attention you do him.

Talk to him the communication is obviously off somewhere.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 15/02/2017 00:43

Oh That's unfair. The enjoyment of sex should be had by both sexes or persons if a couple is if the same sex obviously. Even if you don't
'get there'. That's not necessarily the end of the world, but. He should be attending to your needs. Not just making sure he has all the fun.
I'm not going to lie, even anonymously on here and say 'I have screaming multiple squirting orgasms every time me and dp have a shag"
I've never understood. Men climax almost every time. Reason for that is sex is vital to the survival of the species, so I suppose an orgasm is a pleasurable reward for the act that continues the human race, but Why don't we women orgasm every time. Probably the curse of Eve.

BastardGoDarkly · 15/02/2017 00:45

Tell him!?

Erm, darling, I feel I have to say, the sex was shit, pretty much always is, as you only care about yourself, just giving you the heads up, as to why I'll leave in a year or so. N'night.

AcrossthePond55 · 15/02/2017 00:46

Forget taking care of yourself 'afterwards'!!! Next time he suggests a roll in the hay, say a very enthusiastic "SURE!" grab a vibrator and get yourself off. Hell, fake it if you have to. Then roll over and go to sleep.

Original poster

AudreyTwo · 15/02/2017 00:46

In every other way he's a pretty great husband. It's partly my fault for letting him get away with it for so long, but I know that he gets little pleasure out of making me orgasm because it takes 5 or 10 minutes and for him it seems like ages, so I'm always conscious of how long it takes which is counterproductive of course.
Obviously when the kids were all little and we were always knackered and/or being interrupted I didn't mind so much but now we have the time to spend on each other I feel that maybe I need to talk to him and say "You know all the sex we've been having? Yeah that's not actually proper sex" But how on earth do you go about having this conversation??

OP posts:

BillyButtfuck · 15/02/2017 00:48

Maybe after he's done you could say, that's you taken care of - my turn! In a playful way, I don't suppose saying 'your a selfish prick and you don't make me orgasm' is very sexy.

Original poster

AudreyTwo · 15/02/2017 00:49

Thank you all, by the way. I feel vindicated by your responses. The thing is he's not even that bothered by me finishing off by myself or using my rabbit! He thinks he's doing his bit by kissing me while I get on with it!

OP posts:

Original poster

AudreyTwo · 15/02/2017 00:50

Billy that's what I do sometimes. And he will usually do something then :) but I feel like he should want to, you know?

OP posts:

Somerville · 15/02/2017 00:51

Has he told you that he gets little pleasure out of 5-10 minutes of giving you pleasure? or shown it, from his actions? And as a result, you feel self-conscious about it? Or do you think he doesn't enjoy it?

Bahh · 15/02/2017 00:53

This sounds really sad. I had heard some men were like this but didn't actually believe it - surely in a committed relationship, their pleasure is your pleasure and vice versa? I mean of course there will be odd occasions where one gets more love and attention just for variety. But every single time??? That's really shit.

Why doesn't he care about you? Does he just think you're there as some sort of receptical? Does he think it's good for you?

ArchNotImpudent · 15/02/2017 00:53

Somerville Ouch, yes - bad choice of words .

I really meant, ostentatiously - for example, OP could take care, as she abandons herself, to jog her husband's elbow repeatedly while he's trying to use his phone, and could gasp out the name of her choice fantasy crush at irritatingly frequent intervals.

(Probably not a very constructive solution, but might be satisfying in more ways than one!)

Original poster

AudreyTwo · 15/02/2017 00:54

Somerville no, he's not said it. But...it's either half hearted or he's just really bad at directions because I've been telling him/showing him for nine years how and where I like to be touched and I still have to tell him each and every time to slow down and be a bit more gentle. So I guess that makes me feel like its unimportant to him at best.

OP posts:

Hidingtonothing · 15/02/2017 00:55

I would just say 'DH, have you noticed I don't orgasm when we have sex?' Whether the response is yes or no my next question would be 'don't you care whether I have a good time too?'

I should say that this advice comes from someone who finds talking about sex excruciatingly embarrassing but even I could manage to say that much, especially when it could be the difference between having unsatisfactory sex (potentially for the rest of my life) and actually improving things.

steff13 · 15/02/2017 00:55

I expect at least one orgasm every time I have sex. I couldn't be doing with that nonsense.

Have you talked about it? I don't know what good it would do; it's not as though he's trying and failing, it sounds like he just doesn't care. But, to give him the benefit of the doubt, is it possible he feels like it takes too long because he's not good at it, so he's stopped trying? Have you shown him what you like?

Original poster

AudreyTwo · 15/02/2017 00:56

Arch bloody love that!!! 😂 Obviously I'm not saying he never makes me cum but at the moment it's probably once out of every 7 times. And we do it most days!

OP posts:

steff13 · 15/02/2017 00:57

Damn, that was a bunch of x-posts there.

My husband's motto is - nice guys finish last, because they make sure their wives finish first. Maybe you could paint it above your bed. ;)

Original poster

AudreyTwo · 15/02/2017 00:57

Hiding that's a good way to bring it up, thanks.

OP posts:

Somerville · 15/02/2017 00:57

Hmm. In that case I think this might take marriage counselling or sex therapy, rather than just a conversation between the two of you. You've been hinting for nine years - he's either totally clueless or is lazy as (orgasmless) fuck in bed.

BillyButtfuck · 15/02/2017 00:59

Maybe don't have sex every day and make him wok for it a little ( I don't mean sex as a reward/ no sex as a punishment) but maybe if you hold back a little and he's used to every day he might come instigating and you can direct him on what you want him to do and in return you'll do what he wants.

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