Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Spending V day with the ex!

30 replies

Tryingtobegood10 · 13/02/2017 09:53

So my ex and I get on really well and my daughter and I both stay round his place every other Friday (she stays on her own there on the sat) and also the odd week night as well, last week I asked him if we could stay over one night next week as i'v booked her into a half term workshop and he lives closer, he said yes so also booked my car into the garage at the end of his road for that night! Now he has decided the day before, that we can't stay!
He has been seeing someone for a little while now but never talks about her and hasn't even mentioned her to our daughter, now the problem is the night I asked to stay over is valentines day (I didn't really think about it at time of asking as I'm single lol ) i'v checked and they haven't booked any where so would just be staying in, aibu to be pissed off that he has changed his mind at the last min?? Meaning I'm going to have to do a lot of "bussing" late at night and early in the morning with our young daughter or aibu to want to stay over on V day???

OP posts:
EZA15 · 13/02/2017 10:30

I think you are being unreasonable. He's in the start of a new relationship, it may be weird if he didn't do something with her and I bet she would find it a bit weird that the ex is staying over on a day meant for couples. He may not talk about her as he doesn't want to make things awkward (is this his first relationship since you've split?) and not mentioned her to dd as it's the start and doesn't want her to be involved with the new person until he knows it's 'something'

Mrsglitterfairy · 13/02/2017 10:37

Sorry but you are BU here. Valentine's Day is meant for couples and if he wants to see his new lady on that day then that's his right. And can you imagine how she would feel if her boyfriend would rather spend V day with his ex than her?

anonbecauseiwanna · 13/02/2017 10:41

Yabu. If he continues with this relationship I doubt there will be anymore sleepovers on a Friday anyway tbh.

SparkleTwinkleGoldGlitter · 13/02/2017 10:44

Would I Be impressed if I had a new partner and he said he was spending Valentine's Day having his ex stay over? Let me think about that No I wouldn't be impressed.

Maybe he didn't realise it was Valentine's Day either until the girlfriend mentioned it. As you say you get on well it's certainly not something I'd be making a fuss over

Chimpfield · 13/02/2017 10:46

OMG speechless and that doesn't happen often!

harderandharder2breathe · 13/02/2017 10:49

Yabu

It's a new relationship why would he discuss it with you, his ex? And surely he hasn't told DD because it's new and he will when it becomes serious but why unsettle her if it might not last?

Of course he wants to spend Valentine's Day with his new partner!

Pinkheart5915 · 13/02/2017 10:50

I do think yabu

Maybe he didn't realise it was valentines day until his girlfriend sad about it and I don't think it's unreasonable for him to want to spend Valentine's Day with his girlfriend rather than ex!

Can you imagine saying to a new partner oh we can't spend valentines together as my ex is coming to stay Shock I wouldn't be impressed

Ok they've not booked to go out, well maybe they plan on spending the night in bed with champagne and choclate body paint Wink

You appear to have a good set up with him you stay over each week and get on well so I wouldn't be spittingmy dummy out over this.

DevelopingDetritus · 13/02/2017 10:51

I think it's odd, to stay over yourself any night, let alone Valentine's night.

Original poster
Tryingtobegood10 · 13/02/2017 10:58

It's not that new, I'm guessing over a year but not sure as like I said he doesn't ever mention her, and I'm also guessing she doesn't know I stay over but that's none of my business!!

OP posts:
Rightontheschnozz · 13/02/2017 11:39

YABU... Hes an ex. Its nice that you get on. Fantastic for your DD. However I find it strange as to why you'd even want to stay over at his. Im assuming you split for a good reason? It is valentines day and if hes got a date, the last thing he wants is his ex staying over. How awkward would that be. The staying over needs to stop. You seem comfortable letting DD stop on her own so why would you stay.. Unles you were hoping to get back together?

TheHodgeoftheHedge · 13/02/2017 11:42

You get on very, very well in general and are obviously working hard to co-parent as best you can post split. He has had to change one arrangement. It really isn't the end of the world, is it? Just deal with it. The fact that you seem to be annoyed because it might have something to do with the woman he's seeing (and the strange "guessing she doesn't know" dig) says a lot more about you than it does him. You aren't together any more, he's allowed other relationships and frankly, you need to deal with that.

Bluebellevergreen · 13/02/2017 11:46

I think no more sleep overs for you my friend

TheNaze73 · 13/02/2017 11:49

YABVU. He's only been with her a year, why should he rush in, where children are concerned? Sounds like he's playing everything with a straight bat.
Are you hoping for more from the sleepovers???

Ilovecaindingle · 13/02/2017 11:49

Surely this arrangement is preventing both of you from moving on? And big mixed messages to your dc.

Original poster
Tryingtobegood10 · 13/02/2017 11:55

We split up while I was pregnant so I think it's important for our daughter to have "family" time, time with us all together to see us getting on! There is no chance of us getting back together, neither of us want that, but he doesn't drive and works long hours and has a hobbie that takes up a lot of his time so for our daughter to see him often I have to put myself out, staying over on a week night is a lot easier then driving back and forward back and forward late at night and early next morning!
It works for us, I can understand how people who hate their ex can't understand but a lot of our friends comment on what a wonderful job we r doing raising her as a family against odds!
I guess I knew I was being unreasonable by expecting him to stick to the plans we made but was annoyed at how much hassle it's going to be all because it's very day

OP posts:
RyanStartedTheFire · 13/02/2017 12:01

Have you been sleeping with him on these sleep overs? I wouldn't consider that a healthy arrangement for your daughter, it will be giving her mixed messages.

londonrach · 13/02/2017 12:04

You not together so why sleepovers and certainly not valentines day. Thats very strange. Do you want to still be together as sounds like you do. Hes got a new girlfriend. Yabu

TheHodgeoftheHedge · 13/02/2017 12:07

As i said previously, i think it sounds like you're all doing an admirable job of co-parenting. But seriously, he's changed his mind over the plans ONCE. So it's a bit more faff, just deal with it and move on. I honestly don't even understand why you feel the need to post about it if things are that happy and harmonious the rest of the time.

DirtyBlonde · 13/02/2017 12:07

It is totally right that your DD sees that her parents, when in the same place, get on well with each other.

It is not however 'family' time for you are not a family unit.

She is now old enough to stay over alone, and it should be moving towards that. Because it is pretty likely that one day either or both her parents will want a new family.

BlueFolly · 13/02/2017 12:08

Thing is, you say you want your daughter to see you all 'as a family'... but you are not a family. Is it realistic to think that this arrangement is going to be suitable for the next 18 years, most people he or you go out with wouldnt be happy with it, and the fact that you think -are quite pleased- that he hasn't told her, speaks volumes.

emsler · 13/02/2017 12:29

Why do you sleep over anyway? Seems confusing for your dd as well as not exactly helpful for the two of you to move on...

I think the fact that your ex hasn't mentioned his new gf to your dd is a good thing - presumably he's waiting until he feels she's likely to be a permanent feature which I think is pretty responsible of him.

emsler · 13/02/2017 12:31

Sorry, I see you've explained (X-post). Still doesn't seem very sustainable in the long term.

WannaBe · 13/02/2017 12:38

I'm guessing that given the OP said they split up while she was pregnant the DD is still young enough not to be away from her mum overnight and hence the OP stays over to facilitate the relationship with her dad?

TBH I don't necessarily see anything wrong with it. Just because many wouldn't do the same doesn't make it wrong.

However, once new partners enter on to the scene the dynamic does tend to change. And the reality is that the GF may well not be comfortable with the idea of the OP staying over, whether it's valentines or not.

WRT valentines I wouldn't have given it a second thought either as personally I think it's a meaningless day for florists and the like to just make money. But the GF may have expectations which he will be fulfilling.

Writerwannabe83 · 13/02/2017 12:45

Wannabe - the OP says in her first post that her daughter often stays there overnight on her own so it's not as though the mother needs to be there.

It sounds very odd to me.

But saying that, my sister spends Christmas Day with her ex "for the sake of the children" whilst her fiancée is forced to spend it with his mom in my sister's absence.

Butterymuffin · 13/02/2017 12:45

I understand why you feel this way, but you have to accept that things are changing, or will be if they haven't already. Co-parenting is great but he also needs to parent independently. You seem to be basing these arrangements on stuff that fits your life (minimising driving, getting car fixed) which again is understandable, but you can't be annoyed that he may not always be able to fit in with your arrangements. Can you discuss moving to a system where you drive your DD over when she stays and he drives her back, rather than you having to stay? Plus I think it's a good thing that he hasn't rushed into pushing a new girlfriend into his daughter's life.

Swipe left for the next trending thread