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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Calling female exes "psychos"

43 replies

TheLegendOfBeans · 03/02/2017 17:10

AIBU to have big red flags raised in my mind when a man describes his ex as a "psycho"?

Context: I have two dear friends and they have both got into new relationships. AFAIK all going swimmingly....ish. Problem is the guys both have "psycho" exes and both have kids from the relationship with aforementioned "psychos".

When my friends are all like "yeah, it's all going well, shame his ex is a psycho, apparently she had problem with drugs/drink etc" AIBU to think:

A) "psychos" are not born, they are (usually) made
B) the most "psycho"I've ever been was 100% down to rubbish OHs
C) that - even though I know little - my brain lets out a little "defamation" klaxon when I hear of the psycho ex's drug/drink problems

Please note: I am musing. I'm not away to wade into anyone's relationship here, but I wonder if I'm alone in having klaxons go off in my head about this...basically AIBU.

OP posts:
Alisvolatpropiis · 03/02/2017 17:13

Yanbu, I'm always inclined to think along the same lines myself.

ProudBadMum · 03/02/2017 17:14

Some ex's are psychos though... I know a few psycho exs from friends and family.

Sugarlightly · 03/02/2017 17:16

It's a weird phrase to use: usually a guy calling an ex a psycho means she called him a bit too much after they broke up or something whereas if a girl uses it to describe their ex you can guarantee something serious happened.

It's an awfully ableist term to use as well

DianaMemorialJam · 03/02/2017 17:16

'My ex was such a psycho'

Translated: 'I'm a flakey, non committed loser that can't even remember a girlfriend's birthday. Oh and the apron strings are made of industrial grade steel'.

FannyWisdom · 03/02/2017 17:17

As soon as I read psycho ex I equate it with shit man + desperately trying to convince their self new Partner.

kittybiscuits · 03/02/2017 17:18

Beauty is often in the eye of the beholder!

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 03/02/2017 17:18

I'm probably one of those psychos. And a money grabbing bitch who doesn't let him see his son...

Tbf I do call him a sociopath, but I think I've got evidence.

Zaphodsotherhead · 03/02/2017 17:19

But they are happy to leave their kids to be brought up by these 'psychos', presumably?

Perhaps the question to ask is 'are you going for resident parent, then?' and see what the answer is.

gamerwidow · 03/02/2017 17:19

My dsis recent ex had a string of 'psycho' ex girlfriends. Turns out they were that way because he's an emotionally and physically abusive twat.

Thelonewanderer · 03/02/2017 17:20

My oh ex is a psycho. She battered him black and blue on a regular basis then upped and left after clearing his home out of all his furniture. He spent years talking to a counsellor and coming to grips with it all. He refused to go to the police though because he was embarrassed that he was being beaten up by a woman.

Foldedtshirt · 03/02/2017 17:20

Psychos do exist, definitely, but it's a big red flag as decent men don't describe them thus. It's classless and its demonising the other party. Why might these men be so keen for their new girlfriends to hate and distrust their exes 🤔

Helbelle75 · 03/02/2017 17:21

Red flag for me. Usually means he's an idiot and can't admit when he's been in the wrong, so blames the ex. Unfortunately found this out through experience.

ActuallyThatsSUPREMECommander · 03/02/2017 17:21

Huge red flag. Especially if he's been so unfortunate as to shack up with a succession of psychos.

One guy I know did have an ex wife with serious psychological/drink/drug problems. The reason I know he's not bullshitting is that he has sole custody of their children.

ActuallyThatsSUPREMECommander · 03/02/2017 17:22

Huge red flag. Especially if he's been so unfortunate as to shack up with a succession of psychos.

One guy I know did have an ex wife with serious psychological/drink/drug problems. The reason I know he's not bullshitting is that he has sole custody of their children.

Original poster
TheLegendOfBeans · 03/02/2017 17:22

Ok, I'm glad I'm not alone on this.

I was a bit Confused about posting this lest I get labelled a giant misandrist but I'm really not.

It really has the "nails down the blackboard" effect on me. And I feel sad as the wonderful girls I know seem to have picked what I suspect to be but have no hard proof bellends AGAIN.

Sigh.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 03/02/2017 17:23

It's hard to say really, unless you know the ins and outs of what the relationship was like.

For example on Mumsnet, it seems like every other ex is 'EA', but that doesn't necessarily mean it's true.

But no doubt in the poster's mind it is, so I guess it's the same with 'psycho' ex wives.

YouHadMeAtCake · 03/02/2017 17:23

Some ex's are psychos though... I know a few psycho exs from friends and family

True. My DSisters DH has a psycho ex wife. Not his opinion, she really is. The police think so too, she's been in trouble enough. She has no reason to be other than she chooses to.

kittybiscuits · 03/02/2017 17:23

I'm a psycho too BTW - I am a cheat and an abusive liar who has stopped him seeing his children. It's not because he has a personality disorder and can't keep his drug and alcohol abuse or sex life away from the children.

Bloopbleep · 03/02/2017 17:24

A guy I went on one date with and had to threaten him with the police if he didn't leave me alone for a year afterwards calls me a psycho ex... it caused me no end of trouble socially (similar scene) and people still point me out as a psycho. One bloody awful date (he took me to McDonald's ffs - I was 30)

AuntieStella · 03/02/2017 17:30

There are some people around who seem hellish to be near. And it's quite possible that one of them would have featured in a potential new partner's past.

I'd concerned about 'my ex was a psycho' though, as it's over-dramatic and tipping towards blaming her with no insight into the total dynamic. Especially if it's a string of psycho exes.

"We couldn't make it work, and there were some aspects that, over time, made a continuing relationship impossible" amounts to much the same thing without the general insult, and it seems a bit more thoughtful.

NotLadyPrickshit · 03/02/2017 17:30

For me men calling their ex's psychos is on a par with women calling their ex's narcissists...

LooksBetterWithAFilter · 03/02/2017 17:33

If you asked my ex his honest opinion of me he'd tell you I was a psycho. He did a good job of convincing his wife I'm one as well. Even going so far as getting her to listen to phone calls and trying to goad me in to losing my temper. Unfortunately I know him well and asked him why he was trying to goad me.
The reality was that he was an emotionally abusive bully who 9 years later can barely be arsed with his own dc. He still has a shaky relationship with truth and his wife is as delightful as he is.

MrsBlennerhassett · 03/02/2017 17:34

My husbands ex actually was a 'psycho' but he never called her that. Nor did i to anyone in real life lol but she was completely unhinged. I had to call the police several times on her and this was nearly two years after they had broken up. And no i wasnt the OW and she did know i wasnt and there wasnt ever any OW during their relationship. She was genuinely mentally ill and her behaviour became worse due to drug abuse.

No decent man would call someone hed slept with that. If you hear a man calling a woman a psycho id avoid them. It just makes me think 'why shag someone you clearly had no feeling or respect for?'

One of my exs called me a psycho to people we both knew and actually told people we had broken up and i was stalking him. (news to me as he turned up at my house every other day for sex and we had been in a relationship for five years and hed not mentioned wanting to break up to me)

So overall i think men who call women psychos should be treated with extreme caution. Even if their ex was actually a psycho if they were any sort of decent person they wouldnt be going around telling random people.

Crankycunt · 03/02/2017 17:37

My dp's ex was a malicious lier who got him arrested for sending malicious messages to her, turns out it was her and a friend.

He's also got scars from domestic abuse from her. This has been confirmed from his mum, dad and friends. The reason why this has been confirmed is because she still lives in the same town, and I needed to know that there may be trouble if she sees me with him. They split up two years ago.

When people say that their ex is a psycho usually they're not. But sometimes it's true.

WarwickDavisAsPlates · 03/02/2017 17:38

I have to agree with you, every guy I've dated who had a "psycho ex" was usually a dick (at best) or had sociopathic tendencies.

I'm sure their next girlfriends heard about what a psycho I was as well.

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