Calling female exes "psychos"

[TheLegendOfBeans]

AIBU to have big red flags raised in my mind when a man describes his ex as a "psycho"?

Context: I have two dear friends and they have both got into new relationships. AFAIK all going swimmingly....ish. Problem is the guys both have "psycho" exes and both have kids from the relationship with aforementioned "psychos".

When my friends are all like "yeah, it's all going well, shame his ex is a psycho, apparently she had problem with drugs/drink etc" AIBU to think:

A) "psychos" are not born, they are (usually) made
B) the most "psycho"I've ever been was 100% down to rubbish OHs
C) that - even though I know little - my brain lets out a little "defamation" klaxon when I hear of the psycho ex's drug/drink problems

Please note: I am musing. I'm not away to wade into anyone's relationship here, but I wonder if I'm alone in having klaxons go off in my head about this...basically AIBU.

'my ex was pretty troubled and treated me quite badly, it was all very sad, i hope she gets the help she needs'- decent man.

'My ex was a total psycho'- twat, avoid this man

MrsBlenner, think you've summed up what I was trying to say in the OP in one sentence haha

My psycho (male) ex really is a psycho... threatened to rape me, diagnosed with a schizoaffective personality disorder, displays all the tendencies of a sociopath including extreme sadism and violence (including sexual sadism). Threatened to kill himself to get what he wanted. Narcissistic and a fantasist. Has been let go from numerous jobs for gross misconduct. I used to be really scared of him. I don't like the term 'psycho ex' but he really IS one! Having suffered MH issues myself I don't like the term, or saying people are 'mental' but he is aware of his issues and refuses to get help because it isn't that he doesn't know about his issues- he just doesn't care.

My ex calls me a Psycho. This is because I do insane and unreasonable things like expecting him to look after his sons properly and visit the youngest in hospital. I first became a psycho when I unreasonably ended our marriage due to his behaviour. If all that makes me a psycho then I'll happily wear a tshirt emblazoned with it!!

Yeah I'd be wary of this. Smacks of training the new girlfriend. "My ex is a nutter but you're not like that, you don't give me shit about anything..."

I do know one friend in particular who did have a psycho as an ex, Stalking and such like, to put it mildly.
But it does annoy me when some one describes an ex as a psycho because she got mad at him a lot or cried all the time...when you know, they were cheating on her or something. That's not psychotic, they're being assholes towards her.
My ex described his ex as being a psycho..she slit her wrists when she was with him. After being with him myself, I can see exactly why she was driven to it (seriously). So again, not a psycho, just a bullying, manipulative, cunt of a boyfriend to deal with.

I wanted to post something like this!

My best friend's new boyfriend has been telling her all about his "psycho" ex. My friend is so bloody naive when it comes to stuff like this. It's worrying!

Moomin - I hear you re naïveté.

What annoys me is this: my lovely chums are both the wrong side of 35 to piss about anymore. They both want kids and family life and it saddens me that the beat is seemingly going on. I just want to grab and shake them and yell "HE SAID PSYCHO, BIN HIM IMMEDIATELYYYYYY".

I know I sound like a bit of a psycho now hah

Thecuriousowl but look how much insight you have into his condition and the way you have expressed it? that marks you out as a reasonable compassionate person. I think the OP is talking about men or women who just summarily dismiss their previous partners as 'that fucking psycho' to complete strangers or to new conquests.
Obviously you might call an abusive ex a psycho to your close friends but this is very different to the way some people speak about their previous partners in public.

^ this

my DPs Ex took their prem baby from NICU without telling him changed all the locks on the house they lived in and when he returned from work threw out all his stuff and got her family to beat him up/ stalk him generally treat him like shit. he hadn't cheated on her, he worked all hours to support them and keep a roof over their heads while baby was in NICU, gave her £100's a month and she told her family that he left her without a penny for her own clothes so her family gave her money too. he didnt get to see his DD until she was 3. that is fully pyscho.

(all verified by friends and a now ex friend of mine who turned out to be her cousin who felt very proud that they had made my DP so scared of the threats that he didnt leave the house he was staying at for 3 months)

Yanbu. In fact, I was btiefly seeing someone but the way he spoke about his ex put me right off him. I told him this but he still carried on. He also made a joke about something she did in labour and I ended it pretty much straight after. I just thought he was a disrespectful arsehole after that. He was the type to tell me gow unlike other guys he was. My ex was a cheater but I get along with him for my son and would never slag him off. I may vent on here as it's anonymous or maybe to close family but never to a partner. I'd tell people the reason we broke up was due to him being unfaithful but that was just factual.

MrsBlennerhassett absolutely- sometimes it's worth doing some digging to find out if the 'psycho' really IS one!

I had a row with my OH about this cos he's got a mate whose ex is supposedly 'psycho' and my first reply was 'yeah... but what did he do to make her behave like that'! Because a lot of the time actually 'psycho ex' is just 'she wouldn't accept me cheating or treating her like shit'.

yeah if a guy is saying that without much detail its a real red flag for me. I mean even the term itself sort of sets me on edge because id expect someone to have some level of respect for someone they loved or bore their child even if they had treated them badly (within reason). Of course in some cases theres real reason to call and ex a psycho but actually a lot of the time its not people that have reason to.
I know my ex who seriously assaulted me actually called his ex a psycho. It was actually one of the first thing he said to me 'my ex is a psycho goes round spreading lies about me' Now days i would know that that is a massive massive red flag but at 18 i was just like 'oh dear poor you!'
Of course in the end it transpired hed beaten her up and that what she was 'spreading' was true.

YANBU - I would treat it as a red flag unless I had personally witnessed the behaviour of the 'psycho ex'

Yes, some people will just be bloody unlucky in who they have dated but I would definitely observe additional caution getting to know someone claiming to have a 'psycho ex'

I'd think the same regardless of gender

It's funny though, as a PP said when the ex is

a) male
Or
b) truly deserving of the term

The term "psycho" isn't used so readily i think

Anecdata from both sides of the coin:

My lovely, sweet, shy sister became something of a 'psycho' whilst in an abusive relationship with her loser ex. The change in her was profound but went away almost immediately after she LTB.

A good friend of mine is in a long term relationship with a perfectly nice bloke, who treats her well. His ex genuinely is psychotic and tries her best to stop him having contact with his son, through the medium of malicious lies and false allegations.

Behind every psycho is a total bastard who made her that way.

Well, not every. Some exes are awful. But I often find the term is used by men to describe women who have displayed distress at being treated like shit by them to absolve themselves of responsibility for their behaviour.

"She's not upset because I was a dick to her, she's just fucking mental" kind of thought process.