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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To let DS14 have friends 18+

39 replies

GloriousTeaParty · 29/01/2017 08:09

DS (14 nearly 15) is friends with my friend's son who is just over 3 years older. They've grown up close since my DS was born and the age gap never seemed that big. A few years ago they moved away but stayed in touch. Recently they've moved back and DS and his friend (now 18) have started hanging out again. Today DS went out with this friend and came back and said that they had been with friend to the house of his friend's friend (age 19). They just had snacks and played Xbox. DS came home on time and told me all about it. I mentioned it to DH and he's gone mad saying what am I thinking and that DS will end up drinking and smoking weed and wants to ban them hanging out (friend is good and doesn't smoke weed to my knowledge). AIBU to let them see each other as long as DS behavior stays good?

OP posts:
FauxFox · 29/01/2017 08:20

Of course its fine for them to be friends Confused your DH is being a prat - bad influence friends can be any age, just because this chap is 18 does not make him a druggy loser!

Northernparent68 · 29/01/2017 08:21

I think it's wrong to assume the 18 year old is a bad influence, maybe he's a good influence.

You also need to consider if you ban your son from seeing your friends son, your friend is highly likely to take offence

user1477282676 · 29/01/2017 08:21

I think Faux is naieve. Of course it's a big age gap. I would wonder why an 18 year old was interested in hanging out with such a young boy.

Why hasn't he got any friends his own age...the older boy I mean.

NavyandWhite · 29/01/2017 08:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Devilishpyjamas · 29/01/2017 08:25

My ds2 seems to prefer hanging out with older kids. TBH the ones I know are more sensible, kinder & a better influence than his year 10 same age friends.

Devilishpyjamas · 29/01/2017 08:26

Oh navy - maybe that's it - ds2's older friends are dancers on the whole.

Fairylea · 29/01/2017 08:29

My dd is 14 and I would be shocked and upset if she started hanging around with people aged 18/19. It's a huge gap at that age and I really don't understand why someone of that age would want to hang about with a younger teen - I certainly wouldn't have. Dd is only allowed to add people of her own Year group on social media (unless they are relatives obviously). It's something we feel quite strongly about.

Her best friend, whose parents are not as strict as us, has just started to go out with a 17 year old she started talking to on snapchat and then hanging out with. Totally inappropriate in our opinion.

MargaretCavendish · 29/01/2017 08:33

Ds 17 has always gravitated to older people, male and female. Some of his friends are in their early 30's.

I'm sorry but if I met someone my age who told me that their 'friend' (as opposed to someone they were friendly acquaintances with) was 17, I'd assume that there was something quite wrong with them.

I think OPs situation is a bit different: they grew up together. If he had an 18 year old cousin surely you wouldn't mind them spending time together? However, you probably wouldn't want that cousin taking them to the pub or house parties, so I think it's OK to keep a bit of an eye, but an outright ban seems harsh.

MargaretCavendish · 29/01/2017 08:35

My ds2 seems to prefer hanging out with older kids.

People seem to be saying this like it's an inherently good thing! Would you be pleased to say 'oh, my child has always preferred to be friends with children who are quite a bit younger than him'? Because that's who he's hanging out with...

Original poster
GloriousTeaParty · 29/01/2017 08:37

The thing is that they have been friends for DS's whole life and the gap didn't matter when they were little it's just become more noticeable now but to them they are just carrying on like they always have. The older boy does have his own friends so inevitably DS also will be seeing them. They might notice the gap more and object so it might fizzle out anyway but if there r no problems it seems a bit unfair to complain about an age gap I've never bothered about before

OP posts:
Devilishpyjamas · 29/01/2017 08:38

In navy's case they have a shared interest (music). Same as my son (dance). There's a group he goes to for boys/men ages 14-25 - it's mainly older ones -18+ Wheb they meet up outside the group he goes along. As I said they seem a lot more sensible than his 15 year old friends. More like mentors. I suspect for navy's son it is similar.

NavyandWhite · 29/01/2017 08:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mrsmadevans · 29/01/2017 08:38

Just keep an eye on the relationship my dear, if you call the shots now you will get your son's back up and he will go against you

SmileEachDay · 29/01/2017 08:38

They grew up together - why would they stop hanging out as teens?

When they're in their 30s, 3 years is not a big gap - are they only meant to not see each other whilst they are teens?

OddBoots · 29/01/2017 08:41

They have grown up together, my teenage dc have cousins out of their own age group and they all get along and do stuff together because they have known each other so long. This sounds kind of similar.

Screwinthetuna · 29/01/2017 08:43

I think it's nice when people have friends at different ages. The 18 year old could be a good influence, rather than bad. I would be a little concerned if they were new friends but if your son has known them a long time, I think it would be unfair for you to break up the friendship, for the sake of a 3/4 year difference.

I'd just keep a close eye and warn about drinking etc (although I was drinking at 14 along with the vast majorly of kids in my 150 student year group so they can be just as bad an influence).

BertrandRussell · 29/01/2017 08:45

My ds has older friends through youth theatre. One thing to look out for is that the younger one can be a bit lost when the others go off to university or whatever. Ds was definitely a bit bereft last September. And it can be a problem when there are parties with drink and "coupling up" and so on....

What I'm saying is make sure he has lots of friends his own age too.

FauxFox · 29/01/2017 08:45

user they grew up together!? What are you suggesting? That someone who has been friends with the OPs DS since they were little children has suddenly become some kind of predator because he is 18 Confused good grief!

fishonabicycle · 29/01/2017 08:45

My son used to hang out with our old next door neighbour - he was 3 years older and they started hanging out a bit when my son was 6-7 and carried on occasionally seeing each other until they moved (when son was 13).

Original poster
GloriousTeaParty · 29/01/2017 08:52

Thanks I think the general opinion is let him crack on but keep an eye on it which is what I thought until DH made me think I might be being naieve on it. They all just like to play Xbox I think (would rather it was music or dance but that's what it is). The friend is fine it's just that brings him into an older circle and I don't want him growing up to quick! Will just keep out of it as long as he's not getting into trouble

OP posts:
Devilishpyjamas · 29/01/2017 09:26

Ds2 has older gaming friends as well OP and they're a good influence as well. Ds2's main vice is being a bright but lazy arse at school and his older gaming friends all seem to be doing sensible things at college.

allowlsthinkalot · 29/01/2017 09:58

I think it's a positive to have friends of different ages. And your dh is making massive assumptions about someone based on their age.

You can't really choose your ds's friends for him anyway.

Look at the activity rather than the age of his friends. Playing xbox and eating crisps, yes. Going clubbing or taking drugs, no. With friends of any age!

Floofborksnootandboop · 29/01/2017 10:05

Why hasn't he got any friends his own age...the older boy I mean.

He does... Today DS went out with this friend and came back and said that they had been with friend to the house of his friend's friend (age 19).

Just because an 18 year old is hanging out with one 15 year old that he's been friends with all his life doesn't mean all his friends are 15 year olds or this 15 yo is his only friend does it. Hmm

Ladyformation · 29/01/2017 11:24

Agree that it's totally normal. When I was a child/teenager I spent every minute I wasn't at school at the stables. One of my best friends was four years older than me, another great friend was four years younger. When you have a shared interest/goals etc the age difference doesn't matter to your friendship. Similarly these two grew up together - they probably don't think about it either.

I also think that having a beer with 18 year old mates in a safe place is a much better thing than learning to drink with other 14 year olds

Nanny0gg · 29/01/2017 11:56

Are you happy with him playing 18+ games on the XBox?

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