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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH other children?

26 replies

LadyVampire · 27/01/2017 07:16

I posted before but had this deleted due to uniqueness.

DH child with his ex is IVF baby. They had 2 embryos left over which DH signed over for her to use and hid from me "out of fear of losing me". I told him his choice but I couldn't stay and he said he wanted her to use them.

During that time in 2015 his ex got pg naturally and lost the baby. She told DH she wasn't using their embryos, she was going to stop trying to get pregnant at all. I became pregnant shortly after that.

6 months later she and her own DH were going to Spain and went several more times in the year and turns out for IVF and she is pg.

I asked DH if they were with his and he states he told the clinic he didn't want them using his so they stopped that. This story doesn't match the previous he told me (ie that he can't get involved by clinic and doesn't want to stop it anyway).

I really can't handle the thought that his ex is potentially having his children. Am I being paranoid?

OP posts:
MsGameandWatch · 27/01/2017 07:19

I really think you are. Why would she want your to use your husband's embryos when she has a husband of her own that she must surely want her child to be with?

AlwaysNeverOnTime · 27/01/2017 07:22

No you're definitely not paranoid. I have no idea what I would do in this situation. Do you get on with the ex? Is she aproachable? Maybe you could ask her. I think you need to have a proper conversation with you DH and get him to show you some paperwork to prove the ex can't use the embryo. Surely there must be paperwork involved?

Sorry I don't have any better advice but I do feel feel for you, I wouldn't be able to stop thinking about it either.

Original poster
LadyVampire · 27/01/2017 07:23

She is in her late 40s and had cancer so I think it was that or not having her own.

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Original poster
LadyVampire · 27/01/2017 07:24

No I don't get on with her at all.

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BewtySkoolDropowt · 27/01/2017 07:25

Transferring embryos to another clinic has its risks and reduces the chances of success.

If there were only two embryos and several visits, i'd hazard that even if they did try them, it would probably have been on their first implantation, and the need for further visits would suggest to me that it wasn't successful.

I would also suggest that her new partner would probably want any child to be his.

neonrainbow · 27/01/2017 07:25

Would he have to pay maintenance for them?

witsender · 27/01/2017 07:28

How does it impact you and him practically?

NellWilsonsWhiteHair · 27/01/2017 07:32

So she can't use her own eggs (other than these two embryos already frozen), right?

Sounds to me like she's already tried them on the first/first and second go, it hasn't worked, and she's having donor egg treatment abroad? Or (if I've misunderstood the implications of her cancer) she's having 'normal' IVF using her new partner's sperm.

TBH I don't see what your problem is - she's having a baby with her new partner, you're having one with your current partner. Does it matter whose gametes are where?

I think your issue may stem from him lying to you a long time ago about signing over the embryos to her. That's what you need to decide whether you can get past, IMO.

LemonSqueezy0 · 27/01/2017 07:34

Aside from the massive emotional toll this could take on the (current) relationship, yes she could claim maintenance from cms as they are his children.

Original poster
LadyVampire · 27/01/2017 07:35

I don't know the process of IVF. They went abroad twice I think, about 6 months apart.

New partner definitely wanted his own but I don't think they were able to due to her age and health which is why she asked DH to sign over the ones she had with him.

Legally speaking DH has no rights or responsibilities if they were his but it's still behind my back, he can't just switch off. They'd be my DD half brother and sister if they had been used. Also the fact he lied and said they have been disposed of. I don't believe him at all.

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NellWilsonsWhiteHair · 27/01/2017 07:40

But doesn't your DD already have a half-sibling - the older child from the round of IVF which yielded the frozen embryos?

I can see why you're upset about your partner being dishonest, and I can also see that it might feel a bit weird, but tbh I think it's quite sad you'd prefer to see those embryos destroyed rather than your partner's ex given the chance to have another child with them. Seems wasteful, and from what you've said there aren't any practical repercussions for you.

Original poster
LadyVampire · 27/01/2017 07:40

I have no idea how they did the IVF. I told DH it was his choice what he did with his own but I didn't want to stay if he was going to let her use them.

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Original poster
LadyVampire · 27/01/2017 07:42

It's the emotional side of it Nell. DH would have to see them and not be involved. My DD would miss out with them. I told DH his choice but I don't want to be with someone who is having children/ donating gametes to someone else because it could get complicated. Each to their own.

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Original poster
LadyVampire · 27/01/2017 07:44

Also his ex has a history of weaponising their current child, if DH became attached to the new children then it could happen again.

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Aderyn2016 · 27/01/2017 07:45

The real problem here is that your dh lies to you. I think he does it because it is easier for him that facing the consequences of his choices. It is also massively disrespectful to you and has eaten away at your relationship to the point where you have no trust in what he tells you.

I don't know the history of his divorce or if his exw is a total cow, but on the face of it I think letting her use the embryos was the right thing to do given her medical history. I know I would be totally gutted if I longed for a baby and couldn't have one bur had 2 embryos sitting in storage that I couldn't use.
That said, in your shoes I wouldn't want my dh feeling that he was the father of resulting dc, which is further complicated by the fact that he and exw already haveca child and biologically there is no difference between that child and the ones which may have resulted from the embryos.

I feel for you. You are stuck between a rock and a hard place. You have to decide whether your h's lies are a deal breaker and you have to establish whether these dc are his amd then make some tough choices.

MaudOnceMore · 27/01/2017 07:46

Can you say more about why you don't get on with her at all?

icy121 · 27/01/2017 07:53

You don't know all the facts. You could be fretting about nothing. There's no point wasting mental energy on something which may not be the case.

Lovemusic33 · 27/01/2017 07:53

I think it's more likely that they have used a donner egg and her new partners sperm? Think about it from her new partners point of view, surely he doesn't want the baby to be from her ex's sperm? If there's another way I'm sure they are more likely to do it this way?
I don't know how you can find out what was used?

Penfold007 · 27/01/2017 07:53

He relinquished his rights over the embryos so they became her property. The real problem is the trust in your relationship has been broken. Only you know if you can overcome this hurdle. Your post suggests you can't.

Original poster
LadyVampire · 27/01/2017 07:53

I think that's the thing Aderyn if he had donated to a stranger maybe it would be easier as seeing them would be hard then he'd get emotionally involved or DD would see them and not know they were half siblings. Could get really mess when all kids are older.

His ex doesn't like that I'm an athiest and that I've told her she shouldn't mess DH about when it comes to their child (she randomly bans him seeing their child if she is annoyed with him). She encouraged their LO to write letters about me saying I bully him and took to a solicitor.

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CurriedEggs · 27/01/2017 07:54

I would say that if they're doing the ivf in Spain then there's a strong chance that they're using donor eggs.

Original poster
LadyVampire · 27/01/2017 07:56

I don't know how her own DH felt. Must have been difficult for them if they haven't been able to together.

The trust thing this is the biggest issue but when his ex has done unreasonable things in other areas he just lets her.

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FetchezLaVache · 27/01/2017 08:00

Spain suggests donor egg - apparently over there, donation is completely anonymous and the resulting children have no right to contact the donor. I also agree with PP that her new husband is unlikely to want to use these embyros.

However, I think it's awful that you don't know something as significant as whether or not another woman is about to bring your husband's child into the world, and worse that you clearly can't trust him to tell you the truth.

YouMeddlingKids · 27/01/2017 08:01

If the original embryos were in a clinic in the UK, they would have had ivf in the UK. Going to Spain was almost certainly to use donor eggs.

Original poster
LadyVampire · 27/01/2017 08:03

That's exactly it Fetchez it's the trust too. And lots of other things with his ex that has happened. Our relationship has never been the same.

Original embryos in UK.

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