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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

soooooooooo fucking mad is he bu

30 replies

stealmyhappiness · 25/01/2017 15:05

posting on behalf of my friend, her ex left her unexpectedly whilst she was on maternity mid last year (we think he was cheating but do not have solid proof) he has just told her is is claiming he earns £12,000 a year to csa, it would work out she gets £4 a day for their child. he is self employed and we know he earns more than this, he spends at least £4 a day at starbucks and has the latest unessential technology.

what is annoying me more than anything is he posted on social media he does what he does for his daughter! he is university trained and could earn more than that with no qualifications working at my place on a basic wage! if he did what he did for his daughter surely he should be earning a decent wage to support her rather than doing a low paid job because it is what he enjoys.

i just needed to vent and see if anybody has any suggestions, he sees their child twice a week so she is not withholding access. is he being unreasonable???

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CripsSandwiches · 25/01/2017 15:07

YANBU what a dick head. Obviously you can't do anything beyond supporting your friend but I would be raging on her behalf too!

TheNaze73 · 25/01/2017 15:11

He sounds like a twat. Morally though, if he's happy in his job, I don't see why he change it but, it sounds like a dodg to me

TheMysteriousJackelope · 25/01/2017 15:13

Would he pay taxes on his income, or is a lot of it earned under the table? If she thinks he is earning more than he is declaring for the purposes of child support then perhaps her lawyer could request his tax records.

VeryBitchyRestingFace · 25/01/2017 15:17

what is annoying me more than anything is he posted on social media he does what he does for his daughter!

What do you think he means by that?

Is the low pay a trade off for better, child friendly hours that give him the opportunity to see more of her?

Original poster
stealmyhappiness · 25/01/2017 15:17

thank you for the advice i will tell her to do that, she is not yet divorced. yes she thinks that is what he is doing, she knows he earned more when they were together but he still could have been getting paid cash and being frivalous on his long lunch breaks, she saved and he bought what he wanted and she was the bread winner.

yes morally i understand however dont say you do what you do for your daughter if you really do it for yourself.

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Original poster
stealmyhappiness · 25/01/2017 15:21

verybitchrestingface - no he works silly hours where he starts work very early, has time off in the day in the city centre to do what he enjoys on his own or with friends then back to work to not return home until his daughter would be in bed, he works weekends too. my friend works in a school so she can spend school holidays with her daughter, she puts her to bed and works hard until midnight - she is the one who does what she does for her daughter Angry

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VeryBitchyRestingFace · 25/01/2017 15:25

Oh right, well that sounds mad then.

And probably not commensurate with £12k pa.

PurpleMinionMummy · 25/01/2017 15:31

Does he run as a sole trading business or a limited company? If it's the latter, ask the csa to take into account any potential dividend payments.

Ilovecaindingle · 25/01/2017 15:35

Is he bragging about a good wage on social media? Tax fraud help line are keen to know details of fb and other places people post 'real finance details'. If she has screen shots of any sort of info for her solicitors would be useful too.

thethoughtfox · 25/01/2017 15:36

If he is registered as a company and contracts himself out, he can earn silly money but only technically pay himself minimum wage which is what he sounds like. Is he in the computer/ software world?

SaorAlbaGuBrath · 25/01/2017 15:37

My XH is one of those. Plenty of bullshit FB posts about his kids, when in reality he provides nothing for them in terms of support, financially, emotionally, in terms of education or medically. It sickens me. He drops my son whenever it suits him and picks him up when it suits him.
Only words of comfort I can offer is that my son is beginning to see his dad for what he is, but because he's got a solid foundation at home and in our immediate family, he's coping amazingly well.

TheMysteriousJackelope · 25/01/2017 15:38

Her lawyer should probably ask for his income statements and tax records for the past few years. The judge may give permission for a forensic accountant to go through his finances. That could cost money though so she needs to consider the implications of fees and who will pay for it in the event of success or failure.

If there is a sudden change just around the time of the breakup, hopefully they can argue that it demonstrates exactly what you suspect, that he is salting money away secretly.

SquinkiesRule · 25/01/2017 15:41

Get lots of screen shots. They can prove tax evasion when the lifestyle doesn't match the income. Says he earns £12,000 and runs a £40,000 car, spending money on holidays, buying a house worth much more etc etc.

TheresABluebirdOnMyShoulder · 25/01/2017 15:44

I'm not sure about the argument that it would be immoral to expect him to change a job he loves because it's low paid. I think that if you have the ability and qualifications to command a high salary then you ought to ensure that you are in a job that allows you to pay at least a realistic sum towards your child's upbringing. It's not OK to chuck your ex £4 a day so that you can stay in a job for the love of it. Why should your child have to pay the price for your decisions? Maybe it would be different if it was about spending time with her but that doesn't seem to be the case.

MsGameandWatch · 25/01/2017 15:49

Yes maybe Mum should get a job she loves too no matter how low the pay. I guess benefits can make up the shortfall....

Lemon12345 · 25/01/2017 15:50

You really could be talking about someone I know, only minus the marriage, uni and early morning parts.

These people see themselves as wonderful parents, doing the best for the kids and there is nothing you can do to convince them otherwise. Maybe they are doing better than their parents so that's why they think they're so great... Or maybe they are just so up their own arses they can't see daylight. Either way if it's not getting put though his tax records then it's going to be impossible to prove unless he can be caught out not declaring money which will get him into some right (probably well deserved) shit anyway.

TheMysteriousJackelope · 25/01/2017 16:03

TheresABlueBird I have a nasty feeling that the enjoyment of his job comes from being able to stiff his ex on the child support rather than the thrill of how he spends his days. I think the concern is not so much he has a low paying job, but that he actually has a well paying job but is hiding the money in some way.

leojohnsmummy · 25/01/2017 16:08

yes he is being a total dickhead! men these days seem to think that making a child is them being a father! well no mate to be a father you need to provide for you family regardless whats happened and the relationship you have with their mother, you children come first in EVERYTHING!

go and get a better job or stop buy things you don't need and give that money to your kids! people like this make me sick, single mums struggle for no reason all because the man would rather spend money on crap he doesn't need and could damn well go without

why should his kids go without when he doesn't, his kids should be the first thing he thinks about when he gets paid, buying stuff for himself should be the last thing he thinks about!

THE MAN DOESN'T DESERVE HIS KIDS! their are people out there that would love to have kids but can't and then theres these people who have kids but don't care about them. makes me sick! Angry

leojohnsmummy · 25/01/2017 16:08

yes he is being a total dickhead! men these days seem to think that making a child is them being a father! well no mate to be a father you need to provide for you family regardless whats happened and the relationship you have with their mother, you children come first in EVERYTHING!

go and get a better job or stop buy things you don't need and give that money to your kids! people like this make me sick, single mums struggle for no reason all because the man would rather spend money on crap he doesn't need and could damn well go without

why should his kids go without when he doesn't, his kids should be the first thing he thinks about when he gets paid, buying stuff for himself should be the last thing he thinks about!

THE MAN DOESN'T DESERVE HIS KIDS! their are people out there that would love to have kids but can't and then theres these people who have kids but don't care about them. makes me sick! Angry

leojohnsmummy · 25/01/2017 16:08

yes he is being a total dickhead! men these days seem to think that making a child is them being a father! well no mate to be a father you need to provide for you family regardless whats happened and the relationship you have with their mother, you children come first in EVERYTHING!

go and get a better job or stop buy things you don't need and give that money to your kids! people like this make me sick, single mums struggle for no reason all because the man would rather spend money on crap he doesn't need and could damn well go without

why should his kids go without when he doesn't, his kids should be the first thing he thinks about when he gets paid, buying stuff for himself should be the last thing he thinks about!

THE MAN DOESN'T DESERVE HIS KIDS! their are people out there that would love to have kids but can't and then theres these people who have kids but don't care about them. makes me sick! Angry

Original poster
stealmyhappiness · 25/01/2017 16:12

thank you everyone, mainly just needed to vent for her, i will advise her to speak to her solicitor and see what they say. i dont think she would mind so much about the money as she earns enough to support her daughter but the fact he is portraying himself as a good parent.
the thing is from her perspective and everyone around they had the perfect relationship so its really hard for her to get her head around the change in him.

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PyongyangKipperbang · 25/01/2017 16:17

Maybe start replying to his posts with "Yeah, you care so much about your daughter that you lie to the CSA about your income so you dont have to support her properly" Shame him!

Original poster
stealmyhappiness · 25/01/2017 16:17

well after a quick social media search he has admitted he has paid "too much" for a golf membership.

the baby was conceived through IVF after a 13 year relationship because HE struggled to have children, my friend ended up in hospital due to a reaction to the treatment and then he walks out within the first year of the babies life. she is left paying the mortgage whilst on maternity leave RAAAHHHH it makes me so mad, he has also posted that his friends will know how hard the last 6 months have been for him... does he think its been a walk in the park for my friend then. this is all on his work account. he gets at the most 6 likes for his posts which does make me laugh though

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FatOldBag · 25/01/2017 16:19

Why don't you point out exactly what he does "for his daughter" on his social media posts. He might learn to shut up if someone always posts the truth in response to his bullshit.

Original poster
stealmyhappiness · 25/01/2017 16:25

fatoldbag i wish i could however i dont want to make things more difficult for my friend, ultimately if i did he could make things harder for her, he could go to court for 50/50 access etc. i really want to though. he has blocked me on his personal account but this is his works one

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