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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to spend this much money?

44 replies

ellalouise123 · 24/01/2017 15:10

Long story short, one of DH's old friends is getting married at the end of the year abroad. We both work in schools/universities but it is in Oct half term. However the flights are a lot more expensive than we had anticipated and the location is in the middle of nowhere, meaning we have to spend more money traveling. The venue is also expensive to stay at. What I thought might cost a couple of hundred pounds to go to is now ending up looking like it's going to be about £600. AIBU to not want to spend this?

We have said yes in theory, although they know we haven't looked at actually booking anything yet. It is one of DH's old friends who he sees relatively frequently, however I have only met the bride a couple of times and wont know anyone else attending. Also I am assuming they will expect a present too!?

I don't know, I know full well I'm being a bit selfish as it isn't a close friend of mine, so don't want to outright say no to DH. I think if I broach the possibility not going, he will say 'well we have to it's Steve' etc. AIBU to say 'Okay you want to go, it's your friend, but what is the maximum amount of money you'd be happy spending to see him marry?' or do I have to suck it up because we've essentially said we'll attend?

OP posts:

Pringle2628 · 24/01/2017 15:14

I think I'd just make the most of it being a holiday for yourself aswell.

Plus if it was your friend and your husband barely knew them and said it was abit expensive, although I'm sure you'd listen to him it wouldn't put you off going if you wanted to be there.

DJBaggySmalls · 24/01/2017 15:14

Its ridiculous. Would you give them a wedding gift of £600?

Ilovecaindingle · 24/01/2017 15:16

Can dh go on his own?

TheNaze73 · 24/01/2017 15:16

Would you spend it, if it was one of your old friends? Is it the fact it's DH that's slanting your view?

Original poster

ellalouise123 · 24/01/2017 15:22

DJBaggySmalls That's how I'm viewing it, I wouldn't expect anyone to have paid £600 to see me and DH marry.

TheNaze73 I wouldn't personally spend it to see anyone but close family marry but I am acutely aware that I'm being a bit mercenary because it's not a friend of mine.

OP posts:

Original poster

ellalouise123 · 24/01/2017 15:23

Pringle Yeah I am looking at waiting to see if the flights go down in price and maybe making a mini holiday out of it. I want to go for DH's sake and would like it all to work out well but it just seems a lot of cost and effort at the moment.

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Spam88 · 24/01/2017 15:34

I can totally see where you're coming from. I went to a wedding abroad a couple of years back, during summer holidays so the flights alone cost us £800. Although the wedding was of course lovely, I had an absolutely miserable week and we ended up spending several more hundred pounds on getting rid of the bedbugs that we brought back from the shitty hotel. I'm still a little bitter, if you can't tell. It's all very well saying make a holiday of it, but if it's somewhere you wouldn't choose to go on holiday yourself then it basically just means you don't get to have a holiday that year.

NickyEds · 24/01/2017 15:35

Can you afford it? The if we could afford it and dp really wanted to go I would make it a holiday and go. No way would I spend that kind of money if we were in any way struggling for cash though.

wifework · 24/01/2017 15:36

Is it a nice place? Can you stay elsewhere i.e. not the venue?

I think it has to be DH's call really. Could he go alone (and would it be cheaper)?

Original poster

ellalouise123 · 24/01/2017 15:39

Thanks guys. We can technically afford it but like someone else said, that would have to be our holiday, we wouldn't be able to afford a second trip anywhere. I wouldn't like DH to go alone so if we do go, we'd both go. I'll have a word with him tonight and see how keen he is to go, I know he was surprised when he found out how much it would cost. Wanted to double check I wasn't just being a selfish bitch!

OP posts:

Whathaveilost · 24/01/2017 15:41

I would look at it as a holiday with a wedding in the middle of it!
I'd make the most of the time there and find other things to do as well as attend a wedding.

expatinscotland · 24/01/2017 15:44

Fuck that. I wouldn't go.

sonyaya · 24/01/2017 15:44

I think if you wouldn't spend it for one of your friends YANBU not to spend it for your DH's. Sounds like you are conscious of this so fair play to you.

Not wanting to spend £500 to attend a wedding is totally reasonable. I would hope the B&G will understand that their choice to get married abroad, while fair enough and their choice to make, may mean some people aren't able to come.

I very much see weddings as an invitation is a gesture that it would be lovely to see anyone who can attend but with no expectation that anyone will if its too difficult. However I know it is not always that simple because lots of couples do take offence if people decline - "isn't our wedding worth £500 to you?" Etc.

What does your DH think? Does he want to go because it's his friend or is he worried about the reaction if you decline?

SparkleShinyGlitter · 24/01/2017 15:44

How friendly is your DH with them? If they are really good friends and money wasn't an issue I'd pay it but if they see each other once a year I wouldn't want too. It's it was a friend of mine it would be the same answer

Could your dh go alone? For a shorter time? You could go away on your own too

EssentialHummus · 24/01/2017 15:44

See what you can do to make it cheaper. Alternative hotels? Is there a smaller airport nearby you can fly into, with cheaper flights?

Beyond that it's up to you and DH to figure out if you'd enjoy it after shelling out so much money.

Personally, I now only go to weddings abroad if the couple live in / have a connection to that country. I.e. a wedding in Madrid because the bride is from there, fine; a wedding in Las Vegas because the bride and groom felt like it, good luck to them but I'm not joining in.

Crunchymum · 24/01/2017 15:46

Do you have kids?

If not can you book one flight out of the half term week? So either go early and have a bit of break before or leave a bit later and have a break after the wedding?

You can find cheaper accommodation, and have a few days there before (or after) the wedding? Make it more cost effective.

Where is the wedding? What country? I'm sure you can make it a trip and then have the wedding in the middle?

PotteringAlong · 24/01/2017 15:46

Why wouldn't you like your DH to go alone?

Original poster

ellalouise123 · 24/01/2017 15:47

sonyaya I think that's it, I would never expect anyone to spend that much to come to ours. I would have been mortified to ask people to! I do think DH is worried that in saying no he would offend his friend. Need to make sure he's not just saying yes to be polite.

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SingingInTheRainstorm · 24/01/2017 15:47

Another option is DP goes by themselves, you stay at home, reducing the overall cost. You don't sound that fussed about going. If you can't afford £600 or if you'll miss out on a holiday as budget is spent on the wedding, if you don't enjoy it you'll be pretty miserable & not the best company.

I thought tradition was, if you're going to choose crazy location to get married, even in the UK, the bride & groom pay for travel at least, then all you have to worry about is accommodation.

In fact I've known a few weddings where a bus has been put on for the guests, ferry fares have been sorted too, as the happy couple included a bride who came from a different country and wanted to get married there. Saying that though, both sets of parents are quite well off.

Still I understand it's a close friend, but that doesn't mean you both have to go. It doesn't mean either you have to go, if they've chosen somewhere that makes it a logistical / financial nightmare & they're not even offering a coach or group booking with an airline to save you money.

DP might be upset, but that's why couples who get married abroad, generally have a party closer to home, for those who couldn't celebrate with them. Have they at least organised something like that, or is it solely a wedding abroad and that's it?

Original poster

ellalouise123 · 24/01/2017 15:51

PotteringAlong Oh I wouldn't mind if he went alone, I just think he'd rather I went with him.

EssentialHummus That's my thoughts - this is just a wedding in another country because they felt like it. If I'd done the same, I wouldn't have expected anyone to shell out that much. We'll try have a look and see if we can get it cheaper.

Will have a look tonight at flying separately and seeing if there is a resort nearby that's less expensive. As I said - I'd love for this to work out so that we could go and it not break the bank.

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BarbaraofSeville · 24/01/2017 15:51

If the wedding is somewhere out of the way that's expensive to get to, you wont' be the only guests who have been invited but dont' go due to it not being affordable, not being able to get time off work, or just not being a good use of money.

Is there a particular reason that the wedding is where it is, or is it 'just because'. Is it in somewhere where you could make it into a nice holiday?

Redpony1 · 24/01/2017 15:52

I wouldn't go to a wedding abroad even if it was my best friend or family. I'd never expect people to spend on more than an outfit and a card seeing me get married so there is no way i am spending out £100's to see someone else marry.

Jinxxx · 24/01/2017 15:52

Depending where it is, I'd be tempted to make a main holiday of it, taking in the wedding at beginning, middle or end. Does it have to be flights or could you make it a ferry/driving holiday and do a few stopovers? Half term flights are expensive but prices drop right off a couple of days each side.

Original poster

ellalouise123 · 24/01/2017 15:54

Thanks guys - sorry I was trying to reply to everyone's questions.

It's abroad 'just because'. Will have a word with DH tonight and see if he'd go alone if he's that bothered. I'm not that bothered, you're right, not out of meanness, just because they're not particularly my friends. But if DH really wants to go and spend that much then I'll try sort it so that I can go with him.

I do agree though that other people who have gotten married abroad and expected lots of people to go, usually subsidise some of it or put on transport. Not that I expect it!

OP posts:

caffelatte100 · 24/01/2017 15:59

Would you out yourself if you said where it was? Is it a nice place to go and one that you want to go to?

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