Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My SIL has, once again decided to turn up without asking me first

50 replies

fairysnuff · 24/02/2007 22:59

Excuse my anger, I am just trying to release, but I have just recieved an email from my SIL (DH side, his Brothers wife) who informed me, mid sentence that she intends to come up to us for DD birthday.
She did the same thing for the birth and I was VVV angry then. Incase I was late, I did not want her hanging around waiting and making me tense.
As it turned out they arrive the day after so all was well. But that is not what annoys me. It is the assumption that it is ok, just because they are not asking to stay with us does not mean that you should not check first, does it???
I mean what if we intended to take her away?
Has she (SIL) ever stopped to think she is not welcome?
Because she is fast becoming not so.
OOh Angry!

OP posts:
AngharadGoldenhand · 24/02/2007 23:01

Email back and say you're taking her out for the day?

LowFatMilkshake · 24/02/2007 23:05

I can always find fault with my SIL - but when I speak to her I always warm to her and forget why I was cross.

It's not nice when people just descend on you, but try to remember she's doing it for your DD

Saturn74 · 24/02/2007 23:06

It would have been polite to check first, but I suppose if you had made other plans then she would just not come?
Perhaps because they are family they just assume that you think they would want to visit?
TBH, I can't really see the problem if she is not staying at your house, and you are not going away - could you not just invite her over for an hour or two?
Is she really not welcome - does your husband dislike her?
I think it is nice that an aunty wants to see her niece on her birthday, TBH.
If, however, the woman is a monumental pain, then you need to tell her that it not convenient for her to visit.

Original poster
fairysnuff · 24/02/2007 23:07

LOL good suggestion.
But the thing is, PIL will prob be coming up anyway so I don't actualy have aprob with themcoming up, it is just that it is only manners to Ask first!!

She tried to bribe me the email contained the offer, or rather the gift of a slide for DD, and that was why her travelling plans were even mentioned!!!

OP posts:
tatt · 24/02/2007 23:08

she probably thinks its important to celebrate birthdays and that your child will like getting an extra present. If it's really inconvenient say that. It's better than having relatives who show no interets in your child at all.

Unless this woman is very unpleasant to you then yes you are being unreasonable.

Saturn74 · 24/02/2007 23:09

Erm...she sounds quite nice!

Original poster
fairysnuff · 24/02/2007 23:10

But to assume?
I would never make plans that involved others without checking their plans first and/or asking if it was ok for me to turn up?

OP posts:
snowleopard · 24/02/2007 23:14

When some people do stuff like this it gets right on my nerves (eg my sister) and with others I love it - so I wonder if the reason you're angry about this is that you just don't like her, or think she has some other agenda?

tatt · 24/02/2007 23:18

she's e-mailed you, not just turned up. Would have been politer to ask but families aren't usually polite to each other. Are you an only child who hates this woman?

Original poster
fairysnuff · 24/02/2007 23:21

Sorry?
Are you an only child who hates this woman?
I don't understand the reason for the question?

It's not that she is coming that really bothers me, though I do admit, I am not her biggest fan.
It is the way she puts it.

OP posts:
mysonsmummy · 24/02/2007 23:32

so tell her - otherwise she dont know shes doing it so cant stop even if she wants to.

gingermonkey · 24/02/2007 23:36

I love my SIL (DH's brother's wife) and they are hopefully buying the house next door but one to me. Mind you, I am not so keen on other BIL's girlfriend so I can see your point, Fairy . My mother does the same thing as your SIL, and that just winds me up no end!!!!!! (Families are a pain in the arse, aren't they?!)

2shoesisinvisible · 24/02/2007 23:39

i would love it if my SIL took the trouble to just turn up. think your self lucky she must like you

Original poster
fairysnuff · 25/02/2007 00:08

So, ok if I am being unreasonable, which I accept I am a little (yes it is nice that she wants to come, and that she is giving us a slide (she seems to have bought 2 and is offloading one), though she asked me to pay for the signing dvd and would not lend me anything else at all, who knows why?) How do you tell someone that you would like them to ASK you before they make plans that concern and include you, without offending them ireparebly (sp! sorry!)?
I think it would be held (understandably) against me if I say the wrong thing, hence coming on here for advice

OP posts:
Original poster
fairysnuff · 25/02/2007 00:09

Sorry if I sound stroppy, no-one likes to be thought of as being poopy!

OP posts:
Saturn74 · 25/02/2007 00:15

You don't sound stroppy, but I think - as with most things to do with family politics - the situation is more complex than your OP describes!

tatt · 25/02/2007 09:41

only child = little experience of how rude families can be to each other. We've experienced far worse from our families. My in-laws expect us to visit at holiday times but will never make arrangements until the last minute. They don't seem to appreciate how difficult that makes it for us because we have to make arrangements with friend too.

"who hates this woman" - most people would be pleased that family wanted to be around for a child's birthday. So it seems pretty obvious you don't like her.

I can't think of an easy way to say you'd rather be asked without making it clear that you don't actually see your kids uncle and aunt as part of the family. You can say you had other plans. Even that will make you seem like you don't want to have family around at birthdays unless they live so far away you couldn't expect them to visit. Or you could say something like don't feel you have to be here on their birthday, we can see you another time.

northerner · 25/02/2007 10:06

I take offence actually to this only child chestnut you are spouting.

So only children have no idea about families? Errr, do they not have mothers, fathers, aunts, uncles, cousisns etc?

Original poster
fairysnuff · 25/02/2007 11:13

I actually come from a family of four children with extended family as well, so quite a large family really and I know that None of us would ever presume to just drop in on any of the others with out phoning first to confirm that our plans fit in with theirs. Also, all other sections of my in law family would call first, it is just SIL who feels she does not have to.

Hate is an awfully strong word, one which I have never felt the need to use for anyone no matter how much I may have disliked them.
I do not hate my SIL I just feel that she is being (again) inconsiderate and a little selfish to not even have considered that her plans may not fit with mine.

I do think of her and her uncle as part of my family (what an awfult thing to insinuate, that I don't, V offended!)
I have just been brought up in a family where we belive that 'manners maketh man', so I have come to expect them in others.

Again, it is not that they are not welcome. So I an not saying that I do not want them around for birthdays, just that I would like her (SIL)to check with me before she makes plans that include me and mine.

I don't feel that is too much to ask.

OP posts:
Rhian101 · 25/02/2007 11:39

I don't think you're being unreasonable, this would annoy me. If this is something that is bothering you, you should tell her. Just say in the nicest possible way that you're so pleased they could come, but would they mind calling first next time, not just e-mailing, to discuss it and make sure their plans fit in with everyone elses.

Astrophe · 25/02/2007 12:10

I can imagine this being annoying, but can also imagine doing as your SIL is doing! Eeek! I can imagine being excited about my neices b'day (not that I have one!) and wanting to see her... I think I would check, but maybe if I was excited I'd forget? maybe in your SIL's family they tend to just drop 'round?

Its a tough one. Could you say "We love you coming 'round, but you'd better make sure you check next time because we were thinking of taking DD to the zoo today, and if we had have done that you would have missd us"...or similar?

DizzyBint · 25/02/2007 12:35

why not just email back and say 'we're not sure what we're doing for her birthday yet, can we let you know our plans first?' i don't think that's rude.

mummylin2495 · 25/02/2007 12:47

i personally dont expect any of my family to have to ask if its ok to come over,they are all welcome at any time,we are all the same but if anyone comes and i am not in it dosent matter at all.yes sometimes house is bit untidy but so what its family !!

wannaBeWhateverIWannaBe · 25/02/2007 13:09

sorry but I think you are being unreasonable, are overreacting, and need to chill out.

the woman emailed to say she was planning to visit on your dd's birthday. she didn't turn up uninvited at your door, she informed you of her intention to visit you. If you're not available, then she has given you ample time to tell her that it won't be convenient as you're planning to do x or y, but your post implies that she should ask permission to visit, which IMO is all too formal, they are family fgs. do you not have friends you visit at a moment's notice? do you not have friends you meet up with for an impropmptu coffee?

I'm sorry but I just couldn't live my life having to be asked for permission for people to visit, yes of course one asks if it's ok if they intend to stay, but she doesn't even want to stay, she wants to see her niece on her birthday - what is wrong with that.

give the woman a break.

juicychops · 25/02/2007 13:22

sorry but i agree with wannabe. She just wants to see your dd on her birthday and she gave you the opportunity to tell her if you had other plans

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.