My SIL has, once again decided to turn up without asking me first

[fairysnuff]

Excuse my anger, I am just trying to release, but I have just recieved an email from my SIL (DH side, his Brothers wife) who informed me, mid sentence that she intends to come up to us for DD birthday.
She did the same thing for the birth and I was VVV angry then. Incase I was late, I did not want her hanging around waiting and making me tense.
As it turned out they arrive the day after so all was well. But that is not what annoys me. It is the assumption that it is ok, just because they are not asking to stay with us does not mean that you should not check first, does it???
I mean what if we intended to take her away?
Has she (SIL) ever stopped to think she is not welcome?
Because she is fast becoming not so.
OOh Angry!

If my family were local then I might expect an impromptu visit, but they are all very far away (excluding my mum, who always calls first). Mostly over 200miles.
It just makes sense, if you are travelling that far, to make sure that those plans fit in with those you are visiting.

Maybe I am a bit formal, but I don't have friends I would just pop and see, I always call first but true.
The only one I might land upon unannounced is my mum and I generally check with her as to where she might be over the next few days every time I leave her, no point in traipsing DD over there to find her out.

I know though, exsaperated (sp?) sigh, I am normally so chilled but this woman just seems to rub me up the wrong way at times

I hadn't even thought about DD's birthday yet!? Now I feel I am being bulldozed into making my plans to suit SIL's plans. Which is not really a problem as they probably would be including her anyway but I would like the freedom to make the plans without the bulldozing, unintentional of her though it may be???

I wonder sometimes if my DH's family doesn't feel this way about me sometimes to. I am very organized so am always trying to see what people are doing ahead of time. I don't mean to put pressure on people its just the way I am. For instance Mother;s day is next month. I need to know from my SIL what she is planning with her mom so I can plan something for DH's mom around that. I plan ahead so I need to know but I could tell she was a bit miffed. For goodness sake I'm only asking so she and my BIL can see both moms. My point is I can see her side a bit. She is just trying to organise things ahead of time. If you don't know what you are doing yet just tell her.

i can see where you are coming from. I like people to ask if it ok to visit not just say we are coming on X date.

The day after dd2 was born my FIl announced that he, my SIL and her boyfriend were all coming to visit that fri. not would it be ok if, just that they WERE coming. We said well actually it would be better for us they came a week later (we had a copy of SIL shift patterns and knew this would be ok, FIL doesn't work). They said sorry no can have already booked hotel. It really annoyed me. DH ended up having a row with FIL but they still couldn't understand that we might like a say in who visits when after the birth.

Thats exactly what SIl did with me katzg!
I think that is why I am so wound up about it this time. Because this is not the first time she has made her plans and said, oh well sorry if they don't fit with you but we are doing it anyway
And I am just like what do you mean I am not smiling!!

I really can't see what a big deal this is?

You was sent an email telling you when she was coming which obviously then gave you the chance to say yes or no.

I mean would you prefer she remembered your dc's birthday or not?

Urm -- the only child thing ... bit too easy a default that one. But hey, I am going to be defensive cos I am one ... but I do have a massive family ... all who lived within minutes of me growing up so please don't dismiss us one-ers as unable to relate ... (nor as spoiled, selfish, bladibla that we always get chucked at us ...)

Please! Ta.

Anyway, off my defensive soapbox and to the OP

Be it SIL/neighbour/great auntie Frannie/a cold-caller salesperson ... it IS irritating when someone acts as tho their plans eclipse yours and your opinion is not saought/considered ... which it sounds to me is what is actually happening to bug you

and it is not unreasonable to be bothered by that

As for the etiquette thing well people have different levels of manners you're are q formal (mine too) and so someone who has a different (lower/less formal) level is always going to bug you ... even if they truly don't mean it

I reckon best solution is to laugh at yourself and say, 'god I'm just such a stickler for formal arrangements etc aren't I ... I must be a nightmare!' and then be clear about how you PREFER things to be

IYKWIM

GINGERMONKEY ... I am sure that I know you ... do you live in Kent?

Oh -- fastidious tho I am ... I have managed to get it across that I am not a 'surprise' person ... translation, please don't ever just turn up!

I managed that without offending by explaing ... I just want to be ready for you and make the most of /our time together, not be distracted ...

perhaps you could try that kind of angle in the future

You know -- I bet she REALLY dosn't realise how much this bugs you and would prob be mortified if she thought she was upsetting you

cheesy management speak here -- but it sounds like this is a communication problem

Oh thank you Donnylass, you have made my opinion clear to me even

I will have to think on how to say that the right way. As you can tell, I sometimes word things a lot harsher than I mean them to sound. DH is always telling me off
But I think to laugh at myself would be good, I am not bad at doing that. You get used to it!!!

But thank you all for allowing me my rant. I am calm now, I can see it from both points and realise that I may be a stickler for my formalities but heh, that is me
Now I just need to somehow express this to SIL so as she knows how I feel but realises it is not meant to be a personal slight against her.

And that she is more thank welcome for DD birthday

HURRAH -- good for you ...glad you're on the way to getting it sorted.

And you know what ... you (and me arf arf) are allowed to be sticklers for formality .. as long as we realise that other people may not live up to our expectations ... and that we will likely be 'below standard' in a gazillion other things that bug other people/press their buttons!

There are worse things to be than a teensy bit uppity () ... s'not like we're drug dealers nor nuffink!!!!!!

Have a fun birthday with dd ...

Zombie thread from 2007

@xxAbbieC this thread is 15 years old! The OP is probably long gone.

You could start your own thread for some support?

Wow. This post is ancient.

You’re being ridiculous. She hasn’t just turned up, she’s let you know in advance that she’s planning to come to visit for your child’s birthday, you can then let her know if that’s convenient or not.

I can’t imagine a world in which this would be an issue for me. My MIL did similar for my sons birthday (not my DPs child so not even her grandchild) and she was welcomed with open arms. I visit my friends in another part of the country ever summer and just give them the dates I’m planning on being around and they can let me know if it works for them or not. Never involves staying with them so it’s not an imposition.

I assume you just don't like her, rather than her not asking first (technically she is giving you notice). That's fine, but call it what it is.

Oh FFS, just replied to a zombie thread. Why do weirdos dig these up?

So she wants to see her niece on her birthday and her only crime is not asking in the right way? If so YABVU. Is there more to the story?

I'm the other side of the coin. I am a SIL and always politely waited for invited to the children's birthday parties/celebrations and they never came. This has culminated in my nephew graduating a few weeks ago and I only got told an hour before the ceremony that it was happening. It hurts.

Funnily enough though when the telephone always worked when there was a need for childcare as the kids were growing up.

I guess with families you just can't win, whatever is done - there's always someone who feels slighted/annoyed by something or other.

Isn't that essentially what she's doing, even if that's not how she's worded it. Is there any real difference in saying "we're thinking for coming, is that OK?" and "we're coming". In both she's given you the opportunity to say sorry that's not convenient.

I think it's just different family dynamics. In my family, we would invite ourselves for special occasions and be pleased that people wanted to be involved. In DH's family people wait to be invited and worry about whether they're really wanted.

You know I always read threads like this and I can't help but think you are very lucky to have family who want to see your children. Imagine having no one want to come? Just imagine that for a second - no one. I know I would forgive an assumption if it meant someone actually cared enough. I think you need to remind yourself how lucky you are. If you are around then no problems. In terms of talking to you SIL just mention that it might be best if she checks first just in case your away or busy that weekend and you wouldn't want her to lose out money wise. But I would also thank her for obviously caring and how lucky your daughter is to have her in her life.

@xxAbbieC this is at least the second thread from 2007 that you have revived this morning.

My mil has always done this, messages me saying ‘we are coming on x date to see you’ and it used to do my head in as I often had stuff on and it was the assumption I was sitting here with nothing to do but in the end I just accepted that while this is not the usual approach to making a plan for most people, I dealt with it exactly how I normally would and responded with either, ‘great, see you then’ or ‘can’t do that date but these ones would work’ it is way more relaxed now but I totally understand your frustration. The best thing was actually letting my husband deal with it.

She has told you in advance, she hasn't 'asked you' is what you seem to be objecting to. If she had prefaced the notification with 'is it alright if?' would that have been acceptable?
I think it is just a matter of how she put it, and if it hadn't been in an email, but in a phone conversation, it might have been in a questioning voice.
It seems as though you are just stropping over nothing, if it is inconvenient, then tell her, or does she have to wait for a written invitation, or leave a calling card, to satisfy your high standards of politeness.

This thread is from 2007....

Abbie is reviving old threads, she just did the one about Mother’s Day cards too. Weird

Just realised this thread is so old, calling cards might have been in vogue😂