Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask DH to cut down his hobbies?

48 replies

PotatoField · 23/01/2017 14:50

DH is very active, he has sports hobbies 5 or 6 evenings a week, sometimes meaning he’s not home until after 9pm when you add in travel, a wash etc. I don’t mind this too much as he loves it, he does still help out with housework and we do get plenty time together at the weekend. Plus I get to watch all my rubbish TV shows in peace!

We are excepting our 1st child soon so I have told asked him to cut these down once baby is here. I don’t expect him to stop doing everything (I actually think that would make him really unhappy) but what is a reasonable amount?
Do any of you have sporty husbands? How much do they do a week?

I know I am not BU to ask him to cut down, but I want to know how much of a cut back is a reasonable ask?

OP posts:
gamerchick · 23/01/2017 14:52

What did he say when you brought it up?

gamerchick · 23/01/2017 14:53

I mean had the thought already occurred to him or was it a surprise?

TheNaze73 · 23/01/2017 14:55

Think you need to look at a compromise, especially if having a child was a joint idea.

Ilovecaindingle · 23/01/2017 14:56

Surely he will want to be more than a week end dad? Ask him how he expects the' new routine' to pan out when the baby arrives?

Original poster
PotatoField · 23/01/2017 14:57

I just said it as a comment in among a conversation about something else so we've not fully discussed it yet. So at the time he just gave a "hmm..." and we carried on with what we were talking about.

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 23/01/2017 14:57

Dh and I are both sporty. Both same amount ish as your dh, plus half a day each weekends. That was pre dc.

After pfb, we had to split it up fairly. So, our 5 nights a week each, became 2 nights a week each. Our 4 or so hours in a weekend has to be done at different times.

I'm sure he realises things will change once his baby is here?

scottishdiem · 23/01/2017 14:58

It depends on how much you want him to help with the newborn and when you want things done around the house (e.g. DP and I disagree on when house work should be done, not that it needs and gets done). If you are going to BF how do you want him to do any night feeding? Do you want him there for things like bathing. Do you both appreciate that the baby will not have the most stable of timetables and you could find yourself being annoyed that any pre-agreed sports that he continues may fly in the face of the time when you might need him to help you.

Its going to be a complete lifestyle change for you both, not just you. If he is that active he will need to really change his diet or he will put on weight and his body will change as well. There may be periods when he is depressed as his body winds down from being very active yet is not as wholly involved with the newborn as you are. Can he do basic fitness stuff in the morning prior to work (which could be interrupted cause of the baby being awake at night).

I would play it by ear if you can - in that he should not really commit to staying involved every week so that he is available and there for you but when he does go out it is not resented.

BertrandRussell · 23/01/2017 14:59

"Help out with the housework" leapt out at me. You need to both of you change that mindset.............

GeekLove · 23/01/2017 15:01

when you say 'help out with the housework' does that mean he doesn't live with you?

ChicRock · 23/01/2017 15:01

When you were discussing TTC, you obviously talked about housework, childcare, returning to work, finances, hobbies and free time, etc, once a baby was on the scene?

What was his input during these conversations?

Original poster
PotatoField · 23/01/2017 15:02

The baby was a joint, planned decision. I know when the baby comes he will want to be home more. But before we have a full discussion about it i'd like to know what is reasonable of me to ask.

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 23/01/2017 15:02

Me too Bertrand. Unless you're currently a housewife.
If you're both working full time, he doesn't 'help you out' with housework; you both contribute 50/50.

Enidblyton1 · 23/01/2017 15:02

Tricky, I'm not sure I would ask him to cut down though. I would see how it goes and you can always ask him once the baby is here if you are struggling. After all, if you usually just stay in every night and watch TV, this might not particularly change once you have a baby. Coincide evening feeding with watching TV?
I can see this being more of an issue when you have a toddler who needs putting to bed at 7ish every evening. I know many men are not home from work by this time anyway, but if your DH is home from work, it's nice to share bath/bedtimes rather that you doing it every night.
I wouldn't make any quick decisions now (especially if it's going to really upset him to give up the sport) and just see how it goes.

arethereanyleftatall · 23/01/2017 15:05

Potato - reasonable is pretty much that you both get the same amount of down time. Even if it's just watching tv, your down time might be to choose to do that in peace, with someone else looking after nb.

IHeartKingThistle · 23/01/2017 15:07

You need to lay out what you want NOW. It took me years to get to a compromise with DH that we're both happy with. With sports there's this 'I can't let the boys down' mentality whether or not this means letting the wife down! My DH is lovely but found it very hard to see this. Now he will quite often set up a tennis match for 8pm so that he can see the DC and not leave everything up to me. I've also been really clear about how many nights per week is too many, and now I make sure that I get something back: 'you've got tennis tonight? Great, can you go to the shop / sort DS' football kit / do the school run tomorrow then?' Makes me less resentful - I don't want him to stop playing, it makes him happy, but it does need to be fair. But do sort it out before you have the baby or it'll take forever to make the changes. 5/6 nights is just not on when you have a baby.

IHeartKingThistle · 23/01/2017 15:09

Oh and my maximum before I get pissed off is two weeknight games and one at the weekend!

LockieS · 23/01/2017 15:09

This massively contributed to the break up of my marriage Sad

The reality ended up being very very hard and I was resentful of him not being there as he had the gym, his martial art and then golf. When he cut down he was resentful. It didn't end well so I think a conversation needs to be had now.

arethereanyleftatall · 23/01/2017 15:12

Op, it's really hard to say what is fair as it all depends what kind of baby you get.
Tbh mine we're both really easy. They ate, (ebf so me only anyway), and they slept (easily)and that's all.
If you get one like this, he can probably carry on like he is, as you can carry on tv watching.

But, some babies are demanding. You will be counting down the minutes for your dh to finish work so you can hand baby over. In that scenario, he might get 0 time.

Original poster
PotatoField · 23/01/2017 15:15

By "help out with the housework" I mean he does his share, not that he is giving me a help with it. I'm not the "do everything for my man" type of woman! We're very split and even with everything like housework/money etc.

@Scottishdiem, thanks, I suppose it makes sense to play it by ear.

@ChicRock We discussed all those thing apart from the free time. Because he has always been this active I've never really noticed how much he does until now because I'm home more being all sore, tired and pregnant (being lighthearted here) instead of doing what I would normally be out doing (dinner with friends, visiting family etc)

OP posts:
Original poster
PotatoField · 23/01/2017 15:27

@IheartKingThistle - our DH's sound similar!
I can see him finding it fair that if he gets 3 hours two nights a week (for example) then I also get that equivalent of free time back. Even if it meant just getting a nap and watching a show in peace!

@LockieS Christ! I would obviously want to avoid that happening!

OP posts:
Stormwhale · 23/01/2017 15:30

Dp is into body building. He goes to the gym three nights a week straight from work. This means he doesn't get back until 7pm. I'm OK with that, but any more than that and I would not be happy.

PourMeAGlassOfMilk · 23/01/2017 15:31

DH cut down from 5 nights a week to 2 when DS1 came along, plus a match at the weekend which takes up about half a day. We found this balanced out well for us as I enjoy sports too and when DS was not so newborn I was keen to get back to some level of fitness. I do 2 nights a week but don't do matches any more as didn't feel fit enough after the 2nd DC came along. We both had to agree on which evenings we were doing and DH ended up dropping one of his sports to focus on the other as he found training once a week for each wasn't a good balance for him. It wasn't set in stone as soon as the DC arrived and we've had to keep talking about it to make sure it keeps working.

NerrSnerr · 23/01/2017 15:34

I think he needs to be prepared to have an open mind and be flexible. I remember some days on maternity leave being so long, and me being desperate to hear my husband's key in the door as I was so knackered, especially when she wasn't sleeping well. Even though I still did most of the baby stuff (she was ebf and pretty much attached to me for a year) it was so nice to have a bath and have someone cook me tea.

PickledCauliflower · 23/01/2017 15:34

When the kids were small - we agreed on one evening out each. Even if that evening out was just sitting in my friends house for a couple of hours, I needed the break. Money was tight, so not many hobbies in our house back then.

It would be very unfair of him, if he expected the current set up to continue.
I hope he doesn't, as if you don't see him having baby time in the evenings and also don't get your own time out - you will probably go stir bloody crazy.

TheSparrowhawk · 23/01/2017 15:36

'I know I am not BU to ask him to cut down, but I want to know how much of a cut back is a reasonable ask?'

Who will be asking you how much time you want to spend with your baby? Or is the case that you will have to take care of the baby while your husband will get to pick and choose what he wants to do?