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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask DH to cut down his hobbies?

48 replies

PotatoField · 23/01/2017 14:50

DH is very active, he has sports hobbies 5 or 6 evenings a week, sometimes meaning he’s not home until after 9pm when you add in travel, a wash etc. I don’t mind this too much as he loves it, he does still help out with housework and we do get plenty time together at the weekend. Plus I get to watch all my rubbish TV shows in peace!

We are excepting our 1st child soon so I have told asked him to cut these down once baby is here. I don’t expect him to stop doing everything (I actually think that would make him really unhappy) but what is a reasonable amount?
Do any of you have sporty husbands? How much do they do a week?

I know I am not BU to ask him to cut down, but I want to know how much of a cut back is a reasonable ask?

OP posts:

Memoires · 23/01/2017 15:38

Mine was out five nights a week when dd was born. It was a nightmare, but he refused to even consider cutting it down. Sometimes he would be out six nights. People went on at me, saying it was too much, which it was, and that he should cut it down to two at most. I had no hand in it, he wouldn't even discuss it.

It won't help your relationship at all if you don't get more or less equal free time. The only way to cope is to detach yourself and concentrate on your baby, and ultimately you would realise that it's easier when he isn't there.....

Two nights is more than enough, but sometimes you can be a bit flexible. Chances are that at first you'll both be far too knackered and zombiefied to do anything.

ChicRock · 23/01/2017 15:38

You both need to bear in mind that as well as each having an equal amount of free "me time", you also need family time, and some time together as a couple to sustain your relationship.

If he's having, for example, 2 nights plus Saturday doing his thing, and you're havinga equal 2 nights plus Sunday doing your own thing, then you're really just 2 people sharing a house and a child but not a relationship.

Original poster

PotatoField · 23/01/2017 15:50

@ChicRock, Yeah I imagine that I wouldn't actually use that free time often, But it would be nice to know that it's there if I want it.

OP posts:

Dashper · 23/01/2017 16:00

Can your DH be flexible about what he does and when he does it too? For example, my DH doesn't do his team sport as much but plays tennis at lunchtime now.

heateallthebuns · 23/01/2017 16:09

My dh has football on a Monday night, squash on a tues. I'm out on weds, he's out for work often entertaining clients on a thurs, and he goes for a run for about two hours at the weekend. He wouldn't take anything else up as he doesn't think it'd be fair and he wants to see kids at bedtime some nights.

EweAreHere · 23/01/2017 16:15

It would be incredibly unfair for him to continue being out 5-6 nights a week for his hobbies/activities.

When would you get needed breaks when the baby comes if he thinks he can keep that up?

You do need to talk now so he can plan and start letting friends know he won't be available most nights for quite some time.

XinnaJane · 23/01/2017 16:32

You need to start from the basic premise that baby is a joint responsibility. That is, if he wants to be out in the evening, he needs to consider who will be looking after his child. Same for you clearly if you want to go out. Don't allow yourself to become the default, even if you are breastfeeding.

It's really easy for the person out working to just assume the person on mat leave will be available 24/7 and you end up feeling taken for granted. I've never had a laid back baby, but in my experience you don't get evenings just quietly watching telly for a long, long time! So being at home with baby in the evening may not feel like 'down time'.

XinnaJane · 23/01/2017 16:35

Btw, it's in his interests that he gets on board with this if he wants to have a proper relationship and bond with his child

WorkingBling · 23/01/2017 16:37

My advice would be for him to cut back massively in the beginning and then reintroduce. DH wanted to do a marathon soon after DD was born, but realised that wasn't practical. So he put it off until the following year. \

No matter how easy the baby is, if you're used to working and having an active social life, having the baby will be a shock and hard work and you will need him to be home to give you a break and take some of the burden for the first few months.

There is no set amount that's fair. Every couple has to come up with their own equation. But him doing this much sport when you have a tiny baby is very unlikely to lead to you being happy as a new mum.

notangelinajolie · 23/01/2017 16:39

I'm thinking once baby is born you won't need to ask him anything - I bet once he meets the new addition to your family he'll want to spend as much time as he can at home. And I'm sure he will be more than willing to help you with the housework. Doing all these 'hobbies' he must be spending time with men who have children so I would have thought he'd have worked all this out for himself already. I'm guessing that if you raise the subject with him he will say you are stating the obvious. Congratulations!

TondelayaDellaVentamiglia · 23/01/2017 16:41

you need to sit down and have a full and frank conversation about how you BOTH expect life to be When The Baby is Here

I will eat my hat if he has thought any further than a few sleepless nights, a tired wife, and "helping out a bit more" with the housework.

XinnaJane · 23/01/2017 16:41

It's not 'helping'! It's his housework too!

NataliaOsipova · 23/01/2017 16:48

Mine was out five nights a week when dd was born. It was a nightmare, but he refused to even consider cutting it down.

I used to work for a man like this before I had children and didn't think anything of it. Now I have kids I think back on that and how awful it must have been for his wife.

A baby is a monumental lifestyle change. In fairness to your DH, it's hard to get your head round that in advance, do hopefully he'll be much more "on board" when the baby is here. But I agree with the poster who suggested the "drop everything and then see what works" approach, at least to start with.

JustHappy3 · 23/01/2017 16:53

I know everyone is giving you grief about the helping thing but it's worth wwatching the semantics. You don't ever want any talk of helping with the baby.
Having a baby is wonderful but it's hard work. You may have a fabulous sleeper but it would be wise to assume there's a good chance your tv evenings will be replaced by pacing and soothing.
Plus 4 pm -6pm can be real witchin hours.
Think of your job as child rearer being the same hours your dh is at work. When he gets back in it's 50/50 responsibility. So his time off to go to hobbies at the current level is really unfair.
But tthat said you both need me time.

Servicesupportforall · 23/01/2017 16:55

Too soon to be worrrying about this op. See how things pan out and how you feel. Newborns are not the work toddlers are and that's when you might need to share the bath/bed routine more.

See how it goes.

Original poster

PotatoField · 23/01/2017 16:55

Thanks everyone of the advice and views from their own experiences.

He is a brilliant husband and adores me that much that I think if I asked him to cut everything out that he actually would, but I wouldn't want to do that to him when it's stuff he loves doing so much.

I like @workingbling idea of starting off with nothing when the baby first comes, and then reintroducing each at a time until I feel that it's enough.

Thanks to those who are concerned my marriage might not be feminist friendly enough but it defiantly is. He probably does more for the home than I do!

OP posts:

WorkingBling · 23/01/2017 17:00

Having said all that potato - it's not unreasonable for him to have at least one night out religiously, practically from the beginning. DH is a keen runner, he had to cut it down massively, but we always tried to work in at least a couple of runs a week even when DC were tiny. The first few weeks were pretty much a write off though!

JoeyJoeJoeJuniorShabadu · 23/01/2017 17:01

Its his crud, skin flakes and hair that's creating housework, not just yours.
if he sees it as "helping you out", then he already sees this set up as fine and tidy for him.
or maybe he's just really inconsiderate.

of course he'll have to cut back!!!
"hmm" - he says. well - he was there for his orgasm so he needs to follow through on that now.

Blackbird82 · 23/01/2017 17:07

I think once the baby arrives you will become very resentful if he is still doing sport several times a week.

My husband works away a lot and plays rugby most Saturdays. When our son was small (the first yr) it caused a LOT of tension! Mostly due to his job because it made me so angry that he could be away all week and then expect to swan off all day playing rugby....

Things are better now and it's evened out a bit. I couldn't care less if he wants to go out after bedtime is done and dusted, because I'm free to watch crap tv in peace

I don't mean to sound patronising but your lives are about to change beyond all recognition and whilst a baby shouldn't spell the end for your hobbies, they will need to take a back seat in the short term

Allthewaves · 23/01/2017 17:09

2 nights a wk

DonaldStott · 23/01/2017 17:39

So you see a male doing the equivalent in childcare and housework as a feminist friendly marriage? I just see it as normal. Nothing to do with feminism.

DonaldStott · 23/01/2017 17:39

What I mean is that should be the norm.

Original poster

PotatoField · 23/01/2017 17:48

@donaldStott, I was just joking.

But actually many of my friends and family members do everything for their husbands, do all the housework and have the dinner ready for them coming home every night, do 90% of the children duties etc. I think they're nuts but that's how their marriage works. DH has always known this would never be the wife I would be. Anyway, slightly off topic...

OP posts:

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