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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that DH should be doing more?

30 replies

trulybadlydeeply · 19/01/2017 14:32

I probably am BU, but would appreciate opinions, particularly from SAHPs.

I work full time, and DH is a SAHP. I often work from home, so am obviously aware of what he gets up to in the day. In general, comes back from dropping the DC off at about 8:45am, he will either do some food shopping, or a bit of cleaning (eg wash kitchen floor, vacuum the sitting room) and he will put a wash on/ hang it up to dry. Other than that he is watching tv, or on his ipad, until it is time to pick the DC up at 3pm. He usually is sat down for at least 3-4 hours a day. Today it will be over 4 hours. He then gives them their tea, which is something easy like frozen pizza or pasta.

Once I finish work I cook the evening meal, make sure the DC do their homework, and a couple of times a week do the ironing. The majority of the housework I do at the weekend (he won't do bathrooms or any cleaning upstairs) and the gardening.

Am I being unreasonable to expect him to do a little more during the day whilst the DC are at school? I appreciate he needs time to himself, and to relax, but when I can hear a film on downstairs and I am working, it is hard.

OP posts:
Yamadori · 19/01/2017 14:34

He won't do bathrooms? Whyever not?!!

BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 19/01/2017 14:36

The fairest rule is that you both have the same amount of time off.
If you're working full time during day, occasionally ironing in the evenings and the MAJORITY of the cleaning at weekends, I'd say he's not pulling his weight.
If you were a husband with a stay at home wife, I'd say the same

CripsSandwiches · 19/01/2017 14:36

I'm usually sympathetic to the SAHP but that's ridiculous, he could do all the housework, cook an evening meal and still have 2 hours off a day. Or he could get a part time job which would pay for a cleaner. Does he enjoy being a SAHP? Why does he say he can't or won't do these jobs?

LemonyFresh · 19/01/2017 14:48

Why does he not work part time if your DC is at school?

Sparklingbrook · 19/01/2017 14:51

How old are the DC?
What's his problem with cleaning upstairs?

LuxuryWoman2017 · 19/01/2017 14:54

He 'won't' do bathrooms or upstairs? Why doe he get to opt out of this important job?
Cleaning the loo beneath him?
YABU to do loads at the weekend, evening meal and ironing, he's lazy.

Ilovecaindingle · 19/01/2017 14:57

My dh has our 2 yo and I work, 24hours . He does way more than me at home! Majority of laundry /ironing - I sort into piles or Barbie would have the best wardrobe - shopping and prob 3/4 of school runs, and the evening meal most nights too!! I catch up the rest /extra on the weekends. .

GivenupSocialmediaNOTMN · 19/01/2017 14:59

I am a SAHP, I also do a bit of PA stuff for my DH because he financially helps us both.

I'm also writing a novel and do some odd PR stuff here and there.

I drop off the kids, get home clean the entire house (throughout the week the whole house gets done) bathrooms, sitting room and kitchen every day. I sort out at least one bedroom completely every week, (Five of them), and also have other reception areas and rooms. By Friday the house is clean ready for the weekend. I do all washing. The children do chores throughout the week to ensure the house is clean and tidy.

Most nights I cook throughout the week, but if he's home he does it.

At the weekend we 50/50 the chores. He does 90% cooking. The kids help too.

The deal is I stay home and so have the time to clean, he goes to work and therefore earns the money for us and works very hard.

Your DH is lazy and needs to do more.

I rarely have time to sit for hours anywhere. I NEVER go into the sitting room to watch TV throughout the day.

PickAChew · 19/01/2017 15:00

I do hope you're not ironing his clothes for him.

I'm not the most meticulous "housewife" as a SAHP/Carer but I certainly don't consider anything to be "not my job." There are things that I struggle to do because of my own physical state eg put the sheets on the boys' bunk beds or put a duvet cover on our king size duvet, but so long as my back and hands are cooperating, I'll still strip the beds and organise the clean bedding, which I've washed, put the covers on pillows, smaller duvets etc, so it's a 5 minute job for DH to finish off.

Your DH does need to pull his finger out and start cleaning upstairs!

GivenupSocialmediaNOTMN · 19/01/2017 15:00

I also take charge of all homework, we have four children, but my DH and I do bedtime, reading and anything that is doe once he's home.

GivenupSocialmediaNOTMN · 19/01/2017 15:01

If he went to work and you stayed home, what would you do?

Original poster
trulybadlydeeply · 19/01/2017 15:04

DC are 7 & 8, he has thought about looking for part time work, but it would need to fit in around school time/term time as one of them has complex needs and finding child care outside of school would be challenging and costly. He did have some work last year, setting up a business with a friend, but that has now ended.

I don't know if he enjoys being a SAHP. He says he does, but he also says that he knows I want to work, so he took voluntary redundancy for me (I dream of winning the lottery and never working again!!). He seems stuck in a rut.

I've no idea why he won't clean bathrooms or upstairs. He will very occasionally clean the bathroom, but that involves wiping a cloth around the basin and nothing else. He won't answer questions about this when I ask, and just says I'm having a go at him.

OP posts:
Original poster
trulybadlydeeply · 19/01/2017 15:05

Givenup I think you know the answer to that question - I would do everything I do now, plus what he does, but I would try and do most of it in the week so I could have more of a relaxed weekend.

OP posts:
Original poster
trulybadlydeeply · 19/01/2017 15:06

Oh, and it's always me that has to sit up all night when the DC are ill (the one DC is ill frequently)

OP posts:
LuxuryWoman2017 · 19/01/2017 15:11

Ah, the old 'stop nagging me' routine, well don't stop, if he has all these spare hours when you work he should be keeping the bathroom clean and the beds changed. I really hope you don't do his ironing, bet you do.

It's a wonderful way to tell a woman to shut up isn't it? 'Stop having a go at me' it's bollocks.

KathArtic · 19/01/2017 15:14

He needs to be cleaning upstairs - bathroom and changing sheets else he needs to look for a job and you can get a cleaner who will do the jobs for you.

He can look for evening work - bar/pub/hotel, shelf stacking at Tesco etc

ShowMePotatoSalad · 19/01/2017 15:54

How many SAHMs would be being told they need to go and find evening/night work? Hmm

Anyway, he needs to do more round the house, during the day. Then share childcare/cooking with you equally in evenings.

Weekends would ideally not need much housework doing - if he pulled his weight more in the week you could have a lot more dedicated family time.

BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 19/01/2017 16:49

He could do the ironing at the same time as watching TV.

BoboBunnyH0p · 19/01/2017 18:19

I'm a sahp with 2 school age DCs, I do all the cleaning in our house. My DH does the cooking and gardening. I also make sure the kids do their homework and reading.

Mermaidinthesea · 19/01/2017 18:21

Both my husbands did FUCK ALL and if asked to do something which was exhausting in itself did it so badly they may as well not have bothered. I'm glad to see the back of both of them and I'm never getting married again. Live out boyfriends from now on.

Toomanywheeliebinsagain · 19/01/2017 18:30

My DH is about to stop work on a planned career break. We discussed it before he stopped. I was pretty clear about what I expected around the house (he is bloody messy) and at the moment I'm just about coping in a full time senior role with a nanny and a cleaner. We agreed a job list of tasks. He will still have loads more time off than me but I will be happy if this is done

Thattimeofyearagain · 19/01/2017 19:02

My dh works pt and I'm ft.
He does household admin, gardens, laundry, washing up/ tidying kitchen.
I do floors ( I'm a bit funny about floors!) bathrooms(2) meal planning and windows.
We share dog walking, cooking, food shop and any big jobs.
We have equal leisure time.
Your dh is taking the piss.Confused

YouTheCat · 19/01/2017 19:07

Massive piss taker.

Write down how many hours you spend working or doing household tasks.

Then write down what he does.

Then tell him to sort it out or get a job.

bumblingmum · 19/01/2017 19:25

He is lazy. He should do far more as it doesn't appear to be equal at all. You work all day and then continue to work all evening.
I am a SAHP and work few hours a week, also volunteer at school (Both kids at school). I do all the cleaning, shopping, cooking and washing. DP does school runs (with me) as we both enjoy it. DP also shares bedtime.
We both have evenings 'off' and watch tv together.

Latte35 · 19/01/2017 19:25

Fuck that shit, OP.

I'm the parent who is home the most (p/t 1 day p/w which requires me to be out of the house for 12-14 hours) and I do the majority. I have tasks that I ask my OH to do a couple of times a week- iron kids uniform when he's doing his shirts / put a wash on when he's doing his sports kit / walk dog / deal with rubbish & recycling...and the hope is that we get the majority done during the week so that we can both rest at the weekend- give each other a lie in and a chill out.

Your OH is spending 3-4 hours a day in chill out time- up to 20 hours a week. How is that fair on you and your time?

If he can't do the bathrooms- he maybe needs to address how they might get done. A cleaner? Get the children to help him as a chore??