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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think I was too blunt about this?

50 replies

cassadee · 06/01/2017 16:26

Long story short, I moved in with a friend last summer and although she originally said her dp would stay 3/4 nights a week, this has turned out to be more like 6 or 7. She hasn't ever approached it or asked if I'm ok with the change.

He finishes work late so tends to come over at 10 or 11, spend a bit of time downstairs then go to her room - she has a bathroom so he can keep himself to himself (a cynic might say hide!). He then normally leaves after I've left the next day, and spends weekends here too - so goes home once a week if that. To me, that is moving in!

Anyway I didn't mention it for ages but then cracked the other night and politely asked if he had moved in - she was absolutely taken aback and started insisting it was only 5 nights max and that it didn't count as he didn't spend that long in communal areas/he only came here to sleep - but a night is a night, right?! He keeps his stuff here, showers here and she does his washing. Oh and his food is kept here, with hers.

My feeling is that he needs to start contributing to rent and bills then - but who is fair?!

OP posts:
Original poster
cassadee · 06/01/2017 16:28

Her defence is that he helps her clean, buys communal stuff at her request (e.g. washing up liquid, milk) and that they cook together/wash clothes together so count as one essentially. I just don't know what's fair or if Im being petty...

OP posts:
QueenofallIsee · 06/01/2017 16:29

You are being fair - looking at it another way, if she was classing herself as a single person and her BF was in her home that often, she would be investigated for committing benefit fraud.

Daisyfrumps · 06/01/2017 16:31

Have a chat with your landlord

krustykittens · 06/01/2017 16:31

Nope, it sounds like he is living there, so he can pay rent.

RatherBeRiding · 06/01/2017 16:32

If you are jointly renting then I think she's taking the mickey. In effect, three people are living there, but only two paying the bills.

Or is it her place and you've moved in with her as a lodger? In which case it's a bit of a different dynamic.

If it's the first scenario, I'd be well pissed off and would have been even blunter!

harderandharder2breathe · 06/01/2017 16:32

From her reaction, I reckon you're better off moving out tbh. Whatever you think is fair she'll push back by the sound of it. Couples in house shares are never a good idea.

Suggest bills split evenly between all three of you. TBH even rent should be maybe 40/30/30 as although they share a room they're still using the house as two people.

I hope you pointed out that 5 nights is a) untrue and b) still more than what you originally agreed to even if it was true. If you're the poster who wrote about this sort of situation before though I doubt you stuck up for yourself, you need to stop letting them walk all over you.

Pineappletastic · 06/01/2017 16:32

I'd say he needs to contribute if he's spending that amount of time there.

ApocalypseNowt · 06/01/2017 16:32

Cooking together and washing clothes together only counts if they eat single portions between them and wash stuff half as often as normal people.

YANBU

BIgBagofJelly · 06/01/2017 16:33

They might wash clothes together but presumably they do it twice as frequently, he probably doesn't double het share of bills but does increase it (presumably has a shower there etc). If they rent a double room a couple usually pays a slightly higher rate than a single person so it's fair that he should make a contribution and that you should be asked before he moves in.

MsJamieFraser · 06/01/2017 16:34

Why would she be committing benefit fraud if she was single Confused single people work and don't claim benefits!

Also as the OP is living with her, she would be able to claim as a single person also.

Who owns the house?

If it's her then she can have anyone she wants staying in the house, your renting the room OP and paying your part of the bills, you cannot dictate who she has sleeping in her own home, or her rental home. I'm afraid if you don't like it and feel you cannot tollorate it then it would be wise to move.

FatBottomedGal · 06/01/2017 16:34

I'm completely with you on this! If she's still insisting it's 5 nights a week, perhaps make a note of when he stays and then raise it again in a month or so's time?
If he started contributing towards rent and bills, would you be happy for him to 'move in'?

MsJamieFraser · 06/01/2017 16:35

*Wouldn't

DailyFail1 · 06/01/2017 16:35

Report them to the landlord for illegal subletting then leave. YANBU at all.

Original poster
cassadee · 06/01/2017 16:36

She doesn't see it as 6 or 7 though (she has admitted) because in her words he only comes over to sleep during the week - which is true. But something about it still annoys me. She must know it's wrong as she wasn't forthcoming about it when we moved in!

It's a houseshare not a lodger situation btw and we split everything equally.

He keeps his slippers here ffs!

OP posts:
JustSpeakSense · 06/01/2017 16:38

He has moved in. YANBU.

HecateAntaia · 06/01/2017 16:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

harderandharder2breathe · 06/01/2017 16:41

He's living there. You need to get a grip and stand up for yourself. No more softly softly

Pinkponiesrock · 06/01/2017 16:41

If it's a rental property then the landlord would need to have a multiple occupancy licence. I had someone do the same thing in a flat I own, thankfully the letting agency picked up on it quickly and sorted it out.
The landlord would be breaking the law to have 3 unrelated people living there without an HMO. It should be written into your lease what is reasonable with regards to guests staying over.

Original poster
cassadee · 06/01/2017 16:44

I was thinking of saying 4 nights max otherwise he needs to start paying?

OP posts:
PotatoWaffleCob · 06/01/2017 16:45

It sounds like he has moved in. YANBU and I'd be mighty peeved. You need to reassess your rent and utility contributions or they need to move out and get their own place.

harderandharder2breathe · 06/01/2017 16:46

OP bless you but what makes you think they'll stick to 4 nights when they haven't been up til now?

You need to work on the basis that he has moved in and go from there

pinkywink · 06/01/2017 16:49

I think this is the 3rd time I've read about this story. Apologies if you are a different poster but if you are the original poster, you keep getting the same (sensible) advice to raise it with her and your landlord, is there something else that you are looking for people to say?

CookieLady · 06/01/2017 16:51

She's taking the piss. Stand firm and demand he pays.

expatinscotland · 06/01/2017 16:52

He's moved in. I'd look at moving out.

rookiemere · 06/01/2017 16:53

YANBU.

I've been in that situation and it's very annoying. You start off with an equitable split and end up subsidising love's young dream and sounding petty when you complain about it.

I agree with harder though. Effectively he has moved in and he isn't going to spend less nights or if they say that he's going to then it will annoy you even more if they break that. If you like living there and you don't mind him being there - apart from the financial aspect - then I would suggest that you go to her/them with a new proposal for splitting rent and bills. Not a full 2/3 for them as they are sharing a room, but something that takes into account increased electricity and bills etc.

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