to think I was too blunt about this?

[cassadee]

Long story short, I moved in with a friend last summer and although she originally said her dp would stay 3/4 nights a week, this has turned out to be more like 6 or 7. She hasn't ever approached it or asked if I'm ok with the change.

He finishes work late so tends to come over at 10 or 11, spend a bit of time downstairs then go to her room - she has a bathroom so he can keep himself to himself (a cynic might say hide!). He then normally leaves after I've left the next day, and spends weekends here too - so goes home once a week if that. To me, that is moving in!

Anyway I didn't mention it for ages but then cracked the other night and politely asked if he had moved in - she was absolutely taken aback and started insisting it was only 5 nights max and that it didn't count as he didn't spend that long in communal areas/he only came here to sleep - but a night is a night, right?! He keeps his stuff here, showers here and she does his washing. Oh and his food is kept here, with hers.

My feeling is that he needs to start contributing to rent and bills then - but who is fair?!

Look at moving out OP.
If this couple wants to spend time together they will do it, and eventually they will want to live together so he will move in, and soon you will feel like you are their lodger.

Yep she's taking the piss alright, I wouldn't even give the 4 nights option-they'll ignore it, you know they will. Simply say he starts contributing to rent & bills or you'll be speaking to the LL to get their opinion or moving out.

But why did you agree to 3-4 nights in the first place? Because that is having someone else living there for more than half of the week and now it's crept up to full time. If she'd said 1-2 nights a week (weekends for instance) that might have been manageable because you could have said No, JUST weekends, but 3-4 nights a week is too much and TBH as you agreed to that, you've really agreed to anythig.

Going from experience with my DD and her flatshare, there is nothing, absolutely nothing you can do, once a flatmate has decided they want their boyfriend to stay they won't cut it down or stop. My DD was stuck with 4 nights a week and her flatmate's boyfriend working from the flat... heating on all day etc and it drove her bonkers. However hard she tried to be reasonable and say, it was always contorted and excuses given. She was moving because of jobs anyway and glad she did!

You can try to say less to your flatmate but I think you've made a rod for your own back agreeing to 4 nights a week in the first place

I'd look for somewhere else to live.

YANBU to find the situation irritating. You agreed to move in with a certain person, not a person and their SO. If this relationship goes South there's nothing to stop her starting again with another person who may be a right pain. It isn't the man who is the issue, it's her attitude and taking you for granted that is the problem.

Some friends and I shared a flat. One of us pretty much moved her boyfriend in. We complained as he wasn't contributing towards electricity and water costs. They solved this by him stopping bathing. So now we would come home to a stinking man sitting in her shortie dressing gown in our front room with his legs akimbo and no underwear on. We wouldn't have minded the occasional night here and there, but when you have to sit down and organize a set number of days a week that someone can stay over it has really reached the point of one flatmate taking the piss and the others trying to manage it.

I was thinking of saying 4 nights max otherwise he needs to start paying?

If he starts paying then he will have every right to be there. You will be living with a couple.

Op did you recently post about this before?

Even 4 nights is ridiculous to not pay any bills, that's over half the nights!

I agree with PPs, move out and find somewhere with more respectful flatmates.

Yep move out.

You can be endlessly negotiating this, reaching agreement, then it all slide and annoy you...eventually they'll decide to go it alone and kick you out, or leave you.

I would just cut out the middle stage and move out. Start looking OP.

He is loving there. Your friend probably has him contributing towards her share already!

Living* bloody auto correct

YANBU. Actually we were in a similar situation donkeys years back now. I was the offender. I actually hadn't realised that my then DP (now DH) was present quite so much as he was, nor did it occur to me that he should be contributing (yeah I was pretty self centred back then), but one of my housemates had a quiet word with me and the penny dropped. They didn't mind him being there as he was in my room most of the time, but they resented his using the facilities for free. So we agreed on an amount and split it between the others each month.

YANBU.

I went through something similar many years ago . They then found a flat together and I moved in with someone else, which probably saved our friendship because I wasn't assertive and ended up getting very resentful.

If I were you, I'd look for somewhere else.

@MrsJamieFraser your understanding of the benefit system is inaccurate. You can be single and on out of work benefits, e.g. if jobseeking or too ill to work. You can claim as a single person if house sharing because you are financially independent of each other.

You can also be single and claim Working Tax Credits, Housing Benefit etc, if on a low income

OP, this is NOT just about the money. It's about having another person, in this case a male person, in your home. For me, this is the issue - it entirely changes the dynamic of your home, and on the nights he's there, you can't relax in the same way that you would with just another woman.

You keep getting the same advice and not taking it. FFS, decide what it is you actually want (do you want a contribution to rent and bills? or do you want him not to stay over so often? If so, how many nights, specifically, are acceptable to you?). And then you speak to your flatmate. Knowing that one of the outcomes of any discussion may mean you move out.

He's living there and running up your electric/gas bills (hot water, washing machine, cooking, etc) and water bills.

Your friend wasn't honest when she asked you to be her roommate. She's not being honest now either.

You would be perfectly reasonable to expect him to pay his way to continue living there, as he is. His room somewhere else is clearly just 'storage' of his stuff. Not your problem.

If they won't agree to the change in contributions of rent, etc, I would move out. Let them bamboozle some other friend ... surest way to start losing them.

Is this the 3rd time you've posted about this?

Tell your landlord.
They are both piss takers.

So she never stays at his? I would expect a flat-mate with a boyfriend to have him over a couple of nights a week and her stay at his maybe the same, which would balance out the extra costs/inconvenience of having an extra person around. But him living at your place 6 nights a week? No, that's not on. Given her reaction though, I'd start looking for somewhere new to live. You can argue it out with her, but she's already made it clear that she views the situation very differently to you.

You need a Sheldon Cooper Roommate Agreement™.

She may be doing his laundry with hers but it's still a bigger load using more water and elec, the same with showering and cooking together.

I think I'd be more tempted to say '10 nights per month' rather than setting an amount per week. 4 nights per week is still staying there over half the month. To me it would be more about the loss of my privacy and personal freedom, such not being able to walk around in my 'skivvies', lounge on the sofa in ratty shorts & T-shirt sans bra, or dash to my bedroom in a towel because my roomie's boyfriend is there.

But if you have posted about this 3 x before and haven't yet done anything, then you may as well just move.

Where does he "live"? Why does she never go there? I have flat shared before with people who have had DPs to stay some nights (and I have done the same), but this tends to be only 2 or so nights a week and is balanced by the flatmate also staying at the DP's place 2 or 3 nights a week. I have been fine with that, and the flatmate has always been a friend so I know their DP anyway.

How easy would it be to move out? Have you signed a lease that ties you in for a period?

Why do you keep posting the same thing?

'Why do you keep posting the same thing?'

It's like someone opening the fridge door over and over thinking one time there will be food in there.

I think they're different posters.

The 'softly softly' poster from before definitely didn't want to split bills, she just wanted him to stay over less - the agreed 3 nights per week. Whereas this OP wants him to cough up and doesn't mind if he stays.

Writing style is totally different too, I think.

This really pees me off when people do this! YANBU at all, he is there the majority of the time so needs to split the costs. You are effectively funding them to live together and him keep his own place on, not fair at all.

I have been in this type of arrangement with me being part of a couple and a male friend also lived with us. We split everything 3 ways and it worked well.