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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU- left off photo.

28 replies

Realjournal123 · 31/12/2016 11:57

AIBU to be put out that my DP sent a birthday/ New Year greeting to his sister this morning, accompanied with a photo- only he sent a picture of himself and our two daughters and left me out of it. He can be very self obsessed but this has really annoyed me. It's not the first time he has done things like this and regularly just seems to 'forget me'. I'm not particularly close to his sister as she lives abroad but I often talk to her when she skypes. He has plenty of pictures of us together and sees absolutely nothing wrong! As usual he blames me saying I should have given him a recent pic with all of us on. I always seem to be left out of everything and I've been with him for 16 years and brought up his 3 young kids for 6 years whilst he was always at the gym! I must have been mad!!

OP posts:
Bringmewineandcake · 31/12/2016 12:10

Did he just think it was a really nice photo of the kids so that's why he chose it?

Smitff · 31/12/2016 12:11

He blamed you for it?! Wtf?

Sounds like you're an addendum, or support staff. I know what I'd be doing if anyone treated me like that...

DonkeyOaty · 31/12/2016 12:21

Yes it does sound like you're not in a strong partnership. You're not married - do you work? Your position is potentially vulnerable, financially, if you don't have an independent income.

FatOldBag · 31/12/2016 12:24

So he left one of the kids out as well? He probably just picked a photo that he looked the nicest in, and didn't think about whether it was a good choice for being a 'family' photo or not. Sounds like a bit of a knob though.

Original poster
Realjournal123 · 31/12/2016 12:30

No ' brimgmewineamd cake' he's not like that - more like a nice pic of him!

OP posts:
Original poster
Realjournal123 · 31/12/2016 12:42

No. His other 3 children are now all grown up. They were not in the picture. It was our two girls in the picture. We took them on Xmas morning so are recent pictures and we did all sorts of combo's, so there were def pictures of me. And yes to the poster who says I'm vulnerable. I don't work so have no independent income. When he senses that I want to leave him he comes over as vulnerable and weak and he'd be lonely without me. When we met I had my own income, home etc but he's manipulated things so now I have nothing. I even used to pay his kids school fees for a while and never got rembutsed even though he can earn vast sums of money. He's never gone out and bought me a present although he denies this. His daughter used to tell him he has to get me a Valentines card. I'm so unhappy but I'd have zero, zilch if I left him. He's never mentioned marriage but tells his daughter that we're getting married and I bought dresses etc for our two girls then it was never mentioned again. The dresses are in the bottom of the wardrobe too small now. I had no regard for my feelings. I do stand up for myself and make the best of things for my daughters but it's the lack of respect I can't bear. So sad.

OP posts:
KnittedBlanketHoles · 31/12/2016 12:44

Can you start planning an exit, if it has to be a long term plan then keep it to yourself?

SparkleShinyGlitter · 31/12/2016 12:46

It was for his sister so maybe he just thought it was a nice pic of him and the girls for his sister.
If he had sent it to your sister would of been weird.

I sent photo cards to a few of my side at Christmas as it was DD first Christmas and the photo was just of me and DD no DH

PotteringAlong · 31/12/2016 12:54

I send photos of me and the kids / DH and the kids but not all of us to people all the time without a second thought! You are reading too much into this.

kaitlinktm · 31/12/2016 12:59

It's not the photo that's the problem here is it really Realjournal? The real problem is what a vulnerable position you are now in financially and how he has somehow contrived it so that you have no money of your own and nothing to show for what you have paid out over the years on his children and on him.

Could you not take some advice from CAB? Is there no way you can squirrel away a bit of money?

Aeroflotgirl · 31/12/2016 12:59

Looking at the bigger picture, and that you say he always forgets you, it does not sound like he's into you anymore, just sees you as admin, as another poster put it. YOu can sit down and talk to him, and tell him how you feel.

ParadiseCity · 31/12/2016 13:01

Photo not a big deal at all. However I wish you luck with everything else. You know this is no way to be treated, you deserve better.

ItShouldHaveBeenJingleJess · 31/12/2016 13:05

You wouldn't have zero, zilch - you'd have your girls and your self esteem back. You have gone above and beyond for this guy and he can't return the smallest of courtesies.

toptoe · 31/12/2016 13:06

Time for you to start thinking about yourself now. If you want to work, start looking at the options. Don't tell him if you think he'll wear you down again. You need your own income as you probably won't get married and there is no such thing as common law wife. Start being selfish yourself. If he's not the sharing type but wants you to give give give you have to hold back and get yourself sorted without letting him know what you're doing.

Olympiathequeen · 31/12/2016 13:08

See a solicitor about the financial side of things. He sounds awful. Being unmarried is a lose/lose situation for a woman in most cases.

category12 · 31/12/2016 13:08

You need to regain an independent income and work on leaving.

Marmalade85 · 31/12/2016 13:13

You need to leave OP. The system is there to support vulnerable women like yourself. You would qualify for housing benefit etc if you have absolutely nothing and two young children.

DameDeDoubtance · 31/12/2016 13:13

It's a sunk loss and you want get anything back by sticking around. Your daughters may end up in similar abusive relationships when they are older as it's the role model for them. He obviously centres himself and is very selfish.

Is your name on the deeds to the house?

Benedikte2 · 31/12/2016 13:24

OP you need to look at the long term and plan to leave when it suits you. Get advice first. Make a list of all the property of value, cash in bank, savings etc. List what your former income was, value of your home ( which ai presume was put into your current family home. Start to try to save from the housekeeping so you have some cash to come and go on. Do you get an allowance for your own use? If not, catch him at a vulnerable moment and ask for one . Enquiry about training courses or further study to enhance your former work qualications. Your DP obviously prefers you to be subservient so don't rock the boat, make obvious changes that might make him suspicious until you are ready to separate or he may stage a break before you are prepared.
It appears he wanted a housekeeper/stepmother for his children and has never afforded you the respect you deserve

Lynnm63 · 31/12/2016 13:40

Get legal advice. Gather any evidence of payments you've made including the funds from your previous home. Make a plan and get the hell out. He's probably cuntish enough to string you along until the kids leave home and then dump you when he's had unpaid care for two families and reducing his financial liability to you.

Original poster
Realjournal123 · 31/12/2016 14:11

You are all so right. I've thought of every eventuality that you all mention. He does give me an allowance and I've tried to stash money away and when things are tight I have to use it. Money is always feast or famine. Our house is in a company name with him only so complicated. I had a house which he didn't keep up properly and I lost it. (Long story) but then proceeded to buy his son a flat in central London!! Mad isn't it - he tried to keep that one quiet. I must now start thinking about my very vulnerable situation even though he's ten years older than me- it's still not inconceivable that he may try to dump me once I'm no longer of any use to him. He never takes me out and when I bring this up, he says well you get a babysitter and ask me then we can! There's no way I'd beg him to take me out. Would anyone. I have my pride but sure it comes before a fall. He's never to blame- it drives me mad. When you say I'm his nanny/ housekeeper your absolutely right and I've told him this. He just laughs. I don't buy evening clothes anymore as they would never be used. He has life insurance which when I broached the subject simply because he travels to some very dodgy parts of the world with high rates of kidnapping etc, I told me it's fine and the beneficiaries are our daughters who are 11 and 13!! How the hell would that help us?? I have no savings. Writing this I realise I have to talk to him but I will come across as mercenery.

OP posts:
Marmalade85 · 31/12/2016 16:13

OP please get some legal advice or call Gingerbread which provides support for lone parents. You're being financially abused which is taken seriously. Good luck.

KathArtic · 31/12/2016 16:28

There was a good thread on here a few months ago from a lady preparing to leave and received some good advice. It's worth a search.

Chartreuse45 · 31/12/2016 16:31

You need to go through all your old bank statements. When and how much you paid for the school fees, where did the money go when you sold the house. Even if it is not as clear as you having paid directly into the school account then you need to show "I transferred £xxx on the 3rd and £xxx was paid for fees on the 5th of the same month." Of course it may be that you paid part and so less solid, but hundreds going into his account from yours close to a payment should be convincing enough! (Not a lawyer sorry!) He is definitely not behaving as he should, get to a lawyer asap!

MrsTerryPratchett · 31/12/2016 16:58

He is doing this deliberately. You need to deliberately make plans. Get a job. Get the money back for the school fees. Stop rolling over. You are staff so at least get paid for it.