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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I know I am probably being ur but...

54 replies

Losgunna · 29/12/2016 11:34

Another mil one sorry.

So dp is in work for the morning, mil, sil and her bf have taken ds to the blue planet aquarium.

I am a bit fucker off with as
a) I only found out yesterday
b) I've been dying to take him for ages, and they know this (since ds was one, he is now three)
c) when I told him his nana and auntie were taking him out today as a treat he asked to go to see the dinosaurs in the museum
d) I told them that's what he's asked for and they've all ignored both of us and are taking him to the aquarium anyway, at which point ds got really upset so they lied to him and said they were going to the museum

I'm annoyed that they've lied to ds, annoyed that they've taken him somewhere I've wanted to take him for a long time and annoyed that they're just going there because that's where they want to go not where ds wants to go and this was supposed to be a treat for him.

There is quite a bit of back story to this though, mil is pretty much universally regarded as a total bitch by everyone I know including dp.

Sorry this is just a bit of a rant really as it's not the first time she's pulled shit like this.

OP posts:

MrsHathaway · 29/12/2016 11:46

When you take him to the dinosaur museum, you will be a hero.

When you wait until he actually wants to go to the aquarium and take him, you will be a hero.

Hope he doesn't have an awful time.

dowhatnow · 29/12/2016 11:48

Why didn't you just say no?

Bluntness100 · 29/12/2016 11:49

I don't really understand, if you've wanted to take him for two years why didn't you? Two years is a long time, it didn't happen, so why begrudge him? He will still want to go again and love it just as much.

Tohaveandtohold · 29/12/2016 12:03

You have wanted to take him for 2 years but didn't, why would you then deny him an opportunity to go. You could then take him to the dinosaur museum another time. Just can't see how MIL is an 'bitch' based on this story as it seems she just can't do anything right in your eyes. If they have planned to go to the acquarium, probably bought tickets, etc how do you just expect them to change it.

KingJoffreysRestingCuntface · 29/12/2016 12:05

You could've said no.

Your child, your choice.

dowhatnow · 29/12/2016 12:18

TBH as an adult if I was planning to take a child out, we would be going where I wanted to go. I wouldn't change my plans because a three year old wanted to go somewhere else. I wouldn't lie about it though. He would have to live with the disappointment for a few minutes as it is obvious he would enjoy the original day out planned. So YABU about C and D.
YANBU about A and B however YABU to agree to it. You could have just said no for those reasons.

sophiestew · 29/12/2016 12:21

Well, hopefully he will enjoy the aquarium when het gets there?

Can you take him to the dinosaur museum soon?

Original poster

Losgunna · 29/12/2016 12:22

I did say no! They said 'oh you can take him to the museum any time'

(we can't it's an hour and a half each way and a full day to explore)

It's not just the going to the aquarium, it's the lack of notice, the lying to ds, the ignoring everyone's requests but their own. Even dp yesterday suggested either the museum or soft play (ds doesn't get to go either very often)

It's not just mil but sil too. She looked so bloody smug when they announced where they were going.

We haven't taken him yet due to a few things, I have a few chronic conditions that mean I can't always go out when I want, money, distance (its quite far away and we don't drive) , work etc

Mill isn't a bitch based on just this story, she is a bitch based on a whole shitshow of a back story.

I know I'm bu really, but it's somewhere I have wanted to take him and the fact that they are taking him first, without me or dp, stings a bit.

He'll probably love it and be bugging me to go again tomorrow!

OP posts:

HerBluebiro · 29/12/2016 12:22

Why haven't you taken him in the last 2 years? What has changed so that now you feasibly could take him?

If mil is a bitch why do you and dp let her look after your son?

I understand you are disappointed. But take him again in a couple of months and before that go see the dinosaurs with him.

He will think you are fab. As he already does cos you are his mum

SolomanDaisy · 29/12/2016 12:31

If you haven't managed to take him for two years, I think it's fair enough for someone else to do it, since it doesn't look like you're going to bother.

dowhatnow · 29/12/2016 12:38

What I'm struggling to understand is why you didn't just say that if they were going to take him there then you wouldn't allow them to have him. I presume DH would back you up? You are the parents. I'm sorry but if they were flouting my wishes, Then they wouldn't be having him.

So the big issue isn't actually whether it is the aquarium vs the dinosaur museum; it's why you let them do what they want with your family. Your Dh thinks they are bitches. Why doesn't he stand up to them? Do you have a DH problem instead, where he doesn't support you? Did he only tell you yesterday but knew about it earlier? How come they decided they were taking him out today?

I think you need to sit down with DH and agree on how you move forward with this. You both need to present a united front and you only let them do what you both agree to. If DH isn't in agreement to this, does he normally dictate to you and do you normally go along with everything he says?

First we need to establish whether you have a DH or an inlaw problem?

Cherrysoup · 29/12/2016 12:41

Why did you let them take him at all and why didn't you say you would go? Maybe sil's bf could've stepped out to allow room in the car etc. You've been meaning to go for 2 years? Yabu, you could have said no and meant it.

Original poster

Losgunna · 29/12/2016 12:42

Dh wasn't here when they left he was in work. He only found out where they were going when I called him to tell him. He didn't sound overly impressed tbh.

Wrt to letting them mind ds they weren't allowed for quite a long time and have been best behaviour for a year so they've been allowed.

That being said, dp knew they were taking him out about a day before I did

OP posts:

metallicnails · 29/12/2016 12:43

You've had two years to take him, perhaps you should have done it sooner. I think you're just embarrassed that they're having to do your job for you.

cheekyfunkymonkey · 29/12/2016 12:44

Maybe op didn't have the funds to take him. Blue planet is pricey. It is off of them op but maybe they got a deal/ free tickets. It may have co.e from a good place but I can see how you would be pissed off.

Notonthestairs · 29/12/2016 12:48

He's 3 - it will mean much much more to him when he's a bit older. Trust me I dragged my two round London Zoo repeatedly at 3 years old and it was a bit lost on them but now (7 & 9) they love it and ask to go. It will still be magic in a year or two.

dowhatnow · 29/12/2016 12:52

Then you need to set boundaries when they take him out. You both need to present a united front and they need to comply or they won't take him out again. They will only walk over you if you let them.

Having said that YABU about C and D. He shouldn't have been lied to, to placate him though. He is three and goes where he is told to.

Original poster

Losgunna · 29/12/2016 12:55

They most certainly do not have to do my job for me. There are various reasons we haven't been yet, some financial, some health related.

As it stands we could probably have finally taken him in the next week or so. Dp off work, my pain levels are not too bad and we were given a bit of money for Christmas, about £100 which would have paid for the day.

Sils bf is the only driver and its his car they are going in.

OP posts:

FeckinCrutches · 29/12/2016 12:55

You've had 2 years to take him.
Maybe they don't want to do a 3 hour round trip with a toddler.

Bauble16 · 29/12/2016 13:02

Yabu. Someone has done something nice for your son and now your moaning and battling your in-laws. You had an idea to take your son, yet no plans and no car. Why deprive him on the off chance you can go. It's very controlling

dowhatnow · 29/12/2016 13:04

It's a pity you couldn't have just said

"no we are taking him later this week/ soon. You can have him but not if you are going to take him there."

That's where it went wrong. Now you have to put those boundaries in place so that they don't walk all over you in the future. You and DH together.

The simple sentance above should have sufficed, or it perhaps needed the addition of "If you don't respect our wishes, and take him, then you won't be allowed to have him again."

Astro55 · 29/12/2016 13:04

Why didn't you go too?

Trifleorbust · 29/12/2016 13:05

Oh come on, OP. If you haven't taken him in two years you probably never were going to take him. They are doing something nice for your son - be appreciative. He will have a fantastic time and if and when you can take him to the aquarium, he will enjoy it just as much.

HappyFlappy · 29/12/2016 13:06

I wouldn't have taken a child under 3 to the Aquarium either - you want them to be old enough to enjoy it, as well as being young enough to experience the childish wonder of the place.

YANBU Losgunna - I think your Mil et al are being nasty. They knew you were looking forward to it. they knew that your DS wanted to see dinosaurs. And they lied to a child.

I hope he doesn't even notice the sharks and stingrays, and spends the whole day kicking the tanks and asking where the brontosaurus is.

I hope that when you go with him, he will be ready and keen to see the marine life - especially when you telll him that the sharks and rays have been around since dinosaur times and have hardly changed a bit! They are "dinosaur" fish. Bet your MIL doesn't know that.

The cow.

Warn them that if they try this again it will be the last time they take him anywhere.

Birdsgottafly · 29/12/2016 13:07

I think it's fine for Parents to want to take their children abroad/to places, for the first time, but if it can't be done in two years, when it's a standard day out, then your being selfish to deny your child the trip.

My Parents did similar and it meant that I missed out on trips to London and Australia (as well as other places, we have family around the World).

I have varying mobility and it's crap, but when I take my GC out, I generally decide where. The same applied when my Sister took mine out, when she had a car and I didn't.

Is your condition long term? If so, you'll have to accept your DS being taken to places that you can't take him to first, including school/other Parents, trips, otherwise he's going to resent you.

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