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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU DH off over Christmas

43 replies

Brighteyes27 · 27/12/2016 18:40

AIBU to be peed off with DH. Both off over Christmas until 1st week in Jan. He finished work a day before me I normally work 2.5 days a week and he works FT. As he is off he likes to stay in bed until as late as poss 11am or similar. I can't get hoovered up and get on when he is in bed. I have an underactive thyroid and other health conditions so I am better on a morning lying in bed does me no favours and I feel more tired as the day goes on. I wake up early have breakfast, feed dog, put recycling out, empty dishwasher, empty wash put a wash on fold things from tumbler, do a general tidy etc etc. Whilst he lays on when he gets up he sits around puts tv shows on from 10/20 years ago. Sits around for ages and gets on my nerves. Eventually asks what I want to do today about 1/2pm when the answer feels like throttling him. We go for a walk or go into town as little time to do much else, come home and he puts more drivel on TV (Star Trek, columbi, poirot, Jonathon Creek an old war film etc). I am so bored and cheesed off with him. DC's older see friends occasionally but happy on phones. He thinks he's being perfectly reasonable. I am so fed up. I have told him how I feel and just took off in car to get away from him and the house.

OP posts:

HappyGoLuckyGirl · 27/12/2016 18:46

I don't see why he is being unreasonable. It seems to me more like you have mismatched personalities.

You being an early riser, has to be doing something constantly or you get bored and frustrated.

He sounds a lot more laid back, perhaps slightly lazy, chilled out type of person perfectly happy with doing nothing.

Neither of you is bad or worse than the other. You're just different.

Petalbird · 27/12/2016 18:50

How has this not been an issue from the start?

pipsqueak25 · 27/12/2016 18:50

why can't you hoover until he gets up ? who set the rules for that one ? why can't you have your own interests? tbh this does sound like a dull situation...for you so may be you need to think do you really want this for the next upteen years or strike out and do your own thing a bit more ?

Grilledaubergines · 27/12/2016 18:52

He's done nothing wrong though has he.

pipsqueak25 · 27/12/2016 18:52

meant to ask how long have you been together ? it sounds like you are in a rut.

HermioneJeanGranger · 27/12/2016 18:53

I really don't see the issue - DP prefers lie-ins, I'd rather get up. But I don't let that stop me doing stuff - if I want to go out and he's still in bed, I'd just go. Likewise if something needed vacuuming, I would either do it or, or ask him to do it when he got up instead.

If you want to go out early and spend the day together (which isn't unreasonable in itself), then you need to say something to him! If you've previously left him to sleep and watch TV all morning, I doubt he even sees it as a problem.

Communicate!

Krampus · 27/12/2016 18:54

Get up in the morning and go out. In the afternoon say you hoover, I'll do the dishwasher then we can relax together.

UnicornPee · 27/12/2016 18:56

Go on strike and do exactly what he does for a full week. All the house work etc will pile up then he will see what you've been talking about

XiCi · 27/12/2016 18:59

I think YABU. You would drive me mad, constantly on the go round the house whilst I was trying to relax. Don't you do anything with your day other than housework? I think it's perfectly reasonable to have a lie in and a slob about over Xmas week when you have a full time demanding job.

Vanillamanilla1 · 27/12/2016 19:02

I'm as lazy as ...
I have an underactive thyroid, am on anot depressants etc etc
I lay in
DP has always been a early riser ( roles reversed )
I don't begrudge him a day off , neither does he begrudge me a day off either
Or a few days off fair that matter
I still do what I have to do .... Albeit maybe an hour or two later if he's laying in ... I'll get on with the ironing instead
He will lay for one day on the settee and watch shit films
I am currently watching a rerun of real housewives of Beverly hills
I take myself off on my days off for a lunch by myself or with friends depends on my mood
He does what he needs to do
We are mismatched BUT we are equal . He would NEVER place hoovering as a priority over my lazy ass needs and neither would I prioritise my need over his
I might seethe inside over trivial stuff but really it's all about 50/50

FixItUpChappie · 27/12/2016 19:09

He works full time and doesn't want to get up and go, go, go..that doesn't seem so outrageous or hard to understand. This is what he likes to do and how he likes to relax. It's awful to try to flop and relax with some who is tidying/always doing something.

You are probably annoying him too. Can't you come to some compromise on morning activity - trade off sleep in days with up and out days or some such?

ShowMePotatoSalad · 27/12/2016 19:14

DH went to bed this afternoon...he was knackered. I'd had a lie in this morning. Don't be pissed off at your DH. He works full time and he's on his holiday. You don't have young kids so there's no issue there. Sorry OP, I think YABU.

And Jonathan Creek is not drivel, it's bloody epic. Written by the great David Renwick who also wrote One Foot in the Grave. You can't go wrong with a bit of Johnno.

Original poster

Brighteyes27 · 27/12/2016 19:17

Married 16 years together 19. Yes we are in a rut. I have said and he can't see it. I am not massively housepround but if I don't do anything that needs doing on a morning I have much less energy or inclination to do them mid late afternoon and they pile up.
It didn't used to be a problem he helped me chill and we chilled together. I got him out and organised and he/we were out and about more. But now we have a dog which he wanted which is more restricting and older kids.
We had kids v late 30's so out of kilter with friends I had when younger so have drifted apart from a lot of friends and we had no sitters so lost couple friends. Need to get bum in gear and some dates in diary.

OP posts:

e1y1 · 27/12/2016 19:18

Agree with PP - he isn't actually doing anything wrong.

And YABU - Jonathan Creek, Poirot, are not "drivel" - oldies are the best.

Communicate and perhaps foster your own interests separately.

Crinkle77 · 27/12/2016 19:22

Sorry agree with the others OP. I take it you don't have kids? I would understand if you did cos that wouldn't be fair but otherwise he is on holiday. Give him a break. And don't hoover in the morning just to piss him off.

ShowMePotatoSalad · 27/12/2016 19:24

Do you sit down very often and just chill out? Or are you always on the go? I can understand it if it affects your energy levels but many people just want to sit down and relax over the holidays. I know I do.

Give me a bit of ol' Creeky and Poirot for the day, I'd be absolutely set. If DH wanted to watch something I didn't like I'd sit next to him with a cross stitch, quite happy.

HermioneJeanGranger · 27/12/2016 19:32

But he's happy having lie-ins and watching TV, you're not. That doesn't mean he's in the wrong - you're just different.

I don't see why deciding to go out at 1pm means you don't have time to do much? What about the cinema, lunch, a walk, the pub, take the dog out, go to a museum/an exhibition/the beach?

scottishdiem · 27/12/2016 19:48

Why do you need to leave the house together. Why not do the things you want to do separately from him and plan joint things together. My DP and I do have very differently body clocks. I got to bed late and get up late and DP is exactly the opposite. DP can do their chores at whatever times suits and I do mine the same way. I do the dishes at midnight. Sweeping seems to happen at around 6am as far as I can tell. We are not forced to do things together. We like doing somethings together - I often find myself at the cinema at a time DP likes but then I get to watch what I want at home late at night with no interruptions. Swings and roundabouts.

I cannot see what has caused you to strop out of the house to be honest.

Livelovebehappy · 27/12/2016 19:54

It's all about compromise. My DH is off work too, and has spent most of the day watching darts, whilst I've popped out for an hour to do some sales shopping and then pottered about when I got home. He is now watching some series on his lap top with headphones on whilst I'm on the ipad. That's the joy of having time off work; just doing things you can't normally do when working 9-5 Monday to Friday. If he's in bed, just pop out to visit family or a friend or do something you enjoy doing, then come home and suggest doing something together for a couple of hours. Hoovering and housework don't need to be done every day.

gottachangethename1 · 27/12/2016 19:55

This break does not help. Dh and I are both off work until next week and I'm ready to throttle him! I have my own routine and him being constantly around is driving me nuts. When we're on holiday together it's great, but there's something about being at home that just makes it difficult. Makes me worry about when we are retired

Original poster

Brighteyes27 · 27/12/2016 19:58

Married 16 years together nearly 19. DH things hoovering more than once a week is excessive. We have a big hairy dog and him and the DC trail mud and crumb trails about the house. It's dark by 3.45 where we are and takes a goodly while to get to most places from where we live.
We did used to compromise and rub along nicely most of the time we did a few things spontaneously (nights out/nights away) and chilled and relaxed together a fair bit as well as getting organised and going out and about a fair bit (together and separately). But had kids in v late 30's so well out of kilter with friends who had children early and mid twenties many into second marriages by then. Lost our couple friends as they had sitters on tap and wanted to go out and we had no sitters. Our kids now 13 and 11 and got a dog so life has gradually changed. I also put my life on hold to devote to the kids as DH works long hours so hard to plan anything any night mid week as he couldn't be guaranteed to be home. Agreed we are very different people, in a rut and need to find some common ground and common as well as separate interests. I am a pain and winding myself up at the moment.

OP posts:

Marmalade85 · 27/12/2016 20:02

Sounds like you would rather he wasn't around.

haveacupoftea · 27/12/2016 20:06

You sound really wound up by the fact that your DP is relaxing. So whats annoying you? Do you want more help with housework? Would you like a bit more romance, maybe a date night? Do you ever take time to relax yourself?

Mrsmadevans · 27/12/2016 20:08

Hmm are you by any way peri menopausal bc this sounds just like my symptoms along with memory loss and getting fatter and more tired . I also suffer with hypothyroidism and it isnt great my dear , hair loss ,tiredness ,weight gain etc etc

Original poster

Brighteyes27 · 27/12/2016 20:14

Have a cup of tea I do find it hard to relax and do love him although he's winding me up at the moment. I think I want all you have suggested romance relaxation change of scene excitement etc. But behind the scenes we are having yet another restructure at work and DH worrying about how stable his work will be in near future. So not the best time to be jetting off on a romantic break. Not least because of financial uncertainty. We'd also have to drag along our 11 and 13 year olds who'd rather be attached to devices and with friends. Maybe as someone else suggested I am worrying about retirement and being less use as a mum.

OP posts:

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