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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think it's a bit rude to do this

28 replies

msgrumpy16 · 24/12/2016 19:57

I probably am being grumpy but I spend Christmas alone and I don't mention it explicitly but people know I do.

But people still ask what I'm doing for Christmas and I say brightly oh, just the usual and they say oh ...

I was thinking today, is that not actually a bit rude, that they ask and clearly don't intend to invite me (I don't mean they should but it's awkward!)

Or AIBU?

OP posts:
VeryBitchyRestingFace · 24/12/2016 20:00

If you don't say explicitly, chances are they've forgotten.

Besides, for all they know, you could still be spending Xmas alone... On a deck chair in the Bahamas. That would be worth a mention.

OopsDearyMe · 24/12/2016 20:00

If they already know then yeah its a bit of a stupid thing to say, but maybe they are meaning to just make conversation and probably think oh shit why did I ask that.

There is a tendency tho I think for people to pity you if you do things alone and maybe that's why they ask as they 'hope' that some kindly person will help you out... Not that you want or need it.

Scarydinosaurs · 24/12/2016 20:03

YABU it's a standard question.

BIgBagofJelly · 24/12/2016 20:22

If they know you're going to be alone (which presumably they do if they know what you mean when you say "the usual") and still ask that's weird and a bit rude.

lastqueenofscotland · 24/12/2016 20:27

YABU I've used it as small talk for the last few weeks Xmas Confused

Original poster
msgrumpy16 · 24/12/2016 20:28

Yes, that's sort of what I mean, BigBag - they know I'm alone so why ask ... I'm probably being over sensitive though.

OP posts:
HirplesWithHaggis · 24/12/2016 20:30

Do they know what "the usual" means to you? To me, it means having my MIL, DH, DS(s) and DGS1 for a very informal meal, for example. If they know your "usual" means alone, do they think you prefer that? (Plenty folk do!)

I'd probably invite you, I've had "extras" many, many times over the years. But if I thought you'd hate it, I wouldn't ask.

Christmascheerful · 24/12/2016 20:32

Yabu and oversensitive
tbh people probably just making conversation

AtSea1979 · 24/12/2016 20:35

YABU sorry but I think you are being sensitive about it. I'm guessing you are not really happy about being alone then but maybe others assume you are since you usually do it so the presumption is it's your choice to be (as appose to the Bahamas etc) so they are chatting about it.

Fiona2609 · 24/12/2016 20:37

I was asked, earlier in the week, if I was going home for Christmas. Colleagues were in London, I am in Europe. I said yes, but then had to qualify that I would be at my house, not with family. There was rather an awkward silence... I think some people have a bit of a problem with others being on their own, voluntarily, at this time of year.
I did add that I had declined an invitation to my sister's this year, I went last year and didn't enjoy it, plus, as I am away during the week, it is nice to spend time at my house.

MoodyBox · 24/12/2016 20:37

Ah, it's a but insensitive, but I doubt they intend to be mean.

Broaching the subject of spending Christmas with anyone other than immediate family is difficult though. We would happily invite a friend to spend it with us if they were in their own but at the same time might just not think of asking if we thought they were choosing to be on their own for whatever reason, or of course if we just didnt realise.

I hope you have a lovely day tomorrow.

ChocoChou · 24/12/2016 20:40

Perhaps you should explicitly state "just me again this year" to a friend that asks that you wouldn't mind spending it with... you never know.
I hope you have a nice day tomorrow regardless and have planned a relaxing treat/movie/etc for yourself x

harderandharder2breathe · 24/12/2016 20:42

Yabu I think, it's not as if you're actually saying "on my own"

I'm spending it alone as well, generally get several invites from people who think I'll be lonely and while they are very much appreciated, I don't expect it and I always politely decline. But then I always make a point of saying I'm looking forward to doing my own thing.

harderandharder2breathe · 24/12/2016 20:42

Also even though I discuss Christmas with everyone I know every year, I could only tell you what my closest friends are doing.

Wolpertinger · 24/12/2016 20:51

I think people ask without really thinking through what they are asking.

DH and I spend every Christmas just the two of us - we prefer it as does my DM who we love v much and are v close to. But I've had two weeks of people asking 'What are you doing for Christmas' and when I say what I'm doing, the asker looking slightly disappointed for me and awkward.

Eventually I clocked they were just asking a standard question, weren't very interested in the answer and hadn't realised that the answer might possibly be diffferent from what they were doing.

Next year I'm going with 'we haven't decided yet'.

Lemon12345 · 24/12/2016 21:08

I do wonder if your 'the usual' is more the issue. It's a bit simple and a conversation stopper. Even if you are alone you could have plans, so maybe that is what they are getting at. Maybe you're treating it like any other day, maybe you're planning on going out for a meal or having something special at home, may a lie in, a lazy day watching films? Maybe they're just making conversation. I'd try be a little more open and explain it. If you have no family or invitations etc then say 'it's just me at home again, so I haven't made any real plans'. Maybe it will be easier for them to offer an invite than just 'the usual' which could mean you have a normal that you like to stick to. If a close friend said that to me I would offer an invite (if possible, I'm not one for extending invites to someone elses house after plans have been made) even if it's not actually Christmas dinner but 23rd or 26th or even breakfast on 25th.

I do hope you have a wonderful Christmas. Some people are happy being alone, not sure how I would feel really.

amammabear · 24/12/2016 21:30

I must agree that saying just the usual seems to be a bit abrupt and I probably wouldn't know how to respond, it would kill the conversation.

sansoucitherednosedcariboo · 24/12/2016 21:42

I'd probably say, "I don't know yet!" and smile brightly at them.

FindoGask · 24/12/2016 21:46

"Even if you are alone you could have plans, so maybe that is what they are getting at."

I agree with Lemon. Spending the day on your own isn't the whole story. You could be doing any number of things. If people didn't show any interest at all, would that feel better?

amammabear · 24/12/2016 22:09

To me saying the usual implies you have plans but you don't wish to discuss them

SabineUndine · 24/12/2016 22:15

I'm with you OP. I was once asked what I was doing on Christmas Day by my best friend and I said 'nothing, open to offers!'
Cue forced laugh from her. Why ask if you aren't going to invite someone round?

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 24/12/2016 22:40

YNBU. I don't like people quizzing me either. I don't see it as small talk. I see it as people being nosey fuckers.
If you want small talk what's wrong with the weather or the price of fish.
It'd be interesting to see their reaction if you were honest and did say. Well actually I'm going to be alone. What would they say. Oh come and spend Christmas with us. I highly doubt it.

BarbarianMum · 24/12/2016 22:45

General conversational opening? And not everyone who spends Christmas alone is without plans.

amammabear · 24/12/2016 23:33

Agree with barbarian! I'm also on my own, and would've really liked out if one of my friends invited me round but they didn't and that's their choice, but I've been honest that I'm on my own.

MiddleClassProblem · 24/12/2016 23:40

I think it's just a question people ask like a chit chat about the weather but can understand how it can come across to someone who is spending it along annually however people may have thought it was a one off or how you choose/have chosen to spend it or simply just forget. I don't think any malice is meant