Feeling undermined by dm, Aibu?

[Melstarrynight]

Today while having fish and chips my ds (5) asked for salt. I said yes but he couldn't have ketchup as well. Dmum said 'isn't she bossy' to both my kids. I didn't say anything but am quite cross at the comment. My parents don't seem to see the problem in having too much sugar or salt in my Dc diets and think I'm far too fussy. Dcs have plenty of cakes etc but I don't like them going over the top. Also Dh has high blood pressure with a family history of it also so I'm trying to bring them up to eat well.

So Aibu to be feel annoyed about this? It's a fairly regular thing with my parents to say things like this in front of my kids.

It's annoying but it's not really that much of a big deal.

Your 5yo really doesn't need salt on his dinner though.

My mum does this kind of thing. I'd have probably replied something like 'yep, that's cos I'm the boss' but I've got the hump already today

I wouldn't be happy about being undermined like that and would mention it in private, she may not realise it upsets you. Mine always seems oblivious!

Thanks for your replies. I know it's not really a big deal in the grand scheme of things. He didn't have much salt, probably the same as is in a small blob of ketchup, which they have at his school. I suppose I just wanted to know if others would be annoyed by this and what they might do about it.

YABU - a bit of salt and a bit of ketchup with dinner wont hurt.

My MIL does this a little bit. She doesn't mean any harm but it is irritating. I just smile and say "not bossy, just in charge" if it's something minor.

We have had the "I love you but please don't undermine me" conversation too when it was happening in more serious situations.

a spoonful of ketchup and a pinch or less of salt - mountains and molehills in my view - if predisposed to high blood pressure salt won't make a massive difference - I was religious about it at first but now gone the other way - don't tend to cook with it or add it except occasionally to potato but it just doesn't seem to make alot of difference - salty premade dinners, crisps and such are worse offenders

I don't think the issue is whether salt / ketchup etc is a problem, more the dynamic between the OP and her mum - on which YANBU. my parents don't always agree with my parenting but never ever contradict me or undermine me in front of them. They'll also quietly ask me when the kids can have the shitload of chocolate / sweets / cake they've bought for them rather than just getting them out and then making me the bad guy for having them wait til after dinner. If they have the kids on their own then i always let them do what they like, but if I'm there then it's my rules.

Angry is correct, it's not about salt it's about not deliberately undermining a parent's choices.

I usually reply with 'shush nanny/grandma/grandad or you and mummy will fall out' and give them 'the look'.

I'm a bit that you let them have "plenty of cakes etc" but wouldn't let them have ketchup with a fish tea.

I'd have been more inclined to say ketchup but no salt in this case.

That said, your parents should not be regularly undermining you to your kids. That isn't pleasant and smacks of point scoring.

Thank you, yes that was my point. I wasn't sure if I was right to feel peeved or if I'm just a bit pre menstrual right now and being over sensitive. I have my reasons for wanting to limit salt intake for dcs, one being that I seem to be surrounded by relatives right now who are on blood pressure meds but questioning my parental choices!

By plenty of cakes, I mean I don't stop them having them but also don't let them have too many, as with salt. I've had comments about that too in the past.

I think youre being a bit sensitive. Shes your mum, stick your tongue out at her and do what you were going to do anyway

Very, ds wanted to try salt for the first time today so this was my compromise.

I seem to be surrounded by relatives right now who are on blood pressure meds but questioning my parental choices!

So either say that or 'yes x you are so right, it's not like any of the family are on blood pressure meds is it? Oh hang on...'

Maybe it was the way you said it. Why mention ketchup, he hadn't even asked for it? Normal response "Can I have X?" answer "Yes" or "no". Your version "can I have x? Yes but you can't have y". It comes across very negative and like you feel the need to have said no to something. DM was maybe trying to lighten the mood if you keep bringing it down like that?

Fat I disagree completely.

I often say a conditional yes. So "yes" you can have something from your selection box after tea but that means no pudding for example.

Or "yes" you can have a can of coke now but that means you drink water with your meal for example.

It's not negative it's giving the child options.

This would have been the perfect time for a "yes, she is isn't she? I blame the parents" comment.

On a totally irrelevant point, was it chip shop fish & chips? They don't open on Christmas Eve here - I'm slightly jealous! .

You are not being unreasonable.
A) it is NOT about a but of ketchup and salt, it is about you making a decision regarding your DC diet and someone passive aggressively under minding you like that

B) it is very disrespectful to "mock you" in front of them for something that it is obviously important to you
C) it is a big deal. Because it is about boundaries and adults setting an example and supporting each other

I am an educator and those are the rules. You dont undermine other adults or parents in front of the kids

I also think that any discussion about whether a 5 year old should be allowed both salt & ketchup is kind of missing the point.

The child's parent told him he could have one or the other. No other adult should be making snarky comments about that.

I think both of you were being unreasonable. Meal times should be a pleasure.
If you dont want your kids to have salt and ketchup, dont buy it.

I don't think the point is whether or not her DC can have salt, ketchup or both. The point it's for OP to decide and she's hardly putting her kids on some insane exclusion diet so it's not necessary for her DM to intervene.

OP it's hard to know how your DM said it but I can imagine it being frustrating if it's a regular thing.

Another option could have been to offer him ketchup instead of the salt as the lycopene in the tomatoes has health benefits.
But that's a different conversation.
Is this the tip of the iceberg where your DM is concerned, OP?
Because that kind of comment is pretty standard from my own DM and drives me crazy! She absolutely cannot be the 'bad guy' and goes to crazy lengths to be the hero of any given situation. She'll give sweets to my dcs while I am in the kitchen making their dinner! Every time! Then claim she forgot to check with me and that is the very tip of the iceberg where my mother is concerned!!!!!
So, even though this might be a one off and maybe you are already stressed but I think you should have a word with her about not undermining you in front of the dcs, maybe flip it for her and ask her how she would have felt if her own DM or mil had done that to her. Just nip nip nip it in the bud! Or you'll end up like me writing an essay to someone you don't know on Christmas eve about how your own mum has driven you crazy!!!!

It's annoying to be undermined or 'got at' like that, but to be honest, it was such a Grinch comment I'd have probably said something similar. Why not just say 'yes' and put a tiny bit of salt on (even fake it). There's really no need to be so po faced about a tiny bit of salt. It's one thing to be careful what your kids are eating, it's quite another to make a big fuss about it all the time. Most of the salt we eat is 'hidden' like in a slice of bread, that adds up much more quickly than a tiny bit on his chips.

As a child I appreciated my Grandparents being on my side about things. I wouldn't stop my parents being the same. Sadly my Dad died and my Mum is much more of a worrywort about every tiny thing than me.