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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to not let dd contribute

30 replies

Namechange181216 · 18/12/2016 16:42

DD's school has requested that each child spends £20 on a present to give for less fortunate children this Christmas. I couldn't even afford a birthday present for DD this year,she wont be getting a Christmas present until January let alone one for another child. I wouldn't mind so much if the school asked for everyone to put in something like £1

On top of that DD's circle of 'friends' are putting together £10 each towards a present for another girl. DD didn't receive anything from any of them and they are constantly telling her she's weird and needs to try and fit in . They're doing secret santa and left dd out but are still expecting her to get them each a present.

Aibu to 'ruin her chances of fitting in' and not let her contribute .

OP posts:
cherrycrumblecustard · 18/12/2016 16:43

Goodness the school have got a nerve! How old is DD? YADNBU!

Original poster
Namechange181216 · 18/12/2016 16:43

Should of said contribute to a friends birthday

OP posts:
Original poster
Namechange181216 · 18/12/2016 16:43

DD is 15.

OP posts:
PaperdollCartoon · 18/12/2016 16:45

Firstly, no YANBU, £20 is loads, I'm spending that on each person in my own family! I think it's very unfair to ask them spend so much, have they actually made it come across as a requirement?

Also, your poor DD, they don't sound like very nice friends. How old is she? I was a weird child too (still a slightly weird adult) and I had things like this myself.

DailyFail1 · 18/12/2016 16:47

If they left dd out of secret santa then why are they expecting a present from her? At 15 she is old enough to not only be told of any family money troubles, but to be expected to actively avoid situations that make things worse for the family. She needs to be firm and say no to both of these things. Chances are her friends think she's 'weird' for reasons other than money, reasons that won't change no matter how much cash she drops on them, so it wouldn't be a loss if she lost them.

Patriciathestripper1 · 18/12/2016 16:49

Firstly ring the school and explain you won't be sending in 20 quid as you think it's ridiculously excessive.
Secondly those girls are not friends they are bullies, and would be asking school to keep an eye on your daughter.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 18/12/2016 16:50

£20. They've got more front than Blackpool promenade. YDNBU.

I'm sure sometimes these schools think you're on HT wages.
I don't even spend £20 on my own nephew.

Original poster
Namechange181216 · 18/12/2016 16:50

They don't know about our struggle financially. They find her weird because she has different interests.I have told her to change group of friends but it's not easy when most of the year group circled her after school to tell her she doesn't fit in to the school

OP posts:
Isadora2007 · 18/12/2016 16:52

I would ring the school. They may have something they can do to ensure your dd doesn't seem different and may be able to help with the friend scenario too...
Your dd sounds very mature and like she is handling things well, bless her.

Original poster
Namechange181216 · 18/12/2016 16:53

I will be ringing the school tomorrow to say dd will not be coming into school with a £20 gift. I have spoken to the school about the so called 'friends' and how dd is having a hard time fitting in but I've found the pastoral support terrible .

OP posts:
Isadora2007 · 18/12/2016 16:53

Sorry posted too soon... meant to say but she shouldn't have to deal with this. It's unreasonable of the school. But I would tell them if your difficulties as they may have funds to help ease the pressure on dd. Request they keep it confidential though.

mirokarikovo · 18/12/2016 16:54

Of course you aren't being unreasonable. If you don't have the money you can't magic it up. When you say 'ruin her chances of fitting in' is this what she is accusing you of?

How old is DD? If she is old enough to make such accusations is she old enough to have a Saturday job and earn the extra cash she feels that her desired lifestyle needs?

I suspect she's fallen in with a crowd of shallow quasi-friends who are judging her by spending and possessions rather than personality. You can't buy friendship with gifts. There isn't an amount of money you can supply that will make her feel truly accepted by people like that.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 18/12/2016 16:54

Whether they know or not. That's not the point. They shouldn't be barking out financial demands. Its a gift not a summons or obligation. It should be give what you can.

PaperdollCartoon · 18/12/2016 17:00

On a slightly different but not unrelated note... she's 15, is she in year 11? Can she go to a different school/college next year where she could meet some new, nicer friends?

MikeUniformMike · 18/12/2016 17:07

Is your daughter at a state school? Was the request for £20 in writing?

Original poster
Namechange181216 · 18/12/2016 17:26

It was the other girls saying she's 'ruining her chances of fitting in' because she's not buying gifts. She is in year 10 And yes it was a letter sent out about the £20

OP posts:
AnnieAnoniMouse · 18/12/2016 17:31

We aren't in the same financial situation as you - though have been pretty close a few years ago (I hope yours improves soon 💐) but even so the school would be told 'No'. Simply because it's over the top and puts too much pressure on families that can't afford it to do it too if others are. I'd say 'No' and I'd be getting that message out there as much as possible.

School 'friends' - they can whistle too. Even if your DD took the money in, they'd still bully her.

I'd be looking at a new school if it was me.

Emeraude · 18/12/2016 17:32

Outrageous request from the school and her 'friends' sound like bullies. If buying them presents is what they need to talk to her then she is well rid.

GreenShadow · 18/12/2016 17:35

How awful for you and how absolutely thoughtless of the school.

I would be taking the £20 gift thing to not just the head, but the board of Governors.

The thing with the other girls is so sad and I've no real suggestions for helping her cope with this. It doesn't sound like they would understand even if she explained her circumstance, although one would like to think 15 YOs are old enough to understand.
Good luck and I hope you manage to enjoy your Christmas.

MikeUniformMike · 18/12/2016 17:35

OK. I guessed that both answers would be yes but thought I should check.
I think you should complain in writing to the school about the letter. Even if it was a polite request for a suggested amount, it just isn't right. The governors should be copied on the complaint.

Your daughter should not buy the gifts. The kids are being mean to her. Buying gifts won't make them any kinder to her. Your DD sounds a good kid.

Original poster
Namechange181216 · 18/12/2016 17:40

Thank you everyone. No chance of moving school in year 10 . I will be writing to the governors.

Only 2 more mornings of tears over school and then we can enjoy Christmas

OP posts:
SantaPleaseBringMeEwanMcGregor · 18/12/2016 17:42

Those girls are bullies. She feels like crap about it now, but one day, she'll realize how unreasonable and manipulative they were, and will hopefully be proud she didn't give in and buy them (unreciprocated!) gifts just because they made her feel obliged to.

I was much like your daughter when I was that age. I had weird interests, a lot of the music I liked wasn't popular, and I ranked low in the social pack. On top of that, I also thought that was my place, so I let people tell me what to do. (Not saying your daughter qualifies on that last one.) I was able to break free of it, and while it was wrenching and painful, it led me to a place with a lot more freedom and joy.

Remind your girl that there is nothing about them that makes them superior to her. Nothing. There is nothing other than social constructs that gives them any authorityand she can decide to ignore that construct. She'll get shit for it, but she's getting shit now, isn't she? She already doesn't fit in, by their standards, so all she's doing is buying their friendshipnot even their friendship, but the chance they'll go easier on her and let her keep standing near them. Little extortionists, aren't they? You tell her I said I was there, and that she is better than that. She is worth ten times of them. She is gold.

YANBU to buy the 20 quid gift. That's a very expensive mandatory gift.

And your daughter would not be unreasonable to refuse to gift her so-called friends, no matter what they say or how they try to make her feel.

Original poster
Namechange181216 · 18/12/2016 17:50

THank you Santa that was really helpful,I will tell her.

To them she is not cool enough (she's new to the school,never had trouble elsewhere) she doesn't use the slang words that they use around here,she likes classical music instead of whatever the latest craze is,she likes to spend weekends working with animals and playing instruments not going to u18 nightclubs and parties. That's the reasons they have given to her for being weird .

Dd knows they are not true friends,only the rest of year 10 and 11 then she's free. The school is definitely not what they make out to be. DD would rather be at her old school than 'one of the top state schools in the country'

OP posts:
DJBaggySmalls · 18/12/2016 17:54

YANBU.
£20 is the sort of price range that people who dont get poverty think is reasonable. It isnt if you get £100 odd a week.
It cant be compulsory, that would be discrimination. your DD's school must have children who get free school meals.

What the girls are saying to your DD sounds more like bullying than generosity.

TheTantrumCometh · 18/12/2016 17:55

They're not going to help her 'fit in' even if she does get them all gifts. They're just using her to get something for nothing. Her status, as it were, won't change.

Fwiw the 'weird' kids are usually the interesting adults. Also being able to have your own interests regardless of popular opinion sets her in good stead in the future