Fake Christmas - should I go?

[Itsallabitcrazyhere]

Every year my in-laws and SIL go off for Christmas somewhere warm. Never once have they visited us but have twice gone the other side of the world to visit BIL. They insist on having a fake Christmas the weekend before as some sort of making it up to DH. I suggested this year they come to us for this charade but FIL 'wouldn't be comfortable'. I suggested we visit them the day before they go so we were avoiding 4 hours of pointless round trips.. not possible as they will be getting ready. They are retired FGS?.
For the last few days I've felt awful, just slept for 18 hours with sinus infection, sorry throat and raging headache. I've suggested to DH that it's ill advised to take my illness to them to which I get, "oh they have colds already"
I do feel for DH, I really do - his dad is quite controlling and DH likes to keep the peace.

I've said this is the last year I do this before today - do I put up, shut up, od on Sudafed and go? Or do I risk upsetting DH?

Become suddenly more ill, take to your bed and reassure everyone that you won't be passing on your germs to them.

DH is a grown-up, he'll cope on his own.

Thought so.. feel bloody awful in myself. Sinuses feel like I've had a shovel to the face so I have a decent reason.

I'm glad to hear you're not going. Get well soon.

I had a sinus infection it was bloody awful as it progressed I ended up with a raging temperature which would not go down.

Take to your bed, be very poorly, have flasks of hot drinks to help you and olbas oil on pillow case to help decongest.

Why can't your DH go visit his parents himself, why are you meant to be dragged along?

Definitely go to theirs.

And breathe all over them all the time

Let him go and keep the peace. You stay in bed.

Absolutely don't go. And next year tell them well in advance that you're going the day before they leave, so that they've got plenty of time to make sure their packing etc is done before you turn up.

Heavens, you would not want them to catch your vomiting bug would you, not just before they fly off on holiday ?I don't think your sinus problems will hack it as not catching.

Gosh no don't go - they all sound awful and you can have a nice day to yourself recovering.

How rude of FIL to say he "wouldn't feel comfortable" WHat does he mean by that? I would use it back on them - sorry I am not visiting you as I wouldn't feel comfortable.

FIL sounds awful, very controlling. But I don't think doing this kind of event is a charade at all.
But don't go. You are ill. Big difference between a bit of a cold and feeling really awful.

No, don't go. Stay in bed and dose yourself up on anything going. Doesn't sound like it would be much fun if you were well, so it'll be a horror show if you're ill!

As a 'family' we couldn't all be together on Christmas, or sometimes the few days before. So we'd meet up, at least a week before, for what would be our 'Christmas Day', or rather our day of celebrations (non God believing, so celebrate the Winter Solstice).

It wasn't a 'fake Christmas', that's a twatty way of putting it.

Is that how you think of the Parents who do a 'Christmas in July', for their children with life limiting conditions?

Perhaps charade is a bit strong - I just think if they wanted to celebrate Christmas with us they wouldn't choose to go away every single year.
I just think if family are important at Christmas, now and then you stay home and see them?
They made such a huge fuss of going to see BIL and their real grandchildren. They don't not have bio grandchildren from us because of me, it's absolutely DH's choice.

Am out of bed and dressed now, DH started suggesting waiting till tomorrow to see if I was better and making a longer trip of it. Not risking it . Will sleep in the car, smile and breathe heavily over FIL then go to bed with coffee, hot flannels to the face and Mumsnet. Will be home by lunchtime tomorrow and I've done what I need to.

Seems a bit harsh to call this a "charade" - sounds as if it's their "Christmas Day" with you, since they won't actually be there on Christmas Day. I think that's perfectly reasonable (unless I'm reading it wrong), and presumably it's nice for your DH. I also don't get how it saves on round trips if you go the day before they leave rather than this weekend?

On the other hand, you sound way too ill to enjoy it, and it's going to be no fun sitting in a car feeling miserable, so I think it's perfectly reasonable for you to stay at home this year.

They enjoy going away for Christmas, but also enjoy seeing you and your family. I think this seems a nice compromise to do both. But FIL is a different matter and I suspect he is why they don't visit you.

I don't mean to sound rude, but it doesn't sound as if you like them all that much, so why does it bother you that they aren't around for Xmas? Is it because it hurts your DH that they always go away? I'd think you'd be rather happy to have the holidays to 'yourselves' since you don't appear to like them and FiL seems overbearing. This way you can do Xmas exactly how you want. Do you have family on your 'side' to celebrate with?

I'm taking it that you have children (their step-grandchildren) and that your iLs don't treat them the same as their other grandchildren. I think that's shitty of them.

Have you ever been asked to go with them even if you can't afford it or aren't able to get time off or are you purposely excluded?

And I agree with pp, it's NOT a 'fake Xmas'. Many families celebrate together before or after Xmas for many reasons.

Thank you for some perspective. I was wrong to call it Fake and I apologise for anyone I may have offended.

You pretty much hit the nail on the head Pond. There isn't a great deal of love lost because they repeatedly make DH feel less important and being the more emotional one of the pair of us, I'm more able to verbalise that feeling. DH is adorable, one of those amazing guys everyone wishes their daughter would marry - they just don't seem to recognise it. I guess my anger comes out because now and then he hints at how he feels. I just need to steer it into some positivity.

Am about to leave, given me lots to think about (albeit with a pounding but painkiller dosed fuzzy head) so will think of ways to try and embrace this weekend instead for his sake.

I've really taken offence to "fake christmas" I've not been able to spend every christmas day with my son. Since he was little we've always had our christmas when we can. It's not fake.

Even if it was trip you were much looking forward to, it wouldn't be unreasonable to cancel due to being ill.

I think you are feeling guilty because you never really wanted to go in the first place so feel like you are pulling a sickie but you do sound genuinely poorly.

Anyway, I see you've decided to go so hope it isn't too grim!

Taking offense at fake Christmas some folk are easily offended.

Have a wonderful time.

Infect as many people as you can.

Come home and feel smug as hell.

(I would!)

I'm sorry if I've misunderstood this; do you have children? Adopted or yours from a previous relationship? I'm confused about what you said about visiting their 'real' grandchildren?

I would strongly suggest not taking any notice of anyone who thinks they organise this Christmas and their holiday as a deliberate means to control your husband. They don't. They like going abroad at Christmas.

If your biggest concern is how your husband feels on this day, then maybe your most straightforward and best option is to work out what you can do to support his happiness?

Are you never invited to go with them?

Surely that's what they would do if they wanted everyone together?

New Year together or are they away for that also?

I think that your husband needs to learn to say no tbh.