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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think... just stay away?

51 replies

feelinginthedark · 11/12/2016 02:13

I started my current (dream) job 4 months ago. Before this there was someone filling in the post on a temporary basis, she did this for over a year. She interviewed for my post against me but didn't get it. There is possibly another post coming up in the organisation in the next 1-2 years, which I assume she will apply for. She got on very well with the team, and since starting, I have made lots of effort to talk about the 'big shoes I have to fill' etc etc to get the team comfortable with me as a leader.

Tonight we had our team Christmas night out, and she was there. She was clearly invited, but I was surprised to see her. AIBU to think that you don't come to the work night out of a team which you are no longer part of? I feel that tonight was an opportunity for me to build relationships with my new team and it was all a bit weird her being there. I get that this is all about my own insecurities in my new job. But still feel that it's not unreasonable to want her to leave me to settle into my new role in peace!!!

OP posts:

Newmanwannabe · 11/12/2016 02:20

YABU. You sound like you feel threatened by her

IKnowWhyACagedBirdSings · 11/12/2016 02:26

I don't see why you think this is even an issue.She was a part of the team and her friendship is valued by her colleagues. I think you need to chill out a bit and stop over analysing the situation.

melj1213 · 11/12/2016 02:27

YABU I have my own work's dinner tonight for our department and of the 40 people attending at least 10 of them left our company in the past year and most of them were in managerial/supervisory roles ... why shouldn't they come out with their friends? They worked with us, they are more than welcome to join our annual night out.

The Christmas party is hardly the place to build relationships, maybe get to know some people a little better but if one person being there stopped you from socialising with anyone on your team, all night, then that's your issue, nobody else's.

Lemond1fficult · 11/12/2016 02:28

I understand how this might make you feel threatened, but YABU. In lots of companies, especially where it's quite creative, or vocational, people tend to build strong bonds as friends, and come to social events even when they're no longer formally part of the team.

Look at it this way, today you're new, but one day you might be in her position, with a lot of people you want to celebrate with. So long as she's not deliberately making you feel awkward, she could be an asset rather than a big pair of shoes to fill.

Original poster

feelinginthedark · 11/12/2016 02:29

I'm very aware that this is about me and my insecurity. I'm also very aware that she's maintaining links for when she applies for the next post.But AIBU to think that she should not turn up at the team night of which she is no longer a part? Or that she should be insightful enough to think that it might make it weird for me? Or that a text to me to let me know she was coming would have been nice?

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MrsTerryPratchett · 11/12/2016 02:30

She was there for twice the amount of months this year. And since the Xmas party is to celebrate the year...

girlelephant · 11/12/2016 02:30

In places I have worked it's commonplace for an outgoing team member to attend the Christmas party if the are still in role when the planning begins. So no I don't think it's odd she was invited or attended.

Ultimately your team will be inspired/perform/build relationships with you through your workplace interactions predominately. So although it's nice to have a social event with them 4 months in the Christmas party should not be important to how well you manage your team.

If you haven't already done so you could have a team meeting to review progress/plan next year giving you a formal but group setting to communicate with the team.

Also if you've spoken a lot so far about the "big shoes" I would stop using that type of language. You have no doubt said that with the best of intentions to anyone with loyalty to her but it's important as a leader to look forward and talking about your predecessor regularly could suggest a lack of confidence in your own abilities

Original poster

feelinginthedark · 11/12/2016 02:33

Her being there certainly didn't stop me socialising or chatting. She was the only person there who isn't currently working with the team and there is a lot of turnover. From those of you with experience, any tips to stop me feeling overshadowed by her?

OP posts:

girlelephant · 11/12/2016 02:37

To play devill's advocate she may think you knew she was attending. Also why should she think of your feelings? Management is not a popularity contest it's about delivering the best through your team.

She was in role for 12 months and applied, potentially she presumed she was the preferred candidate and lost out to you in the recruitment process. That's fair but potentially was difficult for her. Perhaps you should consider how she feels when you are expecting her to focus on how you feel.

Be gracious and friendly, treat her the same as everyone else and remember that the opinions formed by you and of you were formed in the last 4 months in work. A Christmas party should not be relevant to how rhe following week or year goes

Original poster

feelinginthedark · 11/12/2016 02:37

Thanks girlelephant about the language. I don't speak about her regularly in work of course. But you're right about needing to look forward.

OP posts:

Original poster

feelinginthedark · 11/12/2016 02:41

I am very aware of how difficult it was for her not to get the job; I reached out to her afterwards and we talked through it. I know that the team saw her as the preferred candidate and I started on the back foot as such. I guess I just feel that she should be a bit more considerate. The team socialises a lot outside the 'official' nights out such as tonight.

OP posts:

OfaFrenchmind2 · 11/12/2016 02:45

Frankly, what she did is normal. And to be this insecure, and quite immature in a management role is dire. Get a grip, and quickly, because you will be eaten alive and for a good reason.

girlelephant · 11/12/2016 02:45

If you haven't done so then have an end of year 1:1 with all of your team, have a focus on what the have done well versus what they want to work on. Ultimately that's where you can add value to them and focus on how in 2017 you can support your goals through your strengths and skills. Obviously subject to them performing all aspects of their job and their PDP being appropriate skills to support etc

Equally what is the vision for next year? Is there lots of strategic change expected/do you have a vision for the team and if so do they know it and do they buy into it?

Some of this can be addressed in 1:1s other things will be better suited to a team meeting . December is a fantastic period for review in business and personal lives. You want your team regardless of when they work over the festive period tonne ignited for next year to be better. What ideas do they have for improvements and if so can these be harnessed? Equally what stops them being at their best and can this be changed.
The important thing is to lead them so need to show everyone that you got the job because you deserved it. It sounds a little like you may be lacking confidence in your own abilities?

girlelephant · 11/12/2016 02:46

Sorry support their goals!

girlelephant · 11/12/2016 02:47

Is this your first management role or was it a significant promotion within management for you?

girlelephant · 11/12/2016 02:49

Sorry for all the typos! Cannot sleep this evening as it's been a long day of turning our home into a Christmas grotto

Original poster

feelinginthedark · 11/12/2016 02:51

Thanks girl elephant for the advice. As is clear I'm not a corporate manager but a medical consultant leading a team of various disciplines. I will take your tips on board.

OP posts:

Original poster

feelinginthedark · 11/12/2016 02:51

Sorry meant as is probably clear

OP posts:

AnnieAnoniMouse · 11/12/2016 03:22

Saying you have 'Big shoes to fill' when the person interviewed against you & didn't get the job is insensitive and cringe worthy - possibly coming over as smug/sarcastic as well.

Plenty of people go to the Christmas party of the Team they've been working with for the past year. Perfectly normal. No reason at all for the new leader to feel 'weird'.

Unless she's perched on your desk giving you unasked for help, she is 'letting you get on with your job in peace'. The CHRISTMAS PARTY is a social event, that's all.

'I'm well aware she's maintaining links'. Honestly, could you sound more bitchy? She's having a night out with FRIENDS. You're the one trying to 'work' - 'building relationships', not her.

'I reached out to her afterwards'. Seriously? How frightfully magnanimous of you. They had her doing the job for a YEAR and then decided she wasn't the best candidate for the job, you were. I'm sure she really wanted to chat to you about it while you patted her head. Not.

There was nothng for her to be 'insightful' about.

There was nothing for her to text you about.

'She should be more considerate'

Words fail me.

Grow up & fast.

WhereDoesThisRoadGo · 11/12/2016 07:44

Not getting the job and attending the Christmas party are completely unrelated. Have you thought of that fact that, as someone invited her, she was thought of highly by the team? One interview doesn't reflect a year of working together. This is a personal thing that no amount of trying by you can be undone. If you can't see that, perhaps you aren't ready to lead a team. My suggestion is work on those insecurities of yours before you are found out.

WhereDoesThisRoadGo · 11/12/2016 07:50

Oh, and pehaps think of the bigger picture here too. Less about what impact this has had on you and more about the impact it has had on her. She does the job for a year and they give it to an outsider. It isn't hard to work out what that probably did to her. Not yours to fix or say anything to her about (because that would be patronising) but yours to be aware of.

EverythingEverywhere1234 · 11/12/2016 07:59

Eek. Annie said it all for me. You're being really bizarre. It was weird enough getting in a strop cause she was there but expecting a text?! The mind boggles a little. This reads like a situation where you're the new girlfriend and she's the ex, way too emotionally involved and reading into things which simply aren't there.
FWIW I have been to two Christmas parties of a previous workplace having long since moved on and my DP has a work do next week for somewhere he hasn't worked for at least 4 years. They are all still friends!!

Allthewaves · 11/12/2016 08:07

I presume your nhs. I get this esp in trust in work in. Everyone knows everyone else esp in multi disciplinary teams. It's is very intimidating coming in esp dealing with people who expected a certain person to get the job

scottishdiem · 11/12/2016 09:31

I am going to a Christmas night with a team I left a couple of months ago but had worked closely with them for the previous 10 months. Its not odd at all to do that regardless of what happened in terms of employment within the team.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 11/12/2016 09:35

Nope - the Christmas do isn't there to revolve around you. HTH.

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