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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think... just stay away?

51 replies

feelinginthedark · 11/12/2016 02:13

I started my current (dream) job 4 months ago. Before this there was someone filling in the post on a temporary basis, she did this for over a year. She interviewed for my post against me but didn't get it. There is possibly another post coming up in the organisation in the next 1-2 years, which I assume she will apply for. She got on very well with the team, and since starting, I have made lots of effort to talk about the 'big shoes I have to fill' etc etc to get the team comfortable with me as a leader.

Tonight we had our team Christmas night out, and she was there. She was clearly invited, but I was surprised to see her. AIBU to think that you don't come to the work night out of a team which you are no longer part of? I feel that tonight was an opportunity for me to build relationships with my new team and it was all a bit weird her being there. I get that this is all about my own insecurities in my new job. But still feel that it's not unreasonable to want her to leave me to settle into my new role in peace!!!

OP posts:
ChuckGravestones · 11/12/2016 09:43

a - surely if the shoes were that big she'd have got the job?
b - it is a good opportunity to see how you were the best choice for the job
c - welcome her in, keep your friends close and your enemies closer.

Tinkah · 11/12/2016 09:49

YABU. I have been invited to a work Christmas do for a company I worked for earlier this year and no longer do. I've been invited and want to go- why wouldn't/ shouldn't I?

You are obviously threatened by her and it's fine to admit that to yourself. After a few months of you doing the time they will forget about her a bit and it will all be fine.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 11/12/2016 09:49

And as a medical consultant, so an intelligent person, surely you are mature enough to put your big girl pants on and realise that she is perfectly entitled to be there!

YelloDraw · 11/12/2016 10:57

You sound very needy. This didn't need to be a 'thing'.

Katy07 · 11/12/2016 11:02

I actually think the OP is being reasonable. It's a team do and she's not part of that team now. By all means attend the whole business Xmas do (I'm not sure if she's still working there in a different department - I'm assuming not) but a team do is just that. It sounds to me that either she's insensitive or she thinks that she can make things awkward for the OP by showing how liked she is by the team.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 11/12/2016 11:04

I'm just surprised that a medical professional is so emotionally immature - the other person is entitled to be there and perhaps you weren't the focus of everyone's thoughts?

Amandahugandkisses · 11/12/2016 11:05

YABVU

CurbsideProphet · 11/12/2016 11:13

YANBU OP, I understand where you are coming from. Last year I was in a job where I was constantly compared to the person who was previously in that role. It wasn't my dream job (far from it!), so I was just patient and made efforts to move on (which I have done). It's demoralising to feel that you are competing with someone who doesn't even work there anymore. It can also make you feel left out when they're invited to Christmas parties/work nights out etc. It sounds childish, but it can be miserable.

happychristmasbum · 11/12/2016 11:16

YABU to use the phrase I reached out to her

HTH

JustanotherMortificado · 11/12/2016 11:18

She knows them all better than you and think that's why you are so bitter. It's a party ffs everyone was probably too pissed to give a fuck. She was friends with them for a year, I think it's awful she didn't get the job tbf.

VeryBitchyRestingFace · 11/12/2016 11:19

But AIBU to think that she should not turn up at the team night of which she is no longer a part?

You said yourself she was INVITED. She didn't just "turn up."

Sweet baby Jesus.

mrscarrotironfoundersson · 11/12/2016 11:29

I'm with you OP. I've now been in my role longer than my predecessor but she still haunts me!

She was well liked by a few colleagues but not at all by management and the majority of staff outside our office. I'm a very different personality to her (in both good and bad ways - I'm more empathetic, she was more focussed on the job). Its embarassing when we meet up in the wider social office group as she's unashamedly "oh does X(the boss) still totally love me?".

Ineedmorelemonpledge · 11/12/2016 11:31

YABU but I think you know you are by now.

It's hard to fill the shoes especially when your team members may reference her - x used to do this etc. But that's why you're a manager and paid for it, to steer the ship in a mature and confident way.

She was equally entitled to come and celebrate the year with her old team as she's spent so much time there going the extra mile, as a temp, which is particularly noteworthy.

The mature thing to have done would have been to be inclusive, welcomed her, got her a drink and then circulated together with her around your new team.

It could have been a great networking opportunity, a good way to look positive in front of your colleagues (who've had to experience the change of consistency) and a valuable way to gain an insight into the people on the team.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 11/12/2016 11:31

Agree with girlelephant about the 'big shoes' talk. Don't do that, it undermines your own position.

You sound very territorial about 'your team'. Be careful there because if they get wind of your feelings about them you may find that they buck against you - and still do their jobs effectively. I've seen it happen to somebody and it's not nice. It's almost like sending someone to Coventry.

Assess yourself, your strengths and weaknesses. Work quietly on your weakness and be a good worker first, good manager second. Stop trying to clasp 'your team' to your bosom and be polite and friendly to this woman because if she is determined to work in that company, better that she's an ally than a silent foe.

I do understand and hear your insecurities though. Big girl pants now. Thanks

FurryLittleTwerp · 11/12/2016 11:31

As the consultant, you need to be a little "above" the team, in order to gain respect. This does not mean you need to be unfriendly or aloof, but your role & position needs to be clearly defined. You will be taking much of the joint team responsibility on your shoulders.

She was presumably a locum - it is a lot easier as a locum to be more "on a level" with the team in a matey way. Locums are less responsible for the team.

FurryLittleTwerp · 11/12/2016 11:32

*need to be not needs - basic grammatical error Blush

BeaveredBadgered · 11/12/2016 11:37

I wouldn't have gone if I were her and I don't think YABU.

I can understand your disappointment but there's plenty of time for you to gel with your team and you're more likely to do that by being a fair, hardworking and supportive manager than on a boozy Christmas do.

Bluntness100 · 11/12/2016 11:40

I think you know you're being unreasonable also. She was invited and came, it's fair enough, the insecurities are yours. You have plenty of other opportunities to settle in with your team, from the actual day job to the different socialising events you refer to.

If you feel over shadowed by her, then this is probably about your own comfort level on being able to do the job. It's nothing to do with her and you can't expect her to disappear off the face of the earth , never show her face again and for everyone to pretend she never existed. Just focus on doing the job to the best of your abilities and don't resent her.

DeepanKrispanEven · 11/12/2016 11:45

A Christmas do is not an opportunity for the head of department to build relationships with the team, it's an end of year chance to relax and let your hair down. Her presence there shouldn't make it in the least weird for you.

And YABVU to say you "reached out" to her. You contacted her, ffs.

daftbesom · 11/12/2016 11:49

Different places have different cultures.

Where I work now, I wouldn't be expected to attend a Christmas do for a team I used to work with.

Where I used to work, it was kindof expected that ex-team members would turn up to the next Christmas do after they had left.

I can appreciate how the situation would tend make you feel a bit insecure, but if I were you I wouldn't take it personally, I'm sure she didn't turn up in order to ruin your evening. Congrats on the new post and I'm sure you'll be fine - they picked you, after all.

BlueFolly · 11/12/2016 11:50

she should be a bit more considerate

It's always the person who 'won' who should be most considerate. That would be you.

llangennith · 11/12/2016 11:51

You need to stop talking about her, stop thinking about her, and focus on your new job. You're not a counsellor so start acting like the professional you are being paid to be.

Fiveandahalfweeks · 11/12/2016 11:51

Sorry OP but there are some things you need to work on here. You cannot rely on your team to give you validation. They are looking to you to provide leadership. It may help you to get some kind of external coaching/mentoring to help you to deal with some of your insecurities around your new role. I agree with the pp who suggested that the previous incumbent of your job obviously wasn't outstanding in the role, otherwise they wouldn't have given it to you. There's no need to apologise for getting the job (big shoes to fill etc). Without straying into arrogance, I believe most people want their managers to be self-confident and sure of what they are doing. That confidence spreads throughout the team. This night out is a side issue. You will naturally build relationships by being a supportive and positive leader. Don't force it and good luck.

yorkshapudding · 11/12/2016 12:12

It seems a very self involved to think she should have turned down an invitation because of you. How on earth would she know her presence on a night out would make you feel so insecure? She was the one who got rejected in this scenario, not you, so why should she be tip-toeing around you?

She obviously has some good friends in that team and they wanted her there. I worked in the NHS until earlier this year and have been invited to two Christmas do's by former colleagues, one of the teams I haven't worked for several years but we're still friends so what's the harm? It's completely normal for former team members to attend Christmas parties, it happens everywhere I've ever worked.

Repeated comments about having "big shoes to fill" arent going to endear you to your new colleagues either. Just leave the past in the past, focus on doing your job to the best of your ability and supporting your team, that will put a stop to any comparisons between you and your predecessor much quicker.

IKnowWhyACagedBirdSings · 12/12/2016 22:08

You need to get a grip. She is an ex employee. Work isn't the be all and end all. Live in the real world.