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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that I am not a nice person.

36 replies

DogBiscuits · 21/11/2016 22:22

Because I get envious when I see people i know who get what I want. I don't not want them to have it but I can't help but feel jealous.

This makes me feel like a shit person and I honestly do hate myself for it.

Please tell me I'm not the only one?

OP posts:
TheSparrowhawk · 21/11/2016 22:24

The only person you are hurting is you.

switswoo81 · 21/11/2016 22:24

I honestly thinking its human nature. Totally normal ,I hope.

dontbesillyhenry · 21/11/2016 22:26

It makes you normal not bad.
Also remember everyone has their own issues fears and insecurities and may be looking at you feeling envious for whatever reaso

MrsJayy · 21/11/2016 22:28

Jealousy and Envy are normal emotions not pleasant to feel though this doesnt make you a horrible person however the only person it affects is you just let it bypass you honestly

PinkiePiesCupcakes · 21/11/2016 22:29

Do you have everything you need?
Food? Lighting? Heat? Health?

Fuck all else matters really.
Flash cars, nice sofas, spending money on expensive shit is unimportant so shouldn't be coveted.

category12 · 21/11/2016 22:29

Well, maybe try to turn it into something more positive - like chasing whatever that goal is.

If it's something material, that is.

If it's relationships or emotional, then try to learnt to enjoy being yourself and living on your own, because you can't achieve happiness through someone else.

Bluntness100 · 21/11/2016 22:31

Ah, if doesn't make you a bad person...unless you can't hide it, and you're mean to them for it.

If uou internalise it, then you hurt only you, if you're unpleasant to others due to it, then yes, you're not being a nice person.

FannyWisdom · 21/11/2016 22:35

Don't hate yourself, it's just our nature to strive and you aren't wishing less on others.

One thing I would say (I wish I could tell my younger self) is lower your standards..

There will always be things to wish for for but not always things to be grateful for.
Don't be busy with what you don't have, be busy with what you do.

Original poster
DogBiscuits · 21/11/2016 22:46

My thinking is jealousy is not a nice thing. Hence it makes me feel like a bad person.

I wasn't like this before. Ive had a lot of shit thrown at me especially in the last ten years or so and I guess I am fed up and don't have any patience left.

My life has fallen apart and is a constant struggle and for others things just seem to fall into place.

OP posts:
user1471547925 · 21/11/2016 22:48

Envious = wanting to have what someone else has = not a bad thing.

Jealousy = wanting to have what someone else has AND wanting them to not have it = a bad thing.

Therefore, you're not a bad person for feeing envious. You know what you want and you need to work to achieve it. Envy is not a bad feeling. It can be a clarifying feeling. If you have observed something you want and feel no ill-will to the person that has it, it means you can ask them how they got it. It's useful. It's positive if you use it in the right way. You can start a conversation with a compliment. "Hey, you have achieved xyz and I really admire that. Do you have any advice as to how I could achieve the same?" Even if they don't have any useful advice, you've still complimented someone on their life which automatically makes you a kind person and someone they will want to be kind to in return.

Unless they're a douche. There's no accounting for nice things happening to douches. It's one of the quirks of life.

Foslady · 21/11/2016 22:54

It's a normal reaction. My life is worlds away from what I hopes and dreamed - and they weren't outlandish dreams, just happily married, nice home, nothing fancy, and worked to the point were I didn't have to count every penny. I see my friends who are at that point and can do the things I'd love to have the freedom to do and even though I genuinely am very happy for them to be able to do all those things, part of me wishes it could be me too.......but then I know that they too have worries that they know I don't have so try to remind myself that we all have our reasons that rob our happiness, and wish we had another's life.

user1479655572 · 21/11/2016 23:01

Are they just thoughts or do you act on them? I.e do you treat people differently because of your jealousy? If it's the latter then you should probably work on that, but I'm not sure that makes you a shit person. We all fuck up and jealousy is a pretty normal emotion. It's an entirely unhelpful one though - focus on the good things in your life, and work on what you want to change - accept that there will be some bits you won't be able to change - and to hell with what anyone else has/does/is.

Good luck OP.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 21/11/2016 23:05

No you're not a horrible person, at all.
There's nothing worse thsn watching some get the one thing you want more than anything else in the world.

user1471547925 · 21/11/2016 23:11

And every single one of those supposedly "together" people will have issues you don't imagine. They've all got haemorrhoids, parents/grandparents with dementia, a weird lump they're too scared to admit to, the feeling that they're not as good as their siblings, the worry that they're doing more harm than good to the planet, the worry that they don't really understand politics but are supposed to have an opinion, the worry that everyone else is more clued up than them, the deep nagging feeling that all the things they're "supposed" to find important just don't really resonate...

You are normal. You are SO normal. It's ok. So let all that go and concentrate on what you need to do to feel "right" for yourself. You're ok mate. You'llbe ok.

LivininaBox · 21/11/2016 23:13

Just having a thought doesn't make you a bad person. But if you spend lots of time ruminating about how others have more than you it will make you unhappy. You might find mindfulness helpful? It teaches you to view your thoughts as just thoughts, you can choose to act on them or ignore them.

TinselTwins · 21/11/2016 23:13

I think it's natural but age sorts it out:

  • the person who walked into the perfect job, found the perfect partner easily, got the perfect house…… 8 years later still having fertility problems..
  • The gorgeous, popular one with the great support system, lovely home, new baby…. partner dies suddenly when pregnant with the second..

Obviously it doesn't always fall to shit for everyone, but seeing a few "perfect" lives smashed to pieces over the years.. and realising I'm really the "lucky" one.. has dimmed my tendancy towards envy in general

And things don't always happen as "easily" as they appear on the outside, the longer in the tooth you are the more you realise that. Some people with "perfect" lives are in mindboggling amounts of debt etc

Everyone has crosses to bear

You're not a bad person, you might just be relatively young?

WhatWouldLeslieKnopeDo · 21/11/2016 23:19

It's perfectly normal to feel some envy sometimes, even if you're happy with your life.

It's just a feeling and it doesn't harm anyone. I don't think it makes you a bad person. If you acted on it or behaved unkindly towards people then that would be different.

As long as it's just one of the many emotions that you feel and not one that consumes you then it's not worth worrying about. It only becomes a problem if you obsess and become bitter. Even then it would mostly be a problem for you.

WhatWouldLeslieKnopeDo · 21/11/2016 23:26

I'm sorry you are struggling, by the way. I hope things improve soon Flowers

Life isn't fair. There's no reason it should be. But we are endlessly given the message that hard work pays off; that we just need to try harder and we will get whatever we want. It's not always that simple, and so it's understandably frustrating when you put the effort in and life is still difficult. Especially if it seems that others are being rewarded for doing nothing.

GrabbyGrabby · 21/11/2016 23:56

It's not horrible to think it. It would only be horrible if you said or did something about it?

Jealousy is pointless though so if you catch yourself feeling jealous have a word with yourself about the things in your life that you are grateful for.

badaboom · 22/11/2016 00:50

It's what makes us human. We all have good days and bad days. I just try to make sure my good ways outweigh the bad ones. I've even seen usually polite nice grandparents turn 'monster' when their son/daughter in law forgot their grandchildren's favourite toy/blanket. It does make me chuckle though.

Atenco · 22/11/2016 00:59

Agree with user1471547925

In fact you can use you envy to identify what you actually want and then set that as a goal, (though be careful what you wish for).

YouHadMeAtCake · 22/11/2016 01:24

Tinseltwins is spot on there, I have known situation like that.

Envy/jealousy is natural but too much is unhealthy and my very favourite saying 'comparison is the thief of joy' rings true. There are people that may want what you have, while you're wanting what others have and those others want... and on it goes.

JellyBelli · 22/11/2016 01:30

Theres nothing wrong with you, you are not wishing harm on others. Negative emotions are completely normal and natural. What is not healthy is acting out, acting on them, or not being able to let go and move on.

Bluntness100 · 22/11/2016 01:34

Ah jeez, some worrying posts on here, I'm sorry no it doesn't turn to shit for everyone, and yes some people are happy, they don't have the lump, they don't die, they don't worry about politics, they don't have piles, they don't worry about the planet, they can have babies,

Focus on you and what you want and how to achieve it. Do not focus on the fact people who have it may have shite lives to make you feel better about not having it, instead, focus on what you want and what will you do to achieve it, then work on that plan.

YouHadMeAtCake · 22/11/2016 01:42

Blunt you didn't read what tinsel wrote properly I guess

Obviously it doesn't always fall to shit for everyone but seeing a few "perfect" lives smashed to pieces over the years.. and realising I'm really the "lucky" one.. has dimmed my tendancy towards envy in general