Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL and sneaky treats

36 replies

LovelyBath77 · 14/11/2016 09:02

I generally get on OK with my MIL but today, ooh, I'm cross with her. She doesn't seem to respect me as a parent. She keeps bringing the children big, family size choc bars and I'm trying to keep us healthy (reasonable enough I think). so I asked her please just to give them a small treat at weekends. However on the walk to school today my son (8) told me she had given them money instead, told them I didn't want them having choc and they could but their own with the money! Not sure what to do now.

OP posts:
Enkopkaffetak · 14/11/2016 09:24

Encourage the children to save the money towards something bigger?

If they do want to go and get chocolate then talk to them about what sizes to get.

Really I think you could have far more control over the money than the size of sweets she takes.

NavyandWhite · 14/11/2016 09:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
LovelyBath77 · 14/11/2016 09:35

I should mention it was the big bars of choc she was giving them, to quite young children. I don't understand why she can't just give them small bars rather than tell them to go buy the big bars mum won't let them have...

so that's why i feel it is wrong. Navyandwhite do you feel it's right to give young children large choc bars a lot? Would you do that to your own children?

OP posts:
PatriciaHolm · 14/11/2016 09:37

Surely the money is the answer? They can buy a small freddo or something with it and save the rest.

Original poster
LovelyBath77 · 14/11/2016 09:39

Ah, no, not really as they all know well the big bars are £1 exactly as that's what she gets them at the shop you see. Therefore the £1 coin.

OP posts:
PatriciaHolm · 14/11/2016 09:40

Well, you're the parent here. Let them buy a 20p bar and save the rest.

DramaInPyjamas · 14/11/2016 09:40

But you are the parent and can say no to them spending the whole £1 on a chocolate bar?

Original poster
LovelyBath77 · 14/11/2016 09:40

I suppose they are a bit older now,I can maybe tell them the choc is unhealthy in large amounts and let them choose. I'm not sure. The small bars and normal sizes are about 70p and the big bars £1 so don't think they would choose the smaller ones.

OP posts:
Original poster
LovelyBath77 · 14/11/2016 09:41

Well she has taken them aside and basically given them permission to spend the money on their usual choc bar. That's what I was asking AIBU about ?! Not exactly helpful is it.

OP posts:
Awwlookatmybabyspider · 14/11/2016 09:42

That's part of being a nan though, spoiling your Grandchildren.

Original poster
LovelyBath77 · 14/11/2016 09:43

She has given them the money, so I should ask them to hand it over to me then? I'm not sure why I should have the money she's given them. It's not mine is it. They are old enough to manage their own money.

OP posts:
Asteria36 · 14/11/2016 09:45

I think people are missing the point, or am I? You asked her to stop buying big bars of chocolate for the children so instead she has quietly given your dc money with instructions to buy chocolate with it? Your mil is undermining your request by doing this. It is a bit manipulative of her and I would ask her to stop instructing the children to buy their own chocolate. This is a lack of respect for your parenting. As for the money, encourage the children to save it. Perhaps you could open and account or get one of those savings pots that have to be broken to get the money out?

Thebookswereherfriends · 14/11/2016 09:46

Let them buy the big bar. Keep big bar in the cupboard and dish out a couple of squares with their evening meal or after school. It's not nice that you are being undermined by mil, but you can minimise it.

Xmasfairy86 · 14/11/2016 09:47

My 8 and 5 year olds have been taught, in school, about nutrition and know that chocolate isn't good for them.

Why not let them buy the big bar, and let them have a strip at the weekends, as a treat if daily choc is too much. Then save any further money given for other things.

DramaInPyjamas · 14/11/2016 09:47

If they are older then they will understand that budgeting their pound will get them a smaller chocolate and an amount saved away for a better treat.

Granny's spoil kids, if they are eating healthy foods at all other times then I can't see a problem with some chocolate at the weekend tbh
I sometimes get us all a big bar each at the weekend to eat while watching a film.

deadringer · 14/11/2016 09:48

Mmmmmmmmm chocolate. Is it one bar a week? If so i think yabu. But, your kids your decision. You could get them a money box and encourage them to put one of the pounds in it and buy chocolate with the rest and share it. They will soon see those pounds mount up.

JellyBelli · 14/11/2016 09:48

YANBU, she shouldnt be doing anything behind your back or undermining you,. Open a savings acount for each child and encourage that as a thing she can do with the kids instead of chocolate. Put the accounts in their name only.

Whynotnowbaby · 14/11/2016 09:49

Do they have money boxes? They can put the money aside and find something (non-edible) they want to save for. Help them to keep track of their savings so they can go out and buy the thing when they have enough. That way they will be happy to have the money rather than chocolate as it brings them closer to their saving goal. I do this with dd, she has £1 a week broken into 20p per week day. She earns the 20p for a specific task e.g. Doing her reading book or helping unload the dishwasher and is always happy if someone else gives her money 'for free'!

43percentburnt · 14/11/2016 09:56

Were you there when she gave the money? Or did she give them money whilst in the shop with her (very manipulative)?

What about encouraging the children to save it towards a bigger day out next year - the zoo, or a theme park. You can often get 2 for 1 vouchers so they may be able to see their 'reward' quite quickly. Maybe draw a chart so they can see the savings grow.

I wouldn't let her see the kids alone, yep I'm unreasonable, but I couldn't be arsed with her. Why she wants to feed a small child a family size bar of chocolate is beyond me - especially when the parents, quite rightly, have said no.

What does your partner/dh say?

farmerswifey2 · 14/11/2016 10:03

Take them to the Poundshop and show them all the wonderful tat they could buy instead.

Maegeri · 14/11/2016 10:04

YANBU it is manipulative and dishonest. Basically saying to your face, ok I won't do that but really thinking, I will still do what I like by encouraging kids to buy it themselves. I bet this isn't the first time either which is why you got so cross. This is not about the chocolate, its about having your wishes respected.

BarbaraofSeville · 14/11/2016 10:04

Could they get one big bar to share (or pack of minstrels or whatever else is on offer for £1) and save the rest?

Not the issue but pricing on chocolate and other snacks is ridiculous and not helpful WRT healthy eating unless you have will of iron. One small item costs 60-70 p but you can buy a multipack with at least 3 or 4 times as much in for £1. Makes no sense at all.

WhatchaMaCalllit · 14/11/2016 10:08

Talk to her, or better still (if your DH is on board with this healthy snacks idea) get your DH to talk to her.
Tell her that you understand she wants to spoil her grandkids and you really want her to but buying them sweets or chocolate is not helping you or her son bring the kids up to understand that sweets and chocolates are treats to be enjoyed but on the odd occasion not every day.
Tell her that you realise that she may have misunderstood that by saying no chocolate this meant she wasn't allowed to give it to your kids but they could buy it themselves with the money she gives them. This is not the case.

If your kids are anything like I was when I was a kid, I'd be so delighted to have been given money by a granny that I was showing my mum at any opportunity, so she would take the money and put it in a money box, one that was really difficult to open (at least by me anyway).

Could that be something you could do? Either have the talk or start taking the money to save it for them?

SquawkFish · 14/11/2016 10:12

Ask her if she's going to be paying for the dental work and additional trips to the dentist?

Advise your kids to save their money for a bigger, healthier treat (lego?).

And get DH to speak to his mother.

EweAreHere · 14/11/2016 10:12

Yes, I imagine part of being a Nan is spoiling your grandchildren, as a poster has said. But ... when it's to the detriment of the grandchildren's health and against the express wishes of the parents, surely that is overstepping. And too many sweets and chocolates aren't good for children. Or adults for that matter.

So many children are overweight these days, and parents and grandparents aren't seeing it because it's become 'normalized'.

OP, why isn't your husband telling his mother to stop doing this? She's agreed, and doing it anyways ... so your DH needs to sit her down and have a word.