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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Domestic Violence in my home

41 replies

splendidglenda · 13/11/2016 22:12

Things have got physical between my eldest ds17 and my husband recently. My dcs 4 & 10 have witnessed both incidents.

I am worried about the effects that this will be having on them. My gut feeling is to tell their teachers tomorrow to keep an eye on them. I'm ashamed to say that I'm worried about doing this because of the fear of the teachers calling child services. Would they be obliged to do this? Are they likely to?
We have had previous involvement with them for the same issue but case now closed. I really don't want involvement with them again.

OP posts:
LineyReborn · 13/11/2016 22:13

I think you need to protect your children, foremost.

ghostyslovesheets · 13/11/2016 22:13

have you resolved the situation - if not and the children are going to continue to witness violence then SS should be involved - it's unfair and dangerous for them

DeathStare · 13/11/2016 22:16

Yes they would be obliged to.

BratFarrarsPony · 13/11/2016 22:18

yes they would, most definitely

Better you make the husband leave, or you run the danger of losing your children. Sorry to sound dramatic.

Arfarfanarf · 13/11/2016 22:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AndNowItsSeven · 13/11/2016 22:19

Yes the teachers would report to SS.

baconandeggies · 13/11/2016 22:20

things will be worse if you try to conceal this.

Original poster
splendidglenda · 13/11/2016 22:20

It's my ds17 who lashes out though. But husband shouts at us and is aggressive and critical and intolerant of ds

OP posts:
PoisonousSmurf · 13/11/2016 22:20

Husband needs to move out for a bit. He's the adult.

LIZS · 13/11/2016 22:23

Is husband ds1 s father? He needs to give ds space while the issue gets sorted and if that means he moves out so be it.

TitaniasCloset · 13/11/2016 22:23

Don't involve the school at this point until you have decided what's best yourself. They will call ss and that will mean you will no longer be in control of the situation and I don't think you are ready for that.

littlesallyracket · 13/11/2016 22:25

the teachers calling child services. Would they be obliged to do this? Are they likely to?
We have had previous involvement with them for the same issue but case now closed. I really don't want involvement with them again.

Social services are there to help you (and your son, who is still legally a child) in these situations. By 'not wanting them to be involved' you're putting your younger children in danger. If the relationship between your partner and your eldest son is abusive and violent, something needs to be done. Social services can help with that. Neither your partner nor your son is behaving acceptably here.

APlaceOnTheCouch · 13/11/2016 22:26

They would be obliged to tell SS. What has changed since the case was closed? Why is it escalating again?

PoldarksBreeches · 13/11/2016 22:28

Why do you think your son lashes out? Who taught him to?

NerrSnerr · 13/11/2016 22:37

'But husband shouts at us and is aggressive and critical and intolerant of ds'

And if the 4 and 10 year old continue to grow up with an aggressive and critical dad what do you think will happen with them? They'll probably turn into aggressive 17 year olds as it's what they know. You need to protect all your children, and it sounds like the best way is for them not to live with a man who shouts at them and is aggressive and critical.

HarrietSchulenberg · 13/11/2016 22:38

I'm not going to go into details but when my eldest ds first started physically assaulting me in front of his younger siblings, I contacted SS myself as I wanted help. I also spoke to siblings' schools as I wanted them to be aware that things were hard at home and to support siblings.

I got lots of promises but little practical help from SS. One school was brilliant with youngest ds but ds2's school did nothing to support him, although they claimed to be "monitoring" him, even after he himself was assaulted and the police were involved.

SS only really stepped in when I asked them to foster eldest ds for the safety of the rest of us. They seem to be more about crisis management and after the initial meetings and promises of 1:1 work, nothing really happened and we were back on our own with a violent teenager.

PatriciaHolm · 13/11/2016 22:38

Of course they would have to. Sounds like the case should never have been closed. Pretending it's not happening is going to end badly, you know that?

Lweji · 13/11/2016 22:45

It will have to be your judgement call on who should leave and who you should report, as you know the situation best.

But one of them must.

Violence shouldn't be tolerated.

What is your husband's behaviour in relation to you? What is he intolerant of? What does your DS lash out against? What does he do?

JellyBelli · 13/11/2016 22:51

DS is being defensive and would be backed up in law. Its your DH that is the aggressor.
Protect your children.

Original poster
splendidglenda · 13/11/2016 22:57

Husband shouts at me and used to tell me I should be submitting to him (church goers) but doesn't say that now since a Pastor told him it was classed as domestic abuse. He is intolerant of ds17 and has been for a long time. It's like ds irritates him. Ds has a v volatile temper which I have wanted to help him with. He also has possible asd although the threshold is high and he won't get an official diagnosis.

OP posts:
Original poster
splendidglenda · 13/11/2016 22:58

Ds I meant has possible asd

OP posts:
MLGs · 13/11/2016 23:00

Husband definitely needs to go.

What do you mean by submitting? Sexually? Or generally doing as he says? Not that either would be OK.

IceIceIce · 13/11/2016 23:01

Based on what you've written about your husband I am not at all surprised that your son is acting the way he is.

I hope your son gets away from him.

ghostyslovesheets · 13/11/2016 23:01

one of them needs to leave for the sake of the younger kids

I know who I would remove - your 'DH' is an adult - your son is not a baby - they both need to know they are damaging the family

Honestly I'd take the younger 2 and get the fuck out of dodge

Original poster
splendidglenda · 13/11/2016 23:01

Also ds isn't dhs biological son. Dh adopted him though. My birth son tho

OP posts:
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