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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Should I live alone or in a flat share

27 replies

Singyourheartout · 12/11/2016 09:23

I posted about my flat mate a while ago, i dunno how to add the link. I have had a terrible time with them. After Christmas I need to start looking for somewhere to stay as I and going to study a masters. My question would I be U to live on my own. Studio flat 650 a month, good and easy area for me to get a job and to get to uni. My only problem if I'm scared I will be too lonely a sink into depression as I don't have a ton of friends and will only have one friend and my boyfriend in the area as most people will go home after graduation. My best friend want to move in with me but I feel that would ruin our friendship so want to avoid it. I'm gonna try and make friends next year but I worried if I get a flat of my own my mental health might suffer. The alternative is to get a house share but I don't want to go through what I had this year. Does anyone have advice?

OP posts:

StripeyDeckchair · 12/11/2016 09:27

Live alone, house shares are always hell.
Back in the day when I shared with friends, friends of friends & strangers all had their own quirks & oddities. I can't tell you how lovely it is to live alone (or with someone I choose i.e. Partner)

If you're studying ensure you go out every day & engage with people, even if it's only to the shops or library.

Good luck

ToastDemon · 12/11/2016 09:30

Alone definitely! A boyfriend plus one friend in the area is plenty to start off with.

Advice0nscarplease · 12/11/2016 09:32

How old are you?

I did a lot of flat shares in my 20s and thought it was good fun at the time, although I did share with a couple of odd people. Used to like nights out with my flat mates, discussing dating, watching shit TV together.

BUT in my last flatshare (when I was 29/30) I really felt too old for it all - I got fed up of not being able to watch what I wanted on TV, have a bath when I wanted, having random drunks my flat mates friends round all the time. So now I would definitely live alone

EmpressOfTheSevenOceans · 12/11/2016 09:39

Living alone is FAR better than living with people who might drive you nuts (and I'm speaking as a depression survivor who felt a hell of a lot better once I moved).

gemmawinegum · 12/11/2016 09:42

Alone if you can afford it. When i house shared i had to endure some terrible housemates. Some who would never have money for utility bills, some who are noisy at all hours of the morning, some who stockpile all the dishes in their rooms, some who would steal.

User543212345 · 12/11/2016 09:44

Living alone is such a joy - and something you possibly won't be in a position to do again in the future as you settle down into relationships/family life. I am forever glad of the year I spent living alone in my twenties. I think everyone should try it, even briefly, as it is great in learning to be self sufficient.

I won't lie, it did get lonely on occasion, but it did teach me to be wholly comfortable in my own company and it was a wonderful sanctuary that was just mine. if there was any mess it was just mine, if I wanted to be antisocial I could without impacting on anyone else.

maggienolia · 12/11/2016 10:14

How is your friend going to live with you if it's a studio?
I'd go for living alone every time. You can shut the door and know that no-one is going to bring a load of noisy drunk mates back, you have your own bathroom / washing machine/ fridge, you can plan your own days off.

It can get lonely, but with a bit of volunteering / getting out you'll be fine.
Good luck OP.

itlypocerka · 12/11/2016 10:20

If you can afford to live alone then do. You sound like you are quite introverted and that is ok. You need alone time like you need air, food and water. Some people are more extrovert and thrive on having people around all the time. They aren't any better or worse just different.

It's good not to get too isolated but join a local activity where you can meet and chat with others at least once a week to ensure you do get some interaction, and you'll be fine.

HarrietVane99 · 12/11/2016 10:33

Live alone. Having your own space will be so much better for studying and unwinding from study and work. Going to uni and working, you'll be meeting and talking to people and have opportunities to make friends.

There's a thread running about whether people who work from home feel lonely. You might want to have a look at it to see what people do to avoid getting isolated. Maybe someone will link to it, I can't go and find it and link on this device.

I live alone. I love to go out and see friends, but I wouldn't want to share my home with anyone.

Original poster

Singyourheartout · 12/11/2016 10:36

I am a bit of a introvert but I do like to know their are people there and I like to go out just not clubbing.
I'm 20 nearly 21.
I would love to live in a house with other people, don't get me wrong I love having cooking nights, movie nights and going out to play and things but I just don't to live children who are either drunk, moody or childish. I just want grown up flat mate who are mature and I can do adult things with not just go out and get smashed.
So far I've lived with weird and odd people since the start of uni and it has drained me. From what you all have said just confirms what I think to live on my own while I do my masters.

OP posts:

ShatnersWig · 12/11/2016 10:37

I remember your other thread. It was a nightmare. Why on earth would you put yourself through that again. In your shoes, definitely go solo if you can afford it, keep yourself busy as much as possible and get out and make new friends.

Original poster

Singyourheartout · 12/11/2016 10:44

I think now I am more determined then ever to live on my own. However the master I study will only be 2/3 days a week in evenings if that and it just worries me that I will become even more introverted than I am

OP posts:

llangennith · 12/11/2016 10:48

Could you look for a house share with more mature people? It can be very lonely living alone, especially at weekends, more so for an introvert than an extrovert. Extroverts will always have somewhere to go and someone to hang out with.

loinnir · 12/11/2016 10:54

I don't know what your MSc is in but when my DD recently did hers (Science one) it was very full on. She had lectures and seminars everyday, loads of lab work (sometimes well into the night) and that dissertation to write up, presentations,groupwork, ongoing assessments etc. If your MSc is anything like as full on along with a pt job , you will be very busy. I think you will not want to have to use headspace/energy on potentially difficult housemates .

Yes. sometimes you may feel a bit lonely on the odd night or waking in the morning - but you have your boyfriend and a friend. My DD made friends easily on the Msc course as there were only 30 people and you were with them a lot compared to her degree where she had lectures of up to 200 people. In a bedsit you can still invite people round for film nights etc.

Living with one best friend can sometimes be a bit intense - I think you understand that already. Be brave - as others have said you may never get the chance to try living alone again. You will also know that you can rely on yourself and your company.

NattyTile · 12/11/2016 11:04

Live alone.
And if your masters is only 2/3 days a week, and you don't have to spend all the rest of that time studying, see if you can arrange to volunteer one day a week in either something linked to your masters or else completely unrelated, but that you've had an interest in. That way you'll meet other people - not students- and potentially have something sweet for your cv too.

If you were ever a Guide or a Scout, they are always looking for adult helpers. Or if you weren't, but you enjoy spending time with children. There's as much social interaction as you'd like doing something like that; you can become very very active with other volunteers or else just stick to one evening/afternoon a week, whatever suits you best.

anotheronebitthedust · 12/11/2016 11:23

Why would living with your best friend ruin your friendship?

I live alone now and really like it - but still preferred living with my closest friends when I did so - it was great. Houseshare
If your best friend is really messy or something then maybe - but you should be close enough to discuss if anything annoys you. If can't live with your best friend and accept their quirks how will you ever be able to share with anyone, including a partner?

Up to you but 65o rent is a lot if money for a student, and as a student you often have a lot more time alone than you would if you were working full time, so if you are worries about being lonely it could be something to think about

formerbabe · 12/11/2016 11:30

Living alone is such a joy

Not always...I hated living alone. I felt really depressed and lonely.

ninnypoo · 12/11/2016 11:33

I had this decision in July. I decided to do a flat share with one other person for a year as it was half the price and I reasoned I could save the extra so that if I hated it I could move out more easily. It has worked well though.

KayTee87 · 12/11/2016 11:40

I'd love to live alone but I'm quite fond of my husband and baby...

Defo alone, one friend and bf is plenty :)

OlennasWimple · 12/11/2016 11:44

Could you maybe look at renting a room from someone who just lets out one room in their house (rather than a full on flat share IYSWIM)?

Original poster

Singyourheartout · 12/11/2016 11:48

ATM I'm trying to look for more mature people to live with. But my heart want to live alone but my brain is telling me that I should live with someone at least or I might become a recluse haha
As for my best friend she can be a bit intense. We lived together in halls which was brilliant, but recently she has had probloms with her family as has started acting out and is being her own worst enermy atm. I could honestly live with her as we have a great relationship I just don't want to ruin it.

OP posts:

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 12/11/2016 12:26

If you have MH problems, I wouldn't live solo... But only if you can find housemates who you can have fun with who don't drive you nuts!

You are quite young to do the whole solo living thing... You have plenty of time for this in the future!

At the moment, I would be re doubling my efforts to find a tribe to live with... I would really be posting online in forums linked perhaps to you uni? Say clearly what you want.... Eg post grad s into film nights /cooking and hanging out or whatever!

You won't be the only one who wants to avoid party central!

Good luck!

PitilessYank · 12/11/2016 12:32

Hello. I was just telling my husband how I regret not ever having experienced living alone in my 20s (I got married at age 29.)

We recently bought a small apartment in the city about 15 miles from our suburban home and I am going to stay there one night a week to get a little headspace.

I think you should try living alone and see how it goes. Perhaps just ask your boyfriend and your friend to keep an eye on you and if they feel like you are getting depressed to call your attention to it.

ViolettaValery · 12/11/2016 12:42

It's very realistic to confront that fear that you might sink a bit on your own - so have a plan to tackle it: you HAVE to go out somewhere and/or see friends x times a week, you HAVE to do one new sociable thing a month where you might meet new friends, and you HAVE to go for a 20 min walk in the open air every single day. Or tweak these according to what feels right (but I do recommend the walk). I also recommend having your friend and boyfriend over to dinner as soon as you move in, and making the occasion nice (tricky in a studio flat but can be done), it really helps to have other people laughing and enjoying themselves in your space, it changes how you look at it.

Living alone can be so lovely and nurturing. And you're not saying goodbye to flatshares forever, this is just what you need right now. I flatshared into my thirties with lots of lovely people, we were all working full time and while we certainly got drunk and also had arguments about the usual stuff, the flat was clean and well run and nobody was out of control, it was possible to live a nice normal life, just with company around. But if you have just had a nightmare experience I can totally see why you don't fancy taking the risk - especially as a Masters is short, a bad situation could really screw your work.

If it really doesn't work out for you, you can reassess at 6 months or whenever the tenancy has a break agreement - that's a worst case scenario and it's not that bad really. If you plan well you will be fine and have a lovely time.

GeekyWombat · 12/11/2016 12:55

I've done both and - prior to meeting my DH who I quite like living with - living alone was my favourite thing. Your own space (I was in a small one bed flat), living to your own convenience (wake up at 3am and fancy a bath? No problem!), knowing what you've put in the fridge is still there when you want to eat it? Peace and quiet when you want it and music / TV when you don't?

Bliss.

In practical terms I found once I was home from work I was fine in on my own, especially as I'd chat to friends online or on the phone / what's app. Weekends I tended to make sure I saw people to ensure I didn't end up being antisocial.

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